Watch me unravel, I'll soon be naked

Ok, I have a test tomorrow. I should be studying. I can't concentrate. I think about everything but what I should be. Asepsis and germs, strains of Staph, and what they look like. How nosocomial infections can be prevented; do you know? I do.

Here is some dribble that has been flowing from my brain- I guess it comes out so knowledge can go in??? Maybe that's the way I can explain it? Maybe I should become a theorist like Freud or Erickson and make up my own mind overflow theory. Ha, yeah, that will be great.


I try to study
You invade my brain
taking my thoughts
away from the task at hand

Hand
I picture your hand in mine
so strong, so kind
moving gently over my skin

Skin
smooth against my own
scratchy in places
brushing my cheek

Cheek
mine against your chest as I sleep in your arms
my lips brush your cheek
as you capture my heart

Heart
once broken now filled with hope
you hold it in your hands
it is yours to study

Study
I try to study
You invade my brain
taking my thoughts

Ok, back to the books. I have another freaking test tomorrow- so everyone pray.

I swore I'd love from the heart

Do you ever hear a song that you just LOVE, only don't get to hear enough. this afternoon I heard "Midnight Train to Memphis" by Kid Rock. I think the best part of the song is

With a brand new start
I swore I'd love from the heart
I meant to change my ways
I've seen better days
than the one that here this morning

I really dig this song. I remember cruising around in my car listening to this with the moon roof open, speakers turned up.

School is going well. I have been busy busy busy. I am cramming so much into my brain it's going to explode.

I played 20 questions this afternoon with a "stranger" whom I've never met, yet feel like I've known forever. It's kind of odd that we don't know each other. Ada is a small town, I can't believe we've spent all of our lives here and haven't ran into each other. We even worked at some of the same places and knew the same people. How strange.

I am missing the mathematician. I don't feel really comfortable telling him I feel that way, he'd probably give me that look and tell me it's only been a few days. I know. I KNOW. I keep telling myself I won't allow myself to be hurt. I try to distance myself from him. It wouldn't matter if I were a million miles away, I think my heart would still be lurking around his place, waiting for him to notice.

I am going to study some more. What fun. A group of us are going to meet up for a study session this week. It should be a lot of fun- err... educational fun, that is.

HoT bOyS

I jump out of my car, grabbing my bag, slinging it over my shoulder, trying to get to class on time.

"Stupid heavy thing" I think to myself, as I walked leaning to one side due to the weight of my bag.

Then, up ahead of me, getting out of a tall truck is "the body". I don't know his name, and honestly don't care to know. All I know is that he made my walk to school much more enjoyable. Tall, about eight inches taller than me at least. Brown hair, gray shirt, I could see the outline of his shoulder muscles moving under his shirt as he walked. Narrow waist and jeans that fit oh so nicely. I walked behind him all the way to the door. Then he held the door open for me. I couldn't tell you what his face looked like. I don't know. All I know is that I enjoyed what I saw. See, that's the thing. Guys are all around. Cute guys. Good looking guys come in many forms. Arrogant assholes (see most goodlooking guys) and sweethearts (see mathematician). Lots of guys don't think that girls check out the opposite sex, or that we only do it when we are at the club or mall or out with the girls. Let me tell you, we do it ALL the time. I'm not the only one. We had a whole discussion during lunch today about the hotness of classmates and surrounding men.

All you men please take note. Women look too. We all look. Hell I look at pretty girls too. Not like in an "ohh baby" way, but in a "she's pretty" way. I compare my ass with other girls, see how it stacks up. I compare my boobs.. I think we all do that to a degree. Ok, I will stop with my ranting now. I just thought that "the body" was a nice addition to my day and would share it with all of you.

One more thing- just because we look doesn't mean we want to jump every hard body we see. I'm fairly picky when it comes to who gets access to my no-no. If you know what I mean.

Weak in the knees

You bite my arm, giving my body shivers. You ask it if hurt. I tell you no. It does, but in a good way.

I hide your trash bags. Not intentionally, just moved them to a better place. I've got to stop doing that.

My eyes and body are begging for sleep. I lie in bed, trying to get my brain to slow down. The thoughts race through my head. I wake myself up at night thinking. Only on rare occasions can I fall asleep with no problem. Those occasions are the ones where I want to stay awake.

I love to work until I sweat. Being outside working until the sweat drips down my nose and off of my back. It feels so refreshing when you get to come in and take a cold shower.

I get scared because classwork comes so easily. I am afraid I will bomb later on.

I check out the cart pushers at walmart. Some are young. I feel no remorse.

I check out your ass when you walk away from me. I can't help it.

A little girl broke up with my son. He is sad. I am sad that he is sad. I am secretly glad though. He doesn't need to be kissing on some little girl.

A boy asked Mary to kiss her. She politely refused (yeah, politely) and told him she loved someone else.

A man asked me on a date. I politely refused (yes politely) and told him I wanted someone else.

I miss kissing. Really passionate, hold me, kiss me until my toes curl kissing.


Time to study before school. Yeah, that's either insanity or dedication.

Sleepy Smurf

Since school started I have become one of "those" at work. You know, the students that don't work full time. The part-timers. I hate being one of "those". I have convinced a few of my coworkers to go to school. I am hoping they will follow through. I like school so far. I am so tired and the work load is huge. I have read so much my eyes shake and I have highlighter stains on my fingers. I am doing well though. I do have to admitt I have a problem. I sit in the VERY FRONT FREAKING ROW. Which sucks ass. I didn't choose this seat, but got it simply because other twits had gotten the back row before I could snag it. My problem is I can't stay awake during films. I have seen most of the films already. I can not keep my eyes open. I will be sitting at my table, trying to concentrate on the tv and my eyes will cross and I'll do that little falling head jerk thing. So finally I just lay my head on my desk and sleep. I think I've slept almost everyday in class during a film. One of my instructors keeps waiting for my demise, quizzing us after films and such, but I just smile and turn my work in. So far I've made a hundred on every quiz save one, and I missed one. I think it kind of pisses her off. I think it's great. I don't want to fall asleep, but jeez I get so tired. A few of my classmates asked me how I was doing on tests. I told them. They acted like it was some major thing. I wanted to ask them if they REALLY thought this stuff was hard but didn't want to offend anyone. I am ready to move on to the harder stuff, which we finally started on this week.

I made some new friends in school. Yay for me. There is a man in my class from Pennsylvania. We talked about our personal stories. His wife divorced him after 18 years of marriage. He moved back home to live with his parents while going to school. He has an 8 year old son. His wife is seeing a bisexual man. HA! I shared my story with him. He's a nice guy, one of those giggly guys that are always laughing about something, so I can't be around him for very long or I get annoyed. It's nice to have someone to relate to.


I was thinking about this summer, and I'm sad it's over. I met wonderful people and went wonderful places.

Fumbling, Stumbling.... my tummy is rumbling

School. I feel like I'm back in high school. Only this time I have to pay for it. Tests, tests are every other day. Anything below an 83 is an F. FAIL. Classes are all day long. I hate sitting for so LONG! I look foward to coming home and working out just so I can move.

I'm sick. Beginning of school illness. Lovely.

Oh, did any of you know that Einstein failed math?

I am tired. There's nothing really worth saying other than it's the beginning of the end. Finally.

Tales from the Darkside....

Remember this show? (yes, I still say show, for the few of you who are snickering) I used to love to watch this program, all except the ending. The part where Vincent Price laughs. I couldn't watch that or when he did it on Thriller. It used to scare me. I remember being able to watch all the "scary" stuff right up until it was time for the laugh and then I'd have to turn the tv off really really fast. I also remember watching all of the Dead movies. Dawn, Retrun, Night of... you know... and then sitting in my living room looking into the kitchen just knowing I would see a dead corpse dragging itself around the corner coming for my brains. I have an active imagination. I have only met a few other people who's imagination rival mine. Yes, Jay, you are definitely one of them. I used to sit and daydream and wish to nightdream before going to sleep. I still do to a point, although my daydreams are significantly less and do not have the same giddy effect on me. I am sure with class starting that my daydream scale will rise significantly. Oh, and my tests went awesomely, by the way. I passed with flying colors. I have no doubt that if I were one of mathboy's students he would love having me in his class. A diligent, hard working, super quiet until I'm fairly sure I'm not the dumbest person in the class, and then I become the speak up, damn I'm smart girl who jokes around too much. Wait... I'd probably have him yelling at me asking if there was a problem. So scrap that idea. I will need his friendship and his mad math skills when I am suffering through statistics. Think self preservation.

I've had an awesome weekend so far. I have more plans tonight so I should probably get off my arse here and get outside and mow my lawn. It's nice out this morning so I want to get to it before it gets all hot and icky. I'll save that for something with a little less garments. :)

The kids started school. They love it so far. Brenden has already threatened to beat a boy up for teasing his sister. Mary just thought that was the coolest. Poor kid, he was only rhyming Mary with Cherry... I guess Bren just wanted to make sure it didn't progress to Hairy Mary, or Scary Mary. Mary already has several new "girlfriends" that she likes to play with. They are all nice to each other, and in her glasses they give each other golf claps. This reminds me of the movie men at work. Remember? Golf clap. I loved that movie. In fact, I think this afternoon I'll watch it. Brenden also has several friends and let me tell you, the ladies love him... It's cute. Brenden is a nice boy, and little girls just dig him. He's got mojo. Yeah baby yeah. All of you know this will be cool until he's like 15 and then I'll be freaking out if he has a girlfriend.

I hope you all have a great weekend. Peace out homies. Oh, I'm so white.

A Simple Kind of Girl

I'm not going to bore you with details, but I had a GOOD night. The best I've had in a long time. I don't think I've laughed so hard in ages. It felt so good. I've missed this! I've been so worried the past few days that it was just awesome to forget about it all and just have a blast. I know that life throws curve balls, and in the back of my head I know it will all work out. I shouldn't be so hard on myself... I know this!!! I just had to get back to square one again. Life sometimes help me put things in perspective. Line up what really matters, ya know? I am glad for everything I've been though. It's making me strong. I am strong. I am strong, and smart, and pretty, and I am going to be great. LOL, because I'm smart enough, I'm good enough, and dog gone it, people like me. LOL. I know, I know, aol speak sucks, but bear with me. I'm on a roll here. A good roll, let me rant.

Ok, so the lump in my breast isn't good. It's going to be ok. Regardless. I have good friends, awesome family, and the most wonderful children in the world. Things are good. I have my own house, my own car, my bills are paid, and I'm doing it all myself. I have come so far in the past few years. I am not going to let a few little things set me back. They aren't worth it.

I know I tend to be negative a lot. I tend to let the past overshadow the possibility of the future, but this morning I woke up and it hit me. Things aren't so bad. I shouldn't let things get me down. It doesn't change things. All it does is make me more miserable. I am not a miserable girl. It doesn't suit me. I like having fun and totally plan on taking advantage of it.

The future will take care of itself. It's kind of funny because the minute I stop worrying about it something wonderful happens. ;)

Now, wish me luck on my tests! I haven't gotten much sleep, but I never do. I am looking foward to my weekend off!

I'm trying

"You'll get over me soon."

HA! That's the thing. I never meant to HAVE to get over you. I never meant to let you in. I never meant for you to mean much of anything to me. So now when I am meaning to move on it's not going so well. I can hear you say, "it's only been a few hours, Brigette." Yeah, well, still, this isn't going so well. I talk to some guy and either all they want is sex, or we are talking and I'm like "yeah that's cool", but in my head I'm going "the mathmatician wouldn't do that, or would do that, or would like that..." I want to call you. I pick up the phone only to put it back down. I want to text you, but I'll break my fingers before I allow myself. I want to ask you, "Can this guy be real?" when I'm getting IM's from some guy who wants to come to my house. HA! Never! Who do you think I am? My exhusband? No stranger will ever be brought in my home.


I want to kick myself in the ass. In other news I had my exam today. I had an awful day at work, and I didn't even work today. I have a ton of stuff to do and no motivation to do any of it.

I have an appointment tommorrow for a nice big lump in my breast. I guess I will be going to the doctor by myself. This is probably for the best. I am stressing over this very very badly. I think it would probably be torture on anyone within 20 feet of me. For the record I hate August. I particularly hate the first two weeks in August. What was once a happy month has really turned out to be a shitfest the past few years.

If misery loves company, why am I alone?

Shitty Day.

Shitty Week.

Shitty everything.

I had my certification tests today.

I had no sleep last night.

Fuck it all.

Depression, my old friend. I've missed you.

My poo hates me.

I gave my dog a haircut today. I decided (being the tight ass that I am) that I could save the 20 bucks and just do it myself. I basically sheared my poor doggie to the skin. She is miserable and totally pissed off at me. It's kind of funny, but I feel so bad about it. The kids thought it was hilarious. Brenden said she looked like a lion when I had her all shaven except for her head. I love my son so much, he has this laugh that is just contagious. Mary does too. I am ready for school to start though. They are ready too. The bags are packed and ready by the door. The price of their after school program went up this year, I am kind of worried about making it. I want to provide for them the best I can. They are going to have to go without some things this year though. That's just life I guess.

My classes are going well. Tommorrow is the first of my three tests. I hope that I do well. It would probably be more beneficial to me to be studying than on the pc, but I've studied until I'm blue in the face. I think there is such a thing as "overkill" and I'm almost to that point.

I think that purpose of my blog evolved into a way of me being able to go back and look and see the obvious. Things I don't want to admitt to myself at the time. I do that a lot. I know what I am doing when I get myself all worked up, I rationalize it, and yet I still do it. Maybe it's a process that I'm going through and at least I am learning and moving foward? Maybe that is complete bullshit? Probably.

You know I was telling the mathmatician about Mary liking Jessica Simpson's song... I have to admitt it the more I hear it, the more I like it. I was actually dancing to it with Mary in the living room the other day. Oh, it's been a long day.

Waking up Terrified

Last night I awoke to a horrible dream that my house was being broken into. I woke up and listened carefully for the intruders. I thought I heard voices. Terrified, I get out of bed to check on my children. The lights are off and the first few seconds finding the pull chain were awful. Light floods the room and I am the only one in it. I check the rest of my house only to find the children and I are the only occupants. It still made my adrenline flow and I couldn't sleep until after 3am.


I had lots of coffee for breakfast.

The Golden Years

When people think about getting old some think about old men playing golf in pastel shirts and old women playing bridge. Some people see old men sitting on front porches and old women baking pastries while grandkids come in and out of the house. Some even see Grandpa in a speedo and Grandma wearing gaudy gold beads on some beach in Florida.


When I see old people I most usually see people who have had all of their possessions stripped away from them and homes full of memories reduced down to a box or two of belongings that they get to take with them to a tiny bedroom that they have to share with another person. I see people who have lain inactive for so long that their muscles have drawn and their fingers are twisted knots and their legs are intertwined so tightly that it seems nearly impossible to untangle them. I see women who used to have nice clothes that now have worn clothing that are stained and tattered from wear. I see men, who once were proud providers are now reduced to wheeling themselves in the hall searching out each other in companionship. Their war tattoos still blaze on their forearms, only the light in their eyes have dimmed. I see husbands and wives who no longer recognize each other when they pass in the hall. I see memory loss and sadness. I smell urine and feces. I don't see happy grandkids running about, or the smell of homemade pies. I hope and pray that I am never put in a nursing home to "live". I want to live to be an old lady with my husband (if I have one). I want our children to be a daily part of our lives. I want all of my children to know that we love them, and one night, I hope that we (the husband and myself) will go to bed and he will wrap his bony arms around my saggy body and we will both pass away in each others embrace. Our children will know we went happily and we will both be ready to go. Now, I know the chances of this happening are slim to none, but I do know that if I had to choose a death that would be it.

Vicious cycle

Ok, can anyone guess that PMS and circumstancal events were the cause of the past couple of blogs? Since my last post I've gotten a couple of email demanding that I wake up and look around at the people who do care about me. I know there are people who care about me, I know that. What I was crying and whining about was something completely different. Something I probably know the answer to in my heart already. I just have to open my eyes and see it.


That's one of the worst things about me, the need for reassurance. I need it. I crave it, I want it. I don't necessarily get it.