I am alone... I am utterly alone...

Ahh had Wynona Rider only known how profound those little words would become to me when she was making Beetlejuice.. It's been a weird weekend to say the least, and to say I've been depressed would be an understatement. I worked this weekend, so the kids were at C's. I feel so alone. I want to be held. I want to have someone to come home and talk to. I want to have someone to listen to me rant about my day for a while. I want someone to watch tv with and fall asleep with my head on their lap and have them wake me up to go to bed. It sucks being alone. Everyone knows that. However, would I rather be with someone who I didn't love than be alone? NO. Would I "stick it through" if I was totally unhappy? NO. I know this is a stupid sucky ass journey, and I really don't like it. It would be so much easier to give in, and give up the fight. I can't. I won't. I feel like my heart and insides are twisting into a bunch of goop, and there is nothing I can do about it. I know what I want. I see it clearly in front of me, looking back at me, but I can't have it. Not yet. I may never get to have it. That is my luck. I had a good talk today that only left me even more depressed. Ben gave me a hug and I just wanted to bawl. Life just isn't fair. There are girls prancing around giddy over the fact that they are going to have babies, and life is so great, and I'm going home alone, to an empty house, once again. I know, I'm just being a sour puss. A gripy grouchy buttface, but lets face it... I am a gripy grouchy buttface and rightfully so. A lady told me today, God sees to your needs, you just have to trust that he will make better decisions than you... This was said in a different context, but applies to my situation with a perfect fit. Ok, my babes just got home, and I'm soooo happy to see them. We will fix a yummy dinner and then get our tushies in bed.. either that or they will get their tushies in bed and I will spend another night of insomnia.