You and Me

Here we are again. It's 3 am. I feel like I'd have about a fifth of whiskey. My head is swimmy and I'm emotional for no fucking reason. I listen to sad songs and think about everyone who has passed through my life. All the friends I've had, laughed with and had good time with, now all are memories fading more and more every day. One day all those good times will be forgotten and people will be forgotten forever. I guess maybe it's the full moon that's making me nostalgic, or maybe the fact that when it's all over for the night and I go to get into bed I'm the only person in it. I guess I'm afraid of what I miss. I am afraid of admitting what I want outloud. I want someone to care when I get home. I want someone to care if I've had a shitty day, and care if I rent three sappy movies from Hastings. I want someone to care if I go out and dance with some random guy who ends up giving me his "business card" at the end of the night. I want someone to care, and tonight when I go to get into bed it will hit me once again that I don't have anyone that cares. I want to get what I give. Fuck, I want someone to actually take possession of my heart, not just let it come and go, wandering as it chooses. I want a confident man to say "I love you, you are mine, your heart belongs to me." I know this won't happen. I doubt at times that anyone would want to say that to me. I go through phases of wanting to be loved and wanting to push love away and out of my life. I think I want to push it away when I realize I was never really loved at all. I wonder sometimes if I will be one of those old ladies sitting on the porch alone, volunteering for interaction, and playing bingo. I wonder sometimes if I will even make it that far. It seems that life loves kicking me in the fucking teeth just when I get things going properly. What will happen is I will fall in love with a wonderful man, who actually loves me in return, I'll get married, have a big wonderful family and then, pow, I'll either get cancer and die, or something horrible will happen. I feel that I am a walking fucking curse. Don't touch, I'm deadly. I know, I'm being a little dramatic. I tend to suck all the anger back inside me and it seeps out as self loathing and passive aggression.


Shortened version of the entire blog: I'm lonely and I'm scared that I've fallen in love and now that I've admitted it to myself it's slipping away from me. Typical and predictable.

Bloggers Block

I have a problem. I have a million words flowing inside my head, begging to be written down. I can't write a single word. I write and save the draft, and write some more, but I never publish any of it. I don't feel like I can. I know my readers vary from strangers to loved ones, and any of these people could probably talk to me for five minutes and I would tell them how I felt, but for some reason I can't seem to write the words down. I guess maybe I don't want to curse myself, or to make something seem less than what it really is to me. I don't know. I'm stuck. I can't imagine writing for a job. I would be eating Ramen Noodles for the rest of my life. I used to dream of going to NYC and becomming a writer, living in a tiny apartment with a cat overlooking central park. I love the city, but I don't think I could live there now. Nowdays I dream of walking across a stage, earning my own way, finding a job I love and a man who loves me and my children. I dream of love and babies and hardwork and sleepless nights. I dream of being a wife again, having dinner every night as a family, and going to bed with my husband, falling asleep on his arm as we watch tv.

Not too much to ask. Just too much to ask for right now. I hope that my future holds all of these things, but I'm one of those people who tend to expect the worst.

Going the Distance

It's all kind of hit me today. I am exhausted. I'm not just a little tired, I'm dead dog tired. I think it's a mental as well as physical. The classes I'm doing are pretty much things I've already learned however, there is some new things that I have to learn that I'm really having to work on. My brain feels like my body does after a really hard work out. I am kind of glad that this class came when it did, it will help prepare me for the fall. Today was my breaking day though. I came home, sat on the couch and promptly fell asleep. In between the kids waking me up for one reason or another I got maybe an hour nap, something I haven't had in a while.

Say it Ain't So

The other day the Mathmatican and I were discussing the fact that my children say "ain't". I distinctly remember saying, "I don't know where they got it from, I don't say it." I'll be damned if I haven't caught myself saying "ain't" like fifty times in the past four days! I know that I didn't used to say this word, but now it's like I have to include it in every sentence. I cursed myself.

I've been reading a book about ghosts. Now you all know that I love to scare myself. I love to be scared, but only when someone is here that I feel can protect me from my imagination. I have been terrifying myself at night for the past few nights and can't sleep without watching tv for a half hour before bed. I want to go to get a book of all the haunted places in Oklahoma and visit them. I know I probably won't sleep for a month after that, but still it would be a lot of fun.

I have so much to say, but everything that I want to write is wanting to come across as sappy and heartfelt, and I don't want to blog it for the world to read it.

maybe I'll try again tommorrow.

Patience

The thoughts race behind my eyes
yearning for sleep to take you from me
longing for an end to my self made misery

Not again I say to myself
No more pain
please my heart pleads

Behind my lashes I take
your eyes, your smile, your hands
and I put them in an imaginary box

Behind my lashes I take
your voice, your smell, your taste
and I put them in my imaginary box

Savoring each one
as I put your memory away
to ease the pain


Then I hear your voice,
and out the box comes
I pull it out happily

just to drown
in it's contents
again

Ok, some sappy stuff I decided to write. I have my moments where all the goo has to just come out.

Chop Suey

Tired would not be an appropiate word to describe how I feel. Beat down dog shit dead is more accurate. I've been working my ass off, trying to get ahead and it seems like I keep moving backwards. I guess I am just frusturated. There are days when I think everything is good, that I know what is going on with my life, and then there are days when I look around and go, "Why am I here, and how the hell did I get here?" I want things, I want basic things that aren't too out of the ordinary. Maybe I should make a list like kids do.

Bib's Wish List:

To get to sleep in until noon and wake up only to go back to sleep on the couch watching tv.

To take a bath that is so full of bubbles and stick my toes out of the water, with a candle or two around the tub.

To be able to go to the bathroom without someone either opening the door, standing at the door, putting their toes, hands, and other body parts under the door.

To watch a movie, without having to get up to do anything.

To lose 15 lbs off my fat ass.

To know deep in my heart that someone loves me. Not a selfish love, but a strong, caring, feel it in your soul type of love.

To be able to eat blackberries all summer long.

To be able to show the people I love how much I love them.

To be able to play with my kids more. It seems I am so busy all I have time for is the necessary stuff and the 20 minutes of playtime before it's bedtime.

To be the best parent I can be. I feel so often that I try so hard only to fail.

To be able to ride in a hot air balloon.

To be able to close my eyes and imagine myself anywhere in the world, and when I open them I'd be there.



I think maybe I'm just tired tonight. My list could be long, so I'll stop it here. I wish for so many things, I hope for so many things, but in the back of my mind I wonder if I'll ever have any of them. I am the type of person who likes to have things spelled out to them. I like knowing and hearing something. Seeing it in black and white as well as from the horses' mouth. When I don't get that I start to worry. I worry about everything. Right now I'm worried that Dragon, (who is on the porch) will fall off of the porch and hang himself on his leash. I know.. I know... I'm retarded.

In the end I just want to be happy. I just want to know that all that I've done and have gone through hasn't been for nothing.

It's 3am I must be lonely.

Ok, I stole the title from a lyric. I woke up suddenly and just had to download a song. I'm in a funky mood. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I am tired, maybe it's because I can't sleep. I've heard that music promotes brain acivity. If this is true then my entire mind is full of billboards and representatives for critical thinking, only no brain cells are buying. I love the guitar riff of Staind's song, Right Here. It is awesome. The words of the song are touching. Staind is such a get drunk and wallow in self pity band. Where's the beer? Radiohead says that I'm a creep. I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? You are so very special. I wish I was special. Edwin McCain says tell me that we belong together. He'll be captivated, hang from my lips, and he'll be my crying shoulder. Babyface says he pretends that he's glad I went away. These four walls closing more everyday. He's dying inside and nobody knows it but me.

I think what is bothering me is the death of a good man. A good husband. A good father. The kind of guy you would give your car keys too and let him go to your car while you were inside. The kind of guy who if he forgot his wallet and promised to bring you that dollar he owed you, he could be counted on to bring that dollar back to you. The kind of guy who loved his children and wife, gave them what he didn't have as a child, yet tried to teach them humility and kindness. He was the kind of man who had smile lines, sparkling blue eyes and a handsome face. He adopted his nephew and great niece. He was raising both as his children, giving them all the love that he gave his natural born children. There was no difference made. A genuine gentleman. A rare find.

I have put off mourning his death, pushed it away in the back of my mind. I've said "wow, unbelievable" but haven't really dealt with it. I kept thinking, what if it were me, and my daddy? I put myself in his daughters place. He has three girls. How would I feel losing my dad in my early twenties. I don't' know how I would deal with not having my Dad there to see me marry, have my first child, see my family grow. I think of all the life that he will be missing, and I know that his girls will miss him so. It breaks my heart. His sons. How do they feel, not having him around. Not being able to go golfing with Dad, or have him to go to when there is a problem. I can't imagine not having my Dad to go to and ask for help or advise or just to talk. Lastly my heart aches for his wife. They were married 25 years. Can you imagine? They had just moved to Florida, and sold their house here. Can you imagine being all alone in a new state knowing that your husband is never coming home? The man who has been there every night for more than half your life is now lying cold in the ground? The father of your children, the man of your house, your protector and confidant gone forever. I can't imagine the pain and heartache the family is going through. The funeral was today, and I really wanted to go and pay my last respects, but I could not go. I could not face their family, see their sadness and leave and go back to my happy life knowing that theirs would never be the same. If I were to lose my Dad I don't know if I would want a bunch of people around. I don't know if I could be there to bury him, and I don't know if I would be worth a shit to anyone for a long time after that. I pray that he didn't suffer, and I hope that he went at a happy time in his life. As far as his family is concerned, I don't think there are going to be any happy times in the near future.

It just goes to show how quick our lives can be over. If you love someone, tell them, because you never know when this careless goodbye will be the last goodbye. I want to go and hug my Dad. I wish I could go back about 20 years, crawl up and sit in his lap, rubbing his whiskers with my hand and tell him how much I love him while he rocks me in that old brown chair. I don't ever want to forget the smell of his clothes when he came home from the oil field, or the honesty and dedication in his work. I don't ever want to forget his eyes or his laugh. I don't want to forget the way he talks to himself when he's busy or the way he will snap out a tune and dance a jig. I don't ever want to forget the way he's quick to help me, and eager to teach me. I don't want to forget his stories, all told before bedtime with me lying in the safest place in the world, the crook of my Daddies arm. I don't want to forget how he's taught me to be kind a patient and let the little things slide. I don't want to forget the way he's showed me how he loves my mom. How he's taught me that I deserve nothing less from a man. My Dad is a good man also. A dying breed. He has his flaws, as we all do, but at the end of the day he has always been one of the best people I've ever known.

This is the song that woke me out of bed. In my mind I could see Darrell walking away from his family, they were watching after him, wanting him to come back to them.

Take A Look At Me Now

How Can I just let you walk away?
Let you leave without a trace?
When I stand here taking every breath with you.
You're the only one who really knew me at all.

How can you just walk away from me,
When all I can do is watch you leave
Because we've shared the laughter and the pain and even shared the tears
You're the only one who really knew me at all.

So take a look at me now,
oh there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me,
just the memory of your face
Ooh take a look at me now,
well there's just an empty space
And you coming back to me is against all odds and that's what I've got to face

I wish I could just make you turn around,
turn around and see me cry
There's so much I need to say to you,
so many reasons why
You're the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now,
well there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me,
just the memory of your face
Now take a look at me now, cos there's just an empty space

But to wait for you,
is all I can do and that's what I've got to face
Take a good look at me now,
cos I'll still be standing here
And you coming back to me is against all odds
It's the chance I've gotta take

Take a look at me now