Holla Back Girl

I don't know if any of you have heard this new Gwen Stefani song, but it immediately takes me back to highschool and I want to start chanting BHS is the BEST!! It's a cute song. I think it will get old quickly though. It'll be like that Montel Jordan song.. "This is how we do it". That was big my senior year, that and Hotstepper, I think was the name. It's kind of funny thinking back now. I am kind of digging Karma by Alicia Keys. Go figure, right? Anyway, to my point, if there is one. I was rereading some of my posts the other day and I realized just how down I sound. I don't want my blog to read as a pity party for myself... I'm not the type of person who will sit around wanting someone to cry for me. This is just my place to free throw my thoughts into the air and get it all out. I don't intend to quit doing that. My point is, I am going to try to be a little more positive. All things happen in this life for a reason. Everything I have been through and have put people through has made me stronger. I honestly feel that life holds a lot more for me, and that I will be happy. Heck, I am ten thousand times happier now than I was three years ago. SO in order to try and set things on a more positive note I am going to list some of the things I like, or that I remember fondly.

Learning to line dance in my dad's shop with my sister.
The Cello, I love the hauntingly sad sounds it makes.
The sunflower Jay sent me when I had surgery.
The smell of a man's cologne, when the man is next to me.. Not when it's in the bottle.
Remembering the time Jay was attacked by the squirrel.
Mary putting her head on my shoulder while we are reading a book.
The way Brenden will grab my hand when we walk.
Remembering the time Justin stuck a paperclip in the electric socket.. Still makes me laugh even now...
Remembering putting the cast on Ron's lock at work.
The smell of my lilac bush.
The smell of mimosa blossoms... poison but beautiful and fragrant, like me..
The feeling of the sun beating down on my shoulders on a spring day.
Working out until I finally start to sweat, I love that feeling, the rush.
Remembering the time J went into the women's restroom in Washington DC.
Remembering J at the turn pike... Still makes me laugh.
Putting Kel in his place, God I so stood up for myself and it felt so good..
freshly painted toes
Josh taking me to the ice cream parlor.
Me laughing at Josh for freaking out about sports.. I mean.. It's just a game... Right?
playing AOE with J, James, and Eddie.
Sitting on my porch with my Dad.
Calling my Dad screaming when there was a LIZARD in my house.... I had yet to find out about the freaking millipedes that were to stalk me in PA.
Riding on the back of a motorcycle.
Riding on the back of the four wheeler with J, with the road dark in front of us, my arms around his back, and my heart in his hands..
Mary singing in the car.
Playing Silent Hill with Josh.
Laying on my bed reading a good book.
The look Jay gives me when he thinks I am crazy... Also the same look he gives me when he wonders what the crap I am talking about.
Brenden and I playing hide and seek in our old house when he was a little boy.
Making the sidewalks at our old house... They lasted longer than we did.
Running down the road as a kid, with the wind in my hair.
My sister and the "peg leg" incident.
My sister and the "sunny bitch" incident.
My sister and the "lipstick" incident.
Laughing until I cry and my stomach hurts.



Well, there are a lot of good things here in my list. Some of them make me think of the bad things, but that's life. I don't hate J. We had good times and bad. I think a lot of my bitterness comes in because I feel like I was cheated. That had he been up front with me from the beginning about his sexuality that I could have been "spared". What sort of person would I be then? I don't think he did not tell me because he was being malicious. I think he did not tell me because he himself had not come to terms with who he was. I don't' know if he has even now. I feel that he thinks he has, but until he can be honest to the world about who he is and who he loves, then it's all a facade. I don't want to live my life not being able to hold the one I love in public, have my family know them as my partner, or include them in my work circle. However, these are my opinions, not his. I can't make J happy, and nor do I care to try anymore. It proved futile for me. I only wish that he could find his own happiness and be honest to himself and the rest of us who cared for him. Part of me thinks he owes me that. Part of me demands to hear him say to someone other than me, and his gay circle up north that Yes, I am a bisexual male. I had a wife, she found me in bed with another man. She left me. I can't get the life I had back, nor do I want it back because I have found that the life I lead now fufills me more than life with her did. I doubt I will ever get this. It is part of my closure that I will not receive., and that I will ok with in time.

Ok, enough of sappy crap. Today is my last day off. I plan to make the best of it.