You have got to be kidding me

Worst day in a LONG time. Supposed to be a fun day. I am so glad I do not have any alcohol at my house because if I did I would be turning it up tonight. I don't want to go to work tommorrow. I don't want to get out of bed tommorrow. I want to lie in bed all day long. I don't want to shower. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't even want to get up to pee. I just want to lay here, with the shades down and the tv off. I want the entire world to go away for one fucking day. How about that? Is that too much to ask? I try and try to deal with things with humor. I try as much as I can. I do it all the time. Today I can't. Today is the breaking point. No humor today. Thing is nothing happened directly to me that made it such a horrible day. Things I can't control. I am not a control freak, but Jesus... I just want to help people. I do the best I can and still.....

Fuck it. I am going to go to bed.

I know I won't be able to sleep.

At least I have the opportunity to sleep.

I need a vacation.

someplace warm
where the beer flows like wine....
a little place called.. Aspen. haha.

One day I will wake up and things will not bother me. I will not care. I will not hurt for people. I will not want to help people. I will not love people. I will not want to do the right thing. One day I will be able to walk away and say "that's enough, it's over" today is not that day. Tonight I am hurting. Tonight I want someone to care about me. To try and take the hurt away for me. Tonight I want someone to love me and do the right thing. Today is not that day. I sometimes wonder if today will ever be that fucking day.

Goodnight, Peace Out, Kiss my Ass, whatever suits your fancy.

Nursemaid

Clinicals. Finally. We got to do some hands on assessments today. I got to wear my nursie uniform. Finally. Today was nothing more than assessments and flu shots, but it was so fun to get out of class. A group of us went to lunch today. We had a blast. I had WAY too much sugar. I wish that I could be like Phil and Cody for a while. Neither one of them like sweets. It is no fair!!! I love LOVE LOVE sweets. I could have candy for breakfast, ice cream for lunch and cookies for dinner. I pace myself though. I have entered a contest with my nursing group on who can lose the biggest percentage of body fat. I weighed in at 149 the other day, which means since school has started I have packed on 9lbs of muscle... table muscle. I have got to get my shit in gear, which means no more twizzlers and gummy bears. Fuck. This is going to suck.

Driving home today I got to thinking about things I like. I always thought that I never had any interests. In the past couple of years I have learned more things about myself than I have my entire adult life. Here are a few....

I do not like it when people don't brush their teeth at least twice a day. GROSS
I love spagetti and garlic bread, my kids don't... I am convinced they aren't my children.
I love hard rock and crank it in my car every afternoon.
I like Keith Urban. I want a man that will take everyone of his songs and do his best to make them reality with me.
I think Keith Urban is a pretty boy.
I do not hate gay people (contrary to popular belief that I should).
I think that if I were a voting citizen I would vote for gay marriage... let them have the same misery as all of us straight folks. LOL, it will be funny watching all of them trying to take half of each others assets.
I would sign a pre-nup, not to prove my love, but to protect my ass.
I love football, wrestling, and boxing. In that order... unless the fight is REALLY good, then it's wrestling, football, boxing.
I love living by myself, but hate sleeping alone.
I love driving a stick.
I love nursing.
I love helping people.
I like to read in the bathtub, with the water all bubbly and warm.
I love being in love, but hate loving someone not knowing if they love you.
I like to crochet.
I hate to follow patterns.
I love to play video games but hate taking the time.
I love snuggling on the couch.
I love the fact that I can remember some things with great clarity, but hate the fact I can forget who sings a song or what a movie was about.
I love the fall.
I love to sleep in.
Ok, I love writing my blog, but hate the fact that it takes up my TIME.... which is of much demand....

Peace out!

Take that, rat bastards!

I am sick and tired of spam on my blog. I have hopefully destroyed the commenting assholes by word verification. I have been watching E! Girls Next Door. I bought the new issue of Playboy. I wish I looked like those girls. School is going well. We start clinicals this week. I am excited. I get to practice my skillz on someone other than ER patients. It is COLD, my heater is messed up and I am freezing my ass off... hey wait.. that may be a good thing. There isn't much going on right now other than work and school and reading school work and working in school, so I am pretty boring. Maybe just boring. I don't think I even rate pretty. I ripped my contact this week. It sucks. I don't have another one to replace it.

Hard core soft porn

Sometimes it feels like the worlds on my shoulders
everyone's leaning on me
Cause sometimes it feels like the worlds almost over
but then they come back to me

Yeah, I stole it from Eminem. Changed a word or two. Call me Vanilla. I am feeling better. I still can't eat anything but teensy tiny bites. That is an improvement though. I have a ton to catch up on for school now. Kids are chillin like villians and I'm gellin like a felon.

I went to mom and dad's tonight. We talked about the George Foreman vs Mohammad Ali fight back ohhh a couple of years ago. It was good to see them. It seems like I hardly ever get to SEE my parents. I talk to them over the phone, but hardly ever in person any more. I miss them.

I can't wait for Jay to come back home and get Miss Kitty. Tilly has been pissed at me since the day she got here. If he doesn't want her I will probably have to find her a good home.

Yeah... I feel that bad

Monday night I worked. I got home, went to bed and woke up Tuesday kinda feeling run down. You know that I've been going to hard and not resting enough feeling? Yeah, I had it. I had to go to the city for a conference and really wanted to take the self-defense course they were offering there along with our leadership meeting. The class ended up being full so I went ahead and went to the etiquitte class instead. I don't think I've ever been more bored in my life. I was taught how to sit like a lady, how to wear day vs. night perfume. I was taught how to introduce people, which I did not agree with. The instructor said that you should always introduce the lady first.... as in Mrs and Mr. Zwick. I always thought it should be Mr and Mrs Zwick. The husband is introduced first. Anyway, the class was lame. I wish I could've kicked some ass in self defense. After the conference a few girls and I went out for lunch and drinks. We changed from our ugly yellow and green shirts into regular clothes going down the interstate. So yeah, if you saw four girls in a truck all changing clothes on I35 that was us. We had lunch and went shopping for a bit. I called my guy and talked to him for a few minutes and came home. I get home and I start feeling REALLY bad. I end up going to bed at 630. I wake up Wed morning feeling like ulitimate dog shit. I drag ass to class. Around 10 am my instructor asks if I am feeling ok. I reply, no I am not. She takes my temp 102.7. Just like the radio station, I think. She tells me to go home. I go. Now here I sit. I've thrown up more times than I'd like to say, my tonsils are touching and covered with white junk. I walk down the steps of my house and my legs shake like crazy. I forced myself to eat solid food today and now my thoat hurts so much that even sprite makes me want to cry. I am being a baby, I know. The thing that chaps my ass more than anything is my house looks like SHIT. I mean literally I haven't touched it since monday night. It looks bad. Dishes everywhere. I need to get well so I can clean. What incentive. Then on top of everything who knows how much class work I've missed. I get these stupid damn tonsil infections twice a year- with fall and spring. Maybe I should have my tonsils cut out?

M'Lady

When I lived in PA there was a guy who I worked with. His name is Jesse. He was a scrawny blonde guy who had more cents in his pocket than sense in his head. I knew then, but am totally sure now that the boy was on drugs. He varied between being hilarous to work with and me wanting to strangle him. One time while working a saturday night after Fat Daddy's let out, (correct me if I'm wrong, Josh) Jesse decides to start calling every female "my lady" like he was in midevil times. At first it was kind of funny because it was only the female employees. Then it was every female that he saw. "Thank You, m'lady" Everyone laughed, so he kept doing it. Like a child who wants attention he only got worse until I was about ready to scream. That was the night I burned my forearm. I still have a scar from that. It hurt so much. I guess I have been feeling a little nostalgic with the approaching fall. I love fall. It is my favorite time of year. I miss the trees of PA. The crispness of the air, and the beauty of the sky. I miss standing in my kitchen on York Manor Rd listening to the chruch bells ring. We don't have that here. We can't get the oldness and the feeling of the northeast here. I loved the first year I moved to PA. How new everything was, the people, the bustle, the climate. I miss driving to Leymone and taking the kids to the pet store. I miss driving across the Susquhanna river going into Harrisburg. I miss the huge old churh in Dallastown. I miss the red barn on the way to the farm where I turned to go to Dallastown. I miss catching fireflies in Yoe. I even miss the horrible traffic on Route 30. I miss going to Lancaster to the Amish stores. I miss having delivery and a big movie theatre. I miss my friend Tammy and going to Leymoine with her and shopping. I miss late night runs to the grocery store and Rite Aide. There are lots of things I miss, but I am happy with the way things are now. I have wonderful people in my life and look forward to making even more memories this fall.

Lunch Tales

The past couple of afternoons I have gone out with friends for lunch. Yesterday was a nice fun lunch at a chinese resturaunt. Today was a balls to the walls loud lunch at a local fast food joint. I rode with a few other people and if you have ever spent the majoity of a drive pumping your brakes on the passenger side.... well... then you know what I'm talking about. I just KNEW a few times we were going to rear end the car in front of us (our classmates). I had a good time though. We are due to go to a convention in OKC next week. I will probably ride with some of the other students. I have a feeling it will be a blast.

Last night I had to work, so it was really really late by the time I got to sleep. I had just gotten to sleep when this loud boom seemingly coming from the back door woke me up. I just knew I had left my dog outside. I get up and open my back door.. nothing. I go to the front door and just as I'm about to open it I hear the noise again at my back door. I walk into the laundry room only to be scared to death by the cat jumping up from behind the dryer. So much for sleep. I laid back down for maybe 30 minutes trying to sleep when Bren comes and gets in bed with me. He puts his head on my arm and within 10 minutes my arm is tingling and numb. I move him over, look at the clock and think, "two hours 45 minutes." I close my eyes only to have the cat jump on the bed and position herself over my thoat. After moving her over she lies on my chest and begins licking my cheek like a dog. I am not going to tell you what I was thinking at that moment, but it wasn't nice.

Going back to study more now. I have a test tommorrow and just needed a break.