It's 3am I must be lonely.
Ok, I stole the title from a lyric. I woke up suddenly and just had to download a song. I'm in a funky mood. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I am tired, maybe it's because I can't sleep. I've heard that music promotes brain acivity. If this is true then my entire mind is full of billboards and representatives for critical thinking, only no brain cells are buying. I love the guitar riff of Staind's song, Right Here. It is awesome. The words of the song are touching. Staind is such a get drunk and wallow in self pity band. Where's the beer? Radiohead says that I'm a creep. I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? You are so very special. I wish I was special. Edwin McCain says tell me that we belong together. He'll be captivated, hang from my lips, and he'll be my crying shoulder. Babyface says he pretends that he's glad I went away. These four walls closing more everyday. He's dying inside and nobody knows it but me.
I think what is bothering me is the death of a good man. A good husband. A good father. The kind of guy you would give your car keys too and let him go to your car while you were inside. The kind of guy who if he forgot his wallet and promised to bring you that dollar he owed you, he could be counted on to bring that dollar back to you. The kind of guy who loved his children and wife, gave them what he didn't have as a child, yet tried to teach them humility and kindness. He was the kind of man who had smile lines, sparkling blue eyes and a handsome face. He adopted his nephew and great niece. He was raising both as his children, giving them all the love that he gave his natural born children. There was no difference made. A genuine gentleman. A rare find.
I have put off mourning his death, pushed it away in the back of my mind. I've said "wow, unbelievable" but haven't really dealt with it. I kept thinking, what if it were me, and my daddy? I put myself in his daughters place. He has three girls. How would I feel losing my dad in my early twenties. I don't' know how I would deal with not having my Dad there to see me marry, have my first child, see my family grow. I think of all the life that he will be missing, and I know that his girls will miss him so. It breaks my heart. His sons. How do they feel, not having him around. Not being able to go golfing with Dad, or have him to go to when there is a problem. I can't imagine not having my Dad to go to and ask for help or advise or just to talk. Lastly my heart aches for his wife. They were married 25 years. Can you imagine? They had just moved to Florida, and sold their house here. Can you imagine being all alone in a new state knowing that your husband is never coming home? The man who has been there every night for more than half your life is now lying cold in the ground? The father of your children, the man of your house, your protector and confidant gone forever. I can't imagine the pain and heartache the family is going through. The funeral was today, and I really wanted to go and pay my last respects, but I could not go. I could not face their family, see their sadness and leave and go back to my happy life knowing that theirs would never be the same. If I were to lose my Dad I don't know if I would want a bunch of people around. I don't know if I could be there to bury him, and I don't know if I would be worth a shit to anyone for a long time after that. I pray that he didn't suffer, and I hope that he went at a happy time in his life. As far as his family is concerned, I don't think there are going to be any happy times in the near future.
It just goes to show how quick our lives can be over. If you love someone, tell them, because you never know when this careless goodbye will be the last goodbye. I want to go and hug my Dad. I wish I could go back about 20 years, crawl up and sit in his lap, rubbing his whiskers with my hand and tell him how much I love him while he rocks me in that old brown chair. I don't ever want to forget the smell of his clothes when he came home from the oil field, or the honesty and dedication in his work. I don't ever want to forget his eyes or his laugh. I don't want to forget the way he talks to himself when he's busy or the way he will snap out a tune and dance a jig. I don't ever want to forget the way he's quick to help me, and eager to teach me. I don't want to forget his stories, all told before bedtime with me lying in the safest place in the world, the crook of my Daddies arm. I don't want to forget how he's taught me to be kind a patient and let the little things slide. I don't want to forget the way he's showed me how he loves my mom. How he's taught me that I deserve nothing less from a man. My Dad is a good man also. A dying breed. He has his flaws, as we all do, but at the end of the day he has always been one of the best people I've ever known.
This is the song that woke me out of bed. In my mind I could see Darrell walking away from his family, they were watching after him, wanting him to come back to them.
Take A Look At Me Now
How Can I just let you walk away?
Let you leave without a trace?
When I stand here taking every breath with you.
You're the only one who really knew me at all.
How can you just walk away from me,
When all I can do is watch you leave
Because we've shared the laughter and the pain and even shared the tears
You're the only one who really knew me at all.
So take a look at me now,
oh there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me,
just the memory of your face
Ooh take a look at me now,
well there's just an empty space
And you coming back to me is against all odds and that's what I've got to face
I wish I could just make you turn around,
turn around and see me cry
There's so much I need to say to you,
so many reasons why
You're the only one who really knew me at all
So take a look at me now,
well there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me,
just the memory of your face
Now take a look at me now, cos there's just an empty space
But to wait for you,
is all I can do and that's what I've got to face
Take a good look at me now,
cos I'll still be standing here
And you coming back to me is against all odds
It's the chance I've gotta take
Take a look at me now
I think what is bothering me is the death of a good man. A good husband. A good father. The kind of guy you would give your car keys too and let him go to your car while you were inside. The kind of guy who if he forgot his wallet and promised to bring you that dollar he owed you, he could be counted on to bring that dollar back to you. The kind of guy who loved his children and wife, gave them what he didn't have as a child, yet tried to teach them humility and kindness. He was the kind of man who had smile lines, sparkling blue eyes and a handsome face. He adopted his nephew and great niece. He was raising both as his children, giving them all the love that he gave his natural born children. There was no difference made. A genuine gentleman. A rare find.
I have put off mourning his death, pushed it away in the back of my mind. I've said "wow, unbelievable" but haven't really dealt with it. I kept thinking, what if it were me, and my daddy? I put myself in his daughters place. He has three girls. How would I feel losing my dad in my early twenties. I don't' know how I would deal with not having my Dad there to see me marry, have my first child, see my family grow. I think of all the life that he will be missing, and I know that his girls will miss him so. It breaks my heart. His sons. How do they feel, not having him around. Not being able to go golfing with Dad, or have him to go to when there is a problem. I can't imagine not having my Dad to go to and ask for help or advise or just to talk. Lastly my heart aches for his wife. They were married 25 years. Can you imagine? They had just moved to Florida, and sold their house here. Can you imagine being all alone in a new state knowing that your husband is never coming home? The man who has been there every night for more than half your life is now lying cold in the ground? The father of your children, the man of your house, your protector and confidant gone forever. I can't imagine the pain and heartache the family is going through. The funeral was today, and I really wanted to go and pay my last respects, but I could not go. I could not face their family, see their sadness and leave and go back to my happy life knowing that theirs would never be the same. If I were to lose my Dad I don't know if I would want a bunch of people around. I don't know if I could be there to bury him, and I don't know if I would be worth a shit to anyone for a long time after that. I pray that he didn't suffer, and I hope that he went at a happy time in his life. As far as his family is concerned, I don't think there are going to be any happy times in the near future.
It just goes to show how quick our lives can be over. If you love someone, tell them, because you never know when this careless goodbye will be the last goodbye. I want to go and hug my Dad. I wish I could go back about 20 years, crawl up and sit in his lap, rubbing his whiskers with my hand and tell him how much I love him while he rocks me in that old brown chair. I don't ever want to forget the smell of his clothes when he came home from the oil field, or the honesty and dedication in his work. I don't ever want to forget his eyes or his laugh. I don't want to forget the way he talks to himself when he's busy or the way he will snap out a tune and dance a jig. I don't ever want to forget the way he's quick to help me, and eager to teach me. I don't want to forget his stories, all told before bedtime with me lying in the safest place in the world, the crook of my Daddies arm. I don't want to forget how he's taught me to be kind a patient and let the little things slide. I don't want to forget the way he's showed me how he loves my mom. How he's taught me that I deserve nothing less from a man. My Dad is a good man also. A dying breed. He has his flaws, as we all do, but at the end of the day he has always been one of the best people I've ever known.
This is the song that woke me out of bed. In my mind I could see Darrell walking away from his family, they were watching after him, wanting him to come back to them.
Take A Look At Me Now
How Can I just let you walk away?
Let you leave without a trace?
When I stand here taking every breath with you.
You're the only one who really knew me at all.
How can you just walk away from me,
When all I can do is watch you leave
Because we've shared the laughter and the pain and even shared the tears
You're the only one who really knew me at all.
So take a look at me now,
oh there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me,
just the memory of your face
Ooh take a look at me now,
well there's just an empty space
And you coming back to me is against all odds and that's what I've got to face
I wish I could just make you turn around,
turn around and see me cry
There's so much I need to say to you,
so many reasons why
You're the only one who really knew me at all
So take a look at me now,
well there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me,
just the memory of your face
Now take a look at me now, cos there's just an empty space
But to wait for you,
is all I can do and that's what I've got to face
Take a good look at me now,
cos I'll still be standing here
And you coming back to me is against all odds
It's the chance I've gotta take
Take a look at me now
posted by bib at
3:58 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home