Quiet Nights

Sitting beside him in the dark. I dangle my feet off the roof, listening to the sounds coming from the garage. He sits beside me, the wind ruffling his blonde curls. Neither of us know that in five years he will be gone. I glance at him out of the corner of my eye. He's so handsome I think. He sees me looking, takes a drag of his cigarette, and smiles at me. He will never see me as anything but a friend. I know that. I see him as a pretty good friend myself. We talk for a while. I look at the sky. Dark blue with a brilliant moon glowing in the sky, almost drowning out all of the stars. He takes one last drag of his cigarette, puts it out on the shingle, hops down onto the heating air unit and reaches his hand out to help me down. That weekend was the very last weekend I saw him. He went back to Illinois. He was killed in a motorcycle accident a few years later.
skip foward a few years

We sit on my porch. Both of us close but not touching. We look at the sky. I comment on how pretty it is. Stars everywhere. It's summertime and the dark has brought some relief from the heat. He talks about things. Nothing really personal, just goes on and on about this and that, using comedy to cover everything. What a good guy I think. Too good for me, I think. He has plans, motovation. I wonder if he'll ever hold my hand? He doesn't. Not this night, and not for many others. He's such a gentleman, I think. I am wrong, in the end. He wasn't the gentle good guy that I had hoped for.
a few more years

We are sitting in our bedroom. The lights and sounds come into our room from the highway below us. I haven't gotten curtains on the windows yet. I feel exposed. I am exposed. My heart is aching and my head is pounding from keeping tears and emotion inside. I ask questions he will not answer. I've learned things I cannot fathom. I am beginning to wear the color off of my rose colored glasses and am learning that things were never as I had thought they were. I feel shattered and lied to. I leave the apartment, walking slowly down the stairs, hoping he will come out to me. He doesn't. I walk down the walk and sit on the steps. Tears run down my cheeks as I watch the occassional car pass by. I look up to the sky. I can't see the stars the way I could back home. There is too much smog in the city. I wait. Hoping he will come out. Please, come and make things better, I cry inside. He doesn't come. I go back upstairs. He's fast asleep. The lights and sounds are still spilling into our room from the highway. I lie down and watch the patterns on the wall. The last chapter has begun.

about a year later

It's warm. Finally. I sit on the picnic table just outside of the back door. Its slow tonight. I look down at my black shoes and adjust the ballcap on my head. A few people come out and we sit and talk. Talk about everything, about nothing. I take the last drag off of my cigarette and put it out on the seat with my shoe. I feel pretty good. Not happy, but good. You sit next to me. both of us in the same uniform. We talk. You make me feel alive. I look across at the gas station, the never ending lights of this place. It never sleeps, I have learned to love it. It's my home. A car pulls in, my headset dings.. "Welcome to Taco Bell would you like to try our grilled stuffed burrito this evening?" Time to go back to work. You wink at me. I smile.

move foward a tad

I sit on your porch. The lightening bugs flying everywhere in the summer dusk. The row of apartments across from yours are quiet. You come out and join me. You put your arm around my shoulder and tell me you wish you could make everything all right. Nothing is alright. I want to cry, to scream, to bury my head under the covers and make all the madness go away. I have made a very crucial decision. One I had to make alone. I sit on your porch, knowing that a part of me is dying. I look over at you. I know you can see me hurting. I know you wish you could help. I wish you hadn't been so afraid. So selfish. Instead of saying this I look at you and say, "wanna go get some icecream?"

Almost there

We lie on my trampoline. Both of us content looking up at the bright stars making their patterns across the night sky. I feel happy. You turn on your side and look at me. We talk and laugh. Time has slid by so fast I forget the years that have passed since we last laid talking like this. You are the same. A little older, a little more gray, but the same. I feel different, so different, like I'm not even the same girl. A shell. You say I'm the same. I say you have no idea. You lean over, brush my cheek with your hand. I feel you love me. I lie back and look at the sky.

Last Night

I sat out on the porch, wishing I had a cigarette. Wishing I could take away the pain that's been etched into me. I look up at the sky. It's cold and clear. Like me, I think. Life is changing so fast. I am changing so fast. I don't know who I am anymore. I miss the past, I hate the past, I long for the past, I long for the future. I don't know. I rub my tired red eyes and sigh. Tilly comes up to me and nuzzles my leg. "It's time to go in" she's saying. I sigh, wishing once more for nicotine and stand up. "It'll all come out in the wash" as Patty used to say. I go inside and lie next to my children. Both are burning up with fever. I put my hands on each of them, wishing I could draw the infection from their bodies. I close my eyes and try to sleep.