The Woman with you...
It's been a stressful week. I have been told twice by two different people that I'm bitter. Yeah, I agree. I am bitter. I am hurting inside. My life has been flipped up and drug through shit. It's my perception. I heard a lot about perception... you know.. The way I perceive things IS my reality.. And it is the truth for me. I know I'm not perfect and I know that I wasn't perfect at my marriage. Hell, who the crap is? I have never pretended to be a saint, and I'll tell anybody who asks I'm just as human as they are. I screw up too. J doesn't like my blog. He doesn't like how I say how I feel. I don't like how I feel. I don't like being unable to trust any man. I don't like automatically assuming every man is gay or has gay/bi tendencies. It really doesn't help dating at all. I hate not wanting to be close to anyone. I hate wanting to be loved yet pushing away the people who care about me and the people who might potentially care about me I blow off. I hate that fear I have. Yes, J, YOU are to blame for this one. All I want is to be the woman that a man looks forward to coming home to. I want to have a home and a garden and I want to feel safe knowing that as soon as he walks though the door that everything will be ok. I want to have him hold me in his arms and I want to feel safe and loved. I don't want to ever have to question his sexuality, I want to know that he is all about me, and only me. I want to curl up beside him and lay my head on his arm and talk about nothing and everything and laugh again.... I want to laugh again, it's gone. I know that I want all of this, but I know that the chances of me ever EVER having it are slim to none. I know that the chances of me trusting someone fully and wholly are slim to none. I feel so fucking broken inside and I don't know how to heal myself. I know God heals all things and that one day he will mend my broken heart but I jsut hope that he makes me bearable to live with while he's mending me.
Tonight I'm alone. Kids are gone. With their Dad. I always get depressed when they are away from me. I need them. I miss them so much. Mary's little head should be in the crook of my arm and Bubba's leg should be thrown over my leg. I am bawling like an idiot wondering where my life went. Stupid Kenny Chesney song. I heard it on the way home, so I came home and downloaded it. Now I am bawling over a husband that I don't have and a can of peas that I haven't dropped, and a familiarity with someone that I don't have.
Jay says I have a wall that goes higher and higher. He's right. It just keeps getting taller. Tonight I went for a drive and ended up at work. I had a decent talk with Ben. That helped me to have someone to talk to. Someone there to lend an ear and just listen to me. To sit with me and be with me. I don't get that a lot. I miss that. He was talking about going to baseball games and doing things.. and it made me sad. I don't want to say jealous, but really sad. I want someone to do those things with, but I want to be ok first. I want to be able to give 110 % and not just whatever I can muster up.
You know, this is probably MORE than enough crap for tonight. I am way way tired and my eyes are way way swollen. I think about how shitty my life is and I need to wake up and look around. There are lots worse out there. For now I'll end with one of my favorite Gay men... one who never married...
But oh how it feels so real
Lying here with no one near
Only you and you can't hear me
When I say softly, slowly
Hold me closer, tiny dancer
Count the headlights on the highway
Lay me down in sheets of linen
You had a busy day today
Blue jean baby... LA Lady... Seamstress for the band....
Such a awesome song.
Tonight I'm alone. Kids are gone. With their Dad. I always get depressed when they are away from me. I need them. I miss them so much. Mary's little head should be in the crook of my arm and Bubba's leg should be thrown over my leg. I am bawling like an idiot wondering where my life went. Stupid Kenny Chesney song. I heard it on the way home, so I came home and downloaded it. Now I am bawling over a husband that I don't have and a can of peas that I haven't dropped, and a familiarity with someone that I don't have.
Jay says I have a wall that goes higher and higher. He's right. It just keeps getting taller. Tonight I went for a drive and ended up at work. I had a decent talk with Ben. That helped me to have someone to talk to. Someone there to lend an ear and just listen to me. To sit with me and be with me. I don't get that a lot. I miss that. He was talking about going to baseball games and doing things.. and it made me sad. I don't want to say jealous, but really sad. I want someone to do those things with, but I want to be ok first. I want to be able to give 110 % and not just whatever I can muster up.
You know, this is probably MORE than enough crap for tonight. I am way way tired and my eyes are way way swollen. I think about how shitty my life is and I need to wake up and look around. There are lots worse out there. For now I'll end with one of my favorite Gay men... one who never married...
But oh how it feels so real
Lying here with no one near
Only you and you can't hear me
When I say softly, slowly
Hold me closer, tiny dancer
Count the headlights on the highway
Lay me down in sheets of linen
You had a busy day today
Blue jean baby... LA Lady... Seamstress for the band....
Such a awesome song.
posted by bib at
4:35 AM
3 Comments:
Walls can always be broken down, but emotinoal barriers are much harder. You'll have to find it in yourself whether you can love again. I hope you can. I believe you are capable of it, but I also know it's going to take a lot of hard work. I wish you luck in your journey to a new you. Godspeed.
By
Jay, at 2:28 AM
Bridgett, you are luckier than what you think. You've got so much going for you right now. I know there is no man around you
24-7 to help you, love you, and just be a friend. Cast all worries upon the Lord and He will take care of them for you, you just have to let them go and let Him take care of them.
I can't say I've been in your shoes, but I can tell you that things will get better. Always look up when your feeling down, let God see your pretty face and He will put a smile in your heart!
Have Faith, Bridgette, know in your heart that you will someday seek hapiness. Your kids are there to support you, you've got Jay, friends, family. Like you said, it could be worse. I'm not around you to say that your a bitter person, but you stand your ground, count to 10 and walk away.
You know who you are.....always remember that.
Your a beautiful girl with beautiful kids. Your dreams will come true, just believe they will and have patience.
I wish you all the luck!
Take care.....
By
Anonymous, at 9:34 AM
I've felt that fragile before.
You need to somehow convince yourself that the only person who has the power to hurt yourself is you.
You can let the wounds that have hurt you continue to control your life or you can get up, treat them as learning lessons and move on, stronger.
Put on "I will survive" loud on the stereo and sing along. I did that for a full year, although to Cake's male version. It worked wonders just helping me keep my chin up one day at a time.
I think it's a shame when people completely stop taking the kind of risks they need to get the things they want.
At some point you're going to have take a chance again with the possibility of being hurt.
You just need to believe in yourself, give trust where it hasn't been won and if someone betrays that trust, you realize they didn't deserve it at all, they don't deserve another second of your thoughts and you keep trying until you find someone who does deserve all the good things you have to offer.
By
Outburst, at 8:01 AM
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