You gotta work it girl...

I am sore. I have been using exercise as a stress reliever. I used to get stressed and eat. Now I get stressed I work out. I am sore today. I like being sore. I like working out. I love feeling strong. Is that a power trip? I don't think so, but don't care if it is. I like feeling strong but I also like feeling protected. School is going well. I study all the time, or at least a few hours a day. The other day I was down at my mom and dad's and we were working on my car. I was going through some of the old cassette tapes (I only have a cassette player in my car) and found one of my old mix tapes. It was so funny, I had all sorts of old music on there. Talk about a trip back to 1994/95. I took it so I could listen to it on the way to school. I'm ballin' out of control rollin' up on the lot listening to Skee Lo "I wish". I know, you all wish you were as cool as I am. HA!

I am cat sitting my old cat for a month. She obviously remembers me because she's been here for maybe five hours and is already sitting on my desk, on my keyboard.... oh it's going to be a long month. I also realised how anal I am today. I am not thinking about oh boy, my tilly has a playmate...I am thinking... oh shit... cat hair, all over my house. Maybe I'm just obsessive about my house, or maybe I'm just crazy, but I love having my house clean and in order. I don't feel like I can rest until it's in order. I think it's due to my upbringing. Thanks Mom, thanks Dad.

Speaking of my mom and dad I just want to say that I love them very much. I don't know where I would be without my parents. They have helped me so much. I don't get to see them nearly as much as I would like now that school's started. I am so lucky to have a mom and dad that clearly love each other and have kept their stuff together for 28 years. There aren't many people nowdays that can say that. I hope I can say that one day. I hope that one day me and my sister can be old ladies going shopping together, picking out stuff for our grandkids, looking all stylish in our elastic waist pants pulled up to our chins and our floral print shirts and costume jewelry. Of couse my sis would have to have children first. I am glad she has waited to get married and have kids, but honestly I can't wait to be an aunt. I want to be able to keep it for her and Cody so they can go out by themselves once in a while. I want to be able to take the little critter to the park and watch it play. I want to be an aunt. A fun aunt. More importantly though, I want my sister to finish school, get a degree and a good job so that she will be more secure when she has children. Parenthood is hard enough when you don't have to worry about money.

Ok, I'm ranting. I haven't posted in a while, so here is my jibberish. No Jay, I didn't read it before I posted, but I know that I haven't said anything about you-know-who... so you can just shut your pie hole. :) It was good seeing you today though. It's been a month of Sundays. I am glad you are doing well.

It's thundering! Ohhh hopefully it will rain and I can sleep...... night yall

Goodnight Moon

Things I do almost everynight before bed:


Let my dog out.

Tuck my kids in bed.

Argue about if the TV stays on or off.

Tell my daughter to go back to bed at least two times.

Study until my eyes hurt even when I close them.

Take a shower (most nights).

Watch TV for a few minutes

look at all the little kids who are lost from New Orleans

wonder how many are dead

wonder how many were left to die by drugged out mothers/fathers/etc

be thankful that my kids are healthy and happy

take my contacts out

get a glass of water

tell my dog goodnight

tell my mathematician goodnight

turn the tv off

lie awake for hours and hours and hours....

get up and go check on my kids.

get up and check my doors.

get up and get a snack.

get up and watch tv.

get up and bitch at myself for not being able to sleep.

Lack of sleep has got to affect my memory fuctions.

The past few nights everytime I close my eyes I have nightmares. What's up with that?

A Beautiful Mind

How about an exhausted mind? John Nash, move over... I'm putting more stuff in my head than extraterrestrial were putting in yours. Wait... There are no aliens.. so they couldn't put anything in your head.. so does that mean.. I have nothing in mine? Yeah.. don't answer that. I was going to write a post, but got to talking about football with a few people so my writing just kind of went out the window. I wish that I had had the opportunity to get into sports as a kid. I really like some sports. I love boxing. I love the aggressiveness of it. I guess that's one of the reasons I like football. The challenge. The roughness of it all. I will never forget the day I was knocked on my ass by mathboy. He was just playing, but we both went down. He is stronger than what he realizes. He apologized a jillion times but all I could think was, jeez, this might be fun. I love wrestling and playing around, so I have to admit I liked being tackled. Now, I don't want some ole 260lb bag of muscles running into me full force... but I could stand to get out and rough up Bren and P. every now and then. Ok, I've gotten off subject, if there ever was a subject. Who knows with me. One day I will write a novel on the hilariousness that is my life. I only hope that it will be funny to me then, because there are times now that I don't think it's too humorous.

One of these days I'm going to break these chains

Brenden and I are sitting at the kitchen table. "Spell about" I tell him. "A-B-O-U-T" he chants and gives me a big grin. I praise him and we go on to the remainder of his spelling words. My boy has no idea how much I love him. How I want the best for him, how I want to give him all the good things in life. He only knows I make him wear a patch, write his spelling words, make him clean his room, and check his math. "Tommorrow is picture day mom." He says. "Are you going to buy pictures for us?" I told him I didn't know. I do know. I will not. Pictures are so expensive. I haven't been able to buy them for the past two school years. Little things like this make me so angry. I know, it's just school pictures. It's just the weekly reader. It's just a certain kind of bath shampoo. It's just soccer or karate lessons. Nothing big. Nothing they can't do without. I know this. I know they aren't going to die without these things. What pisses me off is that I can't GIVE them these things. I can't buy them the little things. I can't just say ok, pick out whatever smelly good shampoo you want, or girlie earrings. This pisses me off. I don't mind going without myself, I just hate it for my kids. This is what I use everyday that I don't want to get up. It is also what I use every night I have to work. It is what I use when I think I want to scream from the exhaustion of it all. This is my fuel. My desire. I desire to be able to give my kids the little things. I desire to be able to get up and put on a white uniform and go to work knowing that I earned it. Every day I spend in class and every night I read until my eyes are tired and spasming is one day closer to taking my final test. I will be able to give my kids the little things. I will be able to buy them a car when they are 16 and I will be able to send them to college. I will be able to help them when they need me. This is why I keep going everyday. I don't want to NEED anyone to help me. I fucking hate needing help from anyone else. I refuse to stay in a position where I have to ask anyone for help. I will get off my soapbox for now. I had planned on writing something much lighter, but this is what came out. I don't want to seem down, because I am not down, just determined. I have a goal to reach and I plan on reaching it.

Cinnamon and sugary and softly spoken lies

Ok, I have a problem. I have a pair of jeans. Blue Levi Jeans. They are too big for me so I normally do not wear them. I needed jeans the other day so I went to look for them. I can not find them anywhere. I have no clue where these jeans have gone off to. I haven't worn them anywhere, so I know they are here somewhere. I just don't know where. I tooked all over my room, the kids room and the living room. my laundry is done, so I even looked behind the washer to make sure they weren't there. They have vanished into this air and it's driving me CRAZY!!!!

Funny thing. Today I had Bren take out all the scraps for Drags. Dragon ate until his belly was FULL. We went out a little bit later and let him off his rope so he could run around. We were throwing the football around and normally Dragon loves to chase the football or the person chasing the football. Today he was running after Bren but was so full he just stopped half way there and just laid down. He was so full that he couldn't run. It was pretty funny. My uncle came up and we tossed the football for a while. It was a pretty good day. I am going to go off an search for my jeans some more. I'm about to rearrange the entire house looking for these darn things.

Nothing in Particular

There are times I want to pour my heart and soul onto these keys. I have to stop and remember that it's public. I have to stop and remember that it's not just strangers reading this. It's people I know. I do not want to tell everyone what I am feeling. I do want to share my life though- touch as many people as I can. I don't know, maybe someone out there can sit back in their chair and go "thank God I'm not as crazy as this woman!" Even if I just give a few minutes of boredom relief then my job is done. I love to write. I used to dream that one day I would be a writer. I don't know that I would have the patience to do that now, but I do know that I enjoy this blog far more than I would've ever thought possible. As a child I used to write in a diary, and even now I still write outside of here. It's odd the way people think. I am whimsy and a daydreamer, doodling in class while the instructor drones on and on. I dream about the future and what it will bring. My mathematician stated the other day that I wasn't indecisive. That I knew exactly what I wanted. Maybe I do to a point. The thing is, I've always known what I have wanted. It doesn't mean I ever get it. I know now that the things that I can control such as school and work I will get. I know this, and I know that I will be successful at what I do. I am determined to succeed. Other things, life things I am not so sure about. I don't know about love. I know that loving someone doesn't make them love you back. I know that having children doesn't make you a good parent. I know that I want to succeed at all of these things. I want to have a successful career. I want to be loved as well as love. I want to be a good parent. These are my goals. I think everything else will fall into place if I can achieve these. I am trying on all three. I am realistic enough to know that I may not be able meet them, but it won't stop me from trying. Ten years from now I would like to have my degree and several certifications to go with it. I would like to be working at a place that I really enjoy. I would like to be married to someone I really love and who loves me. I would like my kids to be happy and healthy and good people. In ten years I want Brenden to be preparing to go off to college and Mary preparing to get her license. I want to come home to a house full of kids tearing through my kitchen. See.. I told you I was a daydreamer.. Ok, I am done. One more thing and I will wrap this up. I found this the other night. I think it's fitting.

He drew a circle that shut me out-
Heretic, rebel, a thing to flout.
But Love and I had the wit to win:
We drew a circle that took him in!
Edwin Markham

My Little Family

mom and bren


Tilly's bad haircut


Mary and mom



It's me 

Spelling Bee Finalist

For my mathematician. Did you notice the spelling? It's just for you. Happy now? ;)

See, not only is he hot.. He's smart... which only makes me feel obviously ignorant.

Ok, folks, going to bed now. Hope you all have sweet dreams.