Holla Back Girl

I don't know if any of you have heard this new Gwen Stefani song, but it immediately takes me back to highschool and I want to start chanting BHS is the BEST!! It's a cute song. I think it will get old quickly though. It'll be like that Montel Jordan song.. "This is how we do it". That was big my senior year, that and Hotstepper, I think was the name. It's kind of funny thinking back now. I am kind of digging Karma by Alicia Keys. Go figure, right? Anyway, to my point, if there is one. I was rereading some of my posts the other day and I realized just how down I sound. I don't want my blog to read as a pity party for myself... I'm not the type of person who will sit around wanting someone to cry for me. This is just my place to free throw my thoughts into the air and get it all out. I don't intend to quit doing that. My point is, I am going to try to be a little more positive. All things happen in this life for a reason. Everything I have been through and have put people through has made me stronger. I honestly feel that life holds a lot more for me, and that I will be happy. Heck, I am ten thousand times happier now than I was three years ago. SO in order to try and set things on a more positive note I am going to list some of the things I like, or that I remember fondly.

Learning to line dance in my dad's shop with my sister.
The Cello, I love the hauntingly sad sounds it makes.
The sunflower Jay sent me when I had surgery.
The smell of a man's cologne, when the man is next to me.. Not when it's in the bottle.
Remembering the time Jay was attacked by the squirrel.
Mary putting her head on my shoulder while we are reading a book.
The way Brenden will grab my hand when we walk.
Remembering the time Justin stuck a paperclip in the electric socket.. Still makes me laugh even now...
Remembering putting the cast on Ron's lock at work.
The smell of my lilac bush.
The smell of mimosa blossoms... poison but beautiful and fragrant, like me..
The feeling of the sun beating down on my shoulders on a spring day.
Working out until I finally start to sweat, I love that feeling, the rush.
Remembering the time J went into the women's restroom in Washington DC.
Remembering J at the turn pike... Still makes me laugh.
Putting Kel in his place, God I so stood up for myself and it felt so good..
freshly painted toes
Josh taking me to the ice cream parlor.
Me laughing at Josh for freaking out about sports.. I mean.. It's just a game... Right?
playing AOE with J, James, and Eddie.
Sitting on my porch with my Dad.
Calling my Dad screaming when there was a LIZARD in my house.... I had yet to find out about the freaking millipedes that were to stalk me in PA.
Riding on the back of a motorcycle.
Riding on the back of the four wheeler with J, with the road dark in front of us, my arms around his back, and my heart in his hands..
Mary singing in the car.
Playing Silent Hill with Josh.
Laying on my bed reading a good book.
The look Jay gives me when he thinks I am crazy... Also the same look he gives me when he wonders what the crap I am talking about.
Brenden and I playing hide and seek in our old house when he was a little boy.
Making the sidewalks at our old house... They lasted longer than we did.
Running down the road as a kid, with the wind in my hair.
My sister and the "peg leg" incident.
My sister and the "sunny bitch" incident.
My sister and the "lipstick" incident.
Laughing until I cry and my stomach hurts.



Well, there are a lot of good things here in my list. Some of them make me think of the bad things, but that's life. I don't hate J. We had good times and bad. I think a lot of my bitterness comes in because I feel like I was cheated. That had he been up front with me from the beginning about his sexuality that I could have been "spared". What sort of person would I be then? I don't think he did not tell me because he was being malicious. I think he did not tell me because he himself had not come to terms with who he was. I don't' know if he has even now. I feel that he thinks he has, but until he can be honest to the world about who he is and who he loves, then it's all a facade. I don't want to live my life not being able to hold the one I love in public, have my family know them as my partner, or include them in my work circle. However, these are my opinions, not his. I can't make J happy, and nor do I care to try anymore. It proved futile for me. I only wish that he could find his own happiness and be honest to himself and the rest of us who cared for him. Part of me thinks he owes me that. Part of me demands to hear him say to someone other than me, and his gay circle up north that Yes, I am a bisexual male. I had a wife, she found me in bed with another man. She left me. I can't get the life I had back, nor do I want it back because I have found that the life I lead now fufills me more than life with her did. I doubt I will ever get this. It is part of my closure that I will not receive., and that I will ok with in time.

Ok, enough of sappy crap. Today is my last day off. I plan to make the best of it.

The Woman with you...

It's been a stressful week. I have been told twice by two different people that I'm bitter. Yeah, I agree. I am bitter. I am hurting inside. My life has been flipped up and drug through shit. It's my perception. I heard a lot about perception... you know.. The way I perceive things IS my reality.. And it is the truth for me. I know I'm not perfect and I know that I wasn't perfect at my marriage. Hell, who the crap is? I have never pretended to be a saint, and I'll tell anybody who asks I'm just as human as they are. I screw up too. J doesn't like my blog. He doesn't like how I say how I feel. I don't like how I feel. I don't like being unable to trust any man. I don't like automatically assuming every man is gay or has gay/bi tendencies. It really doesn't help dating at all. I hate not wanting to be close to anyone. I hate wanting to be loved yet pushing away the people who care about me and the people who might potentially care about me I blow off. I hate that fear I have. Yes, J, YOU are to blame for this one. All I want is to be the woman that a man looks forward to coming home to. I want to have a home and a garden and I want to feel safe knowing that as soon as he walks though the door that everything will be ok. I want to have him hold me in his arms and I want to feel safe and loved. I don't want to ever have to question his sexuality, I want to know that he is all about me, and only me. I want to curl up beside him and lay my head on his arm and talk about nothing and everything and laugh again.... I want to laugh again, it's gone. I know that I want all of this, but I know that the chances of me ever EVER having it are slim to none. I know that the chances of me trusting someone fully and wholly are slim to none. I feel so fucking broken inside and I don't know how to heal myself. I know God heals all things and that one day he will mend my broken heart but I jsut hope that he makes me bearable to live with while he's mending me.

Tonight I'm alone. Kids are gone. With their Dad. I always get depressed when they are away from me. I need them. I miss them so much. Mary's little head should be in the crook of my arm and Bubba's leg should be thrown over my leg. I am bawling like an idiot wondering where my life went. Stupid Kenny Chesney song. I heard it on the way home, so I came home and downloaded it. Now I am bawling over a husband that I don't have and a can of peas that I haven't dropped, and a familiarity with someone that I don't have.

Jay says I have a wall that goes higher and higher. He's right. It just keeps getting taller. Tonight I went for a drive and ended up at work. I had a decent talk with Ben. That helped me to have someone to talk to. Someone there to lend an ear and just listen to me. To sit with me and be with me. I don't get that a lot. I miss that. He was talking about going to baseball games and doing things.. and it made me sad. I don't want to say jealous, but really sad. I want someone to do those things with, but I want to be ok first. I want to be able to give 110 % and not just whatever I can muster up.

You know, this is probably MORE than enough crap for tonight. I am way way tired and my eyes are way way swollen. I think about how shitty my life is and I need to wake up and look around. There are lots worse out there. For now I'll end with one of my favorite Gay men... one who never married...

But oh how it feels so real
Lying here with no one near
Only you and you can't hear me
When I say softly, slowly

Hold me closer, tiny dancer
Count the headlights on the highway
Lay me down in sheets of linen
You had a busy day today

Blue jean baby... LA Lady... Seamstress for the band....


Such a awesome song.

What a Knotty girl...

Yesterday I was supposed to go in for an HB scan to see how much my gallbladder is functioning. I didn't go. I blew it off and went with my dad to get lumber for my porch. We went up to Lowes and almost got kicked out of the building. Any of you who know my Dad know that he's a good guy with an incredible drive for doing things and can do just about anything he sets his mind to (much like his eldest daughter). He is also a "tad" impatient when it comes to wasting time. Anyway we are in Lowes getting our lumber and we needed 10 ft boards. There they were, just out of reach above our heads. Now my dad, being the guy that he is simply has me hold our rolling cart still while he climbs on top of it and proceeds to take out his pocket knife and cut the straps off of the lumber above our heads. We then start to pick through those boards wanting to get the best ones for my porch. Of course it was just a matter of time before there was the manager standing below asking my Dad to PLEASE come down now. Dad said ok, and got down off of the rolling cart and simply climbed up the wall and continued to get our boards. We finally got what we needed before the guy got there with a loader to bring it down. It was a fun day. We have all we need now to finish my porches and hopefully I can get everything done before too long.

Next up, my gallbladder. I got my scan today. My gb is functioning at 9%. It is coming out tommorrow. Whoo whoo surgery. I am terrified. Not of the surgery, but for my kids. If something happens to me what about my kids? That is what scares me the most. I was telling my son that I might have to have surgery and he started crying and said that I couldn't leave him. That he couldn't be without me because no one could take care of him like I do. It made me cry, and of course made me feel good. I love my babes so much. I guess I am going to be off for the rest of the week at least. What a crap way to have a vacation huh?


NOW, enough of blogging. I am getting dressed and going out to lunch. I am going to have the nicest finest meal I can find in Ada, my last meal as a "whole woman".....

Here we go again

This morning I get up and find a lovely message from J. It goes something like this:


(4/9/2005 11:51:12 AM): just wanted to let you know that the last couple of days I have done a lot of thinking and finally got to the point in my mind where I want to be friends with you, You are fun to be with, I understand you points, and respect your decisions. I want to be a part of the kids live and US to work together. i just hope we can get on the same page with the kids in mind. I'm not a bad father to those two, I think you are just upset with me, and rightly so. I promise to help you with them. I should be able to in a few more months. I am making a lot of progress on the bills, triing to get that damned household finace down, you know what I'm talking about there, and through it all i still think you are a wonderful person and still love you, hell I always will, can't help that.



Now, first read through I was like "awww, finally he wants to help me" . Second read through I was like "wait wait... this is mind games.. I've been through this all too many times". Somewhere between the third and thirty fifth read through my translations goes something like this...

"Oh shit. I just found out you turned me over to the state for unpaid child support. Please call them off! I am going to mind fuck you just like I did the last time so that you will stop having my wages garnished. I miss the way you pay the bills for me and always keep everything in order. I miss having you as my cover! I tried to be a good father to my kids when I wasn't ignoring them, yelling at them, or molesting my son at night. You are pissed at me, but I've gotten you to reconsider in the past, so maybe I can do it now. I am a selfish bastard who is making approximately 4000 a month, but I can't send any of it to you right now, because my boyfriends are too important to me. Maybe in a few months I can send you some money, so just get the state off my ass ok? I am going to tell you I love you in hopes that it will get you to do what I want you to do, because I do still love you a little bit.. when you do what I want... so why don't you do what I want? "


This is my translation, but maybe I am just being a bitter cow??? I mean, what's a year without any contact? No phone calls at christmas time, no calls EVER. What's a year without making an effort to be a father except to send a letter to the teacher at school to tell the class to be sure and write or to send pictures to school when you are deployed??? I mean a couple of letters to the school sure beat the hell out of actually TALKING to your kids, right? It's all about an image he wants to portray. I've been through this all before and maybe I am a little calloused and jaded, but by being this way I know I'm not going to get screwed over by him anymore. The I want to be friends stuff is bullshit. If he wanted to be friends he would be trying a hell of a lot harder than that. I would be willing to bet money that his boyfriend dumped him. I am talking serious bucks on this one.
I don't really care. I won't allow my babies to get hurt again. I won't let my son ever be touched by him again, and I really just hope that he realises that I'm not the same pushover that I used to be.

Damn I need a drink.

I am alone... I am utterly alone...

Ahh had Wynona Rider only known how profound those little words would become to me when she was making Beetlejuice.. It's been a weird weekend to say the least, and to say I've been depressed would be an understatement. I worked this weekend, so the kids were at C's. I feel so alone. I want to be held. I want to have someone to come home and talk to. I want to have someone to listen to me rant about my day for a while. I want someone to watch tv with and fall asleep with my head on their lap and have them wake me up to go to bed. It sucks being alone. Everyone knows that. However, would I rather be with someone who I didn't love than be alone? NO. Would I "stick it through" if I was totally unhappy? NO. I know this is a stupid sucky ass journey, and I really don't like it. It would be so much easier to give in, and give up the fight. I can't. I won't. I feel like my heart and insides are twisting into a bunch of goop, and there is nothing I can do about it. I know what I want. I see it clearly in front of me, looking back at me, but I can't have it. Not yet. I may never get to have it. That is my luck. I had a good talk today that only left me even more depressed. Ben gave me a hug and I just wanted to bawl. Life just isn't fair. There are girls prancing around giddy over the fact that they are going to have babies, and life is so great, and I'm going home alone, to an empty house, once again. I know, I'm just being a sour puss. A gripy grouchy buttface, but lets face it... I am a gripy grouchy buttface and rightfully so. A lady told me today, God sees to your needs, you just have to trust that he will make better decisions than you... This was said in a different context, but applies to my situation with a perfect fit. Ok, my babes just got home, and I'm soooo happy to see them. We will fix a yummy dinner and then get our tushies in bed.. either that or they will get their tushies in bed and I will spend another night of insomnia.