My heart still beats even though I'm drowing.

Tonight leaving work, the air was warm, but not too hot; the sky was still a brilliant blue, with a couple of brilliant white clouds in the sky. I fell in love with Oklahoma all over again. The green grass, the blue skies, and the warm nights. I am finally seeing it the way I saw PA. The beauty I couldn't see before, when I took it all for granted. On the drive home I rolled the windows down and cranked up Elton John's Tiny Dancer. Singing about pretty eyes and pirate smiles I was reminded of Mary. How she has this great big belly laugh, and those long pretty eyelashes.

Today I was talking with a coworker. He just graduated from ECU and is starting on his masters next week. I am very proud of him, and hope that he does well. Ultimately he wants to coach at a University. I hope he achieves his goal. Part of me gets so frusturated with myself when I think about it. I am a smart girl. I don't mean this in a stuck up I'm so great way, just in a way that I know I am a fast learner and crave knowledge. When I graduated I had scholarships waiting on me. I had every opportunity to go to school, and I wasted my time. I screwed around and didn't do the best I could. When I look back, I could be already finished if I had just buckled down and got my stuff together. I know, looking back on what could have been is a waste of time. I just wish I had done more. I had so much potential that I sank into crappy jobs. I know, I have my kids. I know I spent a lot of my time being a mother. I don't regret my children at all, and would gladly toss my scholarships to the side again for them. However there is a part of me that wishes I could have seen what might have been. I know that I will. I know that I'll get through school soon enough and I've got a ton of life experiences to keep me going when the going gets tough. I was just daydreaming about what could have been. I will be 27 next month. If I had stayed with my "plan" in highschool I would have been an English teacher for a few years now. I know things happen for a reason. I am happy with the way things are now. Maybe had I finished school at 23 I would have no life experiences and be a sad miserable person. I don't know. It doesn't matter. I will make it. I have total faith in myself. I know it will be hard and tiring at times, but I know that I can do whatever I set my mind to do.

I am going to rub my legs down and go to bed. Putting my hardwood floor down has really done a number on my knees. Sure I got a lot of jokes today at work when I complained about my knees hurting. I just laughed and told them how hard and slick my floor was, and how I liked to slide on it..... in my socks of course. My coworkers and I get along really well, for that I am thankful.