Hippy Bathday to Me!

Today I am 27. I don't feel any older than I did at 24, 25, or 26. In fact it's hard for me to remember all of my birthdays. I remember some as a kid, the orange nail polish my aunt Sherri got me for my 13th. The cakes, the hot summer parties, with all the family milling around talking and visiting. The Rocker Barbie I got for one birthday, I also got a George Michael t-shirt (yes I'm admitting this) and a molly ringwald poster. I remember my 19th birthday pretty well. I was pregnant with Brenden. He was due July 2, 1997. I was huge and swollen. I had retained so much water I felt like a water bottle. I remember not doing a whole lot that day, just sitting around being miserable. My ex husband had to work that night so there was nothing planned but for me to go down to my mom's which I did every night that he worked and he would pick me up when he got off. That afternoon my Granny called, asked how I was doing and wished me happy birthday. I remember walking outside and watering my plants while I talked to her on the phone. I looked at the sky and we talked about rain. How we needed rain and how it looked like it could storm. After the phone call with Gran my ex and I stood in our drive looking at our yard for a few minutes. I remember he was wearing his bright turquiose shirt. We then got into the bright turquoise car and he took me the block to my mom's. When getting out of the car I felt this funky *pop* as I stood up. I didn't pay much attention other than to note it and go on into the house. I walked in, talked to mom a couple of minutes and then went to go use the bathroom. I felt like I had to pee and I even felt as though I had peed myself a little. This was nothing new, because everytime the baby moved it seemed I peed my pants. Dad was in the bathroom and when he's in there "roosting" he can be there a while. Who needs a library when there is a bathroom? Anyway, back to my story. Dad was on the throne so I went down to the shop bathroom. This is not the bathroom at the Hilton. This is a dirty nasty oil field bathroom. Now, I have to give my mom credit, she did keep it as clean as possible, but it was still dirty. I went down there and used it, but when I stood up I "peed" on myself even more. I thought to myself, did my water break? Surely not. I go up to the house and tell mom what's going on. She thinks we should go to the hospital so we tell Dad and thirty minutes later he comes out of the bathroom. Dad doesn't think we should go. He doesn't want it to be a false alarm. After a few minutes of leaking fluid we decide it's time. I call Theo at Taco Bell, and ask him to tell the ex where I am going. Away to Valley View we go. At the hospital the ex meets us shortly after we arrive. I am tested by the nurse there, and sure enough it's amniotic fluid. I then have an IV started and a lovely drug called pitocin induced into my blood stream. Pitocin is used to speed labor and harden contractions. It hurts like a mean bitch to put it nicely. Hours go by and the pitocin doses keep getting larger. My labor doesn't progress at all. I have only dilated to a mere 4 cm. The doc then does an epidural, the ex and I both hated the anesthialogist. He was such an asshole. I was then numb from the waist down. I still didn't progress. After 16 hours I was taken into the operating room where I gave birth via c-section to a beautiful baby boy. He was the most wonderful present I've ever gotten for my birthday.

Tommorrow is his birthday. I have to work. I hope to have him a party this weekend. It's hard to believe that my baby boy will be 8 years old. He is such a kind and caring person. Yes, he farts and pipes up "guilty" and he baits his sister and then tattles when she goes ballistic. He also asks if she wants him to carry her up to the house when she gets a thorn scratch on her knee. He also will come up to me and give me a big hug and tell me he loves me out of no where. He will let his sister sleep in the middle so that she won't be scared. He will hold my hand while we are driving and tell me about games he likes to play. He is the sweetest boy I know, and I'm so proud he is mine. Those big blue eyes smiling at me. I love the way he laughs and the way he is so mush like me when it comes to just letting hurtful things go. I watch him play with his dog, running around with his shirt off, insisting on wearing jeans in the summer and I know that he will be a good man. I will do my best in seeing that he will make a good husband, father, and friend.

TMI- what exactly is too much?

I was told recently that "he" didn't understand how I could have a blog. So open, a direct link to my thoughts. What I put here is for anyone to read. An open road to what's going on in my life, what is happening in my heart. Honestly, I don't understand it either. There are times when I just want to close this damn thing and not bother with having a blog. The funny thing is, it's a release. An outlet for a few of the things that I can remember at the end of the day. I have so much going on, so honestly other activities aren't really possible at this time. I was reading other blogs this morning and I know that I'm not as open as some, not as political as others, not as hateful, or as loving. I'm kind of just here stuck in the middle. My blog isn't for any of you to keep track of me, it's mainly for me. I know I forget lots of things. The way a smile made me feel. The bat of an eyelash. Even the way the water felt when a single drop ran down my chest, into my bra and under my breast. I don't want to forget some things. I guess this is my way of preserving memories. I know that I'm not a very exciting person, but I am pretty happy with who I am. I don't think I need to be exciting. I just want to be good. A good person that my kids will be proud of.

I don't know if anyone else goes through this, but there are times when my brain yearns for knowledge. There are times when I feel like my brain gets foggy and slow. I long to learn more. I want to sharpen my mind and learn as many things as possible. I'm not just talking about book work, although lord knows I still need plenty of that, but skills as well. There are so many things that we can learn to do if we only take the time. I used to say that when I was an old lady I wanted to be able to look back on how full my life was. I still agree with that. Speaking of being an old lady, my and Bren's birthday's are coming up. I am trying to come up with a really cool birthday cake idea for him. I want it to be fun and special, just like he is.

Days Go By

It seems like this summer is just flying by. The kids are having such a fun time. This afternoon I was sitting on the back porch resting a minute before going up to my house and Mary and Bren were out in the back yard. Mary was watering flowers and stopped to get a drink. She got her sundress completely wet in the front. I looked at her and she shrugs her shoulders and says, "it's ok, it's too hot." A couple of minutes later Bren was in control of the hose and the wather was flying. He mananged to spray Mary a few times inducing high pitched squeals from my daughter. Bren then laid the hose down to talk to PePa. Mary picks it up and douses Bren and anyone else who was in a three feet radius. Bren laughed and ran and then declared he had a water hose of his own, he was going to pee on his sister. I quickly advised him not to and told him that he could NOT under ANY circumstances ever pee on anyone.

Last night when I got home we worked at my house for a while and then had a weenie roast. It was a lot of fun. Shanna and Cody made the fire and fixed up everything so it was ready to go when we got finished. It was a lot of fun roasting the weenies and marshmallows over the fire. The moon was coming up and it was just a beautiful night. It made me want to go camping so much.

I am hoping that I will be in my house by next week. All the utilities are finished and I'm just waiting on the rest of my hardwood flooring to be completed. There is still a lot of work to do before it will be how I want it, but I will be grateful to be able to move in. I am excited.

Words aren't always easy to say. Actions often say more than words could ever dream. I believe that while words can be beautiful and poetic, actions are often foolproof and heartfelt. I don't know why I rely so much on words, when I am sure my actions say much more than words can.

I am not sure where I get these tiny bits of wisdom. I am sure they are probably just biproducts of insomnia. I need some good sleep. I am afraid it will be a little while before I am able to have any quality sleep though.

This weekend was by far the best one I've had in a long time. I will try not to be a gushy girl, well, maybe I will be a gushy girl. It's my blog, I can be gushy if I see fit. I may even change my text to pink. I haven't talked much about my personal life on here lately, but I must say my guy made me a very happy girl this weekend. I could go on and on about how sweet and handsome he is, but that's really none of any of anyone's business. I had an early birthday. It was nice. I had a great meal with grilled lobster tail. It was wonderful. A very tasty treat.

I have to say though, that my heart is running away with itself and the more cautious side of me sneaks out. I keep telling myself to stop, listen and look, but when I do everything says "it's ok". I keep wondering when the black rain cloud that's followed me around for so long will show back up and begin to rain on me again. I feel like that maybe I have lost that dark sucker for good, but I'm too pessimestic to actually say that out loud.

I am waiting on my babes, they have been to their mema's and I'm dying to see them. I hope they hurry up! It is good for them to get away and see their other family members but I sure do miss them when they are gone. I just feel better having them with me, knowing that they are ok. Seeing those big blue eyes and pretty smiles. I can't wait until they come barging through the door with shouts of who did what over the weekend.

I feel like the song " Beautiful Mess" by Diamond Rio

Going out of my mind these days
Like I'm walkin' round in a haze
I can't think straight,
I can't concentrate
And I need a shave

I go to work and I look tired
The boss man says "Son, you're gonna get fired"
This ain't your style,
and from behind my coffee cup
I just smile

what a beautiful mess I'm in
spending all my time with you
there's nothing else I'd rather do
what a sweet addicition that I'm caught up in
I can't get enough
can't stop the hunger for your love.

Anyway, I feel like this song. I do the dorkiest shit nowdays. Wait... I have always done the dorkiest shit, it's just more obvious now. I'm going to go take a shower and hope that my kids are home by the time I get out.

Water, cool cool water

Finally this evening I was blessed with running water. No leaks. Finally. Now, tommorrow I get to call and get a meter set so I can start gettng another bill. What fun. I am happy and frusturated though. I am so ready to have my own place. I am grateful to my parents for everything they have done, but I am so freaking tired of waiting. I want my own place so bad I can taste it. Now all that needs to be done is running the gas line and finishing the hardwood floors. My dad is talking about twenty other projects and I'm just begging him to PLEASE get it where I can move in. I can do the other projects when I'm moved in. I miss having my space. Having my things. Having my own kitchen. I MISS that. I miss having my mixer and bowls and pans, and knowing what's in my cupboard, and where it's going to be, and how much I have. I haven't had my own place in a long time and I'm just ready to be out of here. I could never be one of those grown adults who live with their parents. I would go crazy. I am going crazy. I am going to try and get some sleep. Good luck to me on that. I've got about ten different things going on in my head, the "what should I do blues" will be in full force tonight.

Here Without You

The smell of my spaghetti sauce flows through the house, I'm writing this while waiting for my noodles to get tender. I love spaghetti. I remember being a child, eating the yummy stuff until I was so full I was miserable. I love the cheese, all melty on the top, with garlic toast. I'm making myself hungry. While I'm partial to homemade sauce, I'm not really picky. I can make some good spaghetti sauce though. The only thing that gets me are my kids. Brenden hates sauce, and only wants the noodles. Mary doesn't like spaghetti sauce at all, yet these two kids LOVE spaghettio's. How is that possible? How did this happen? I am making a decent meal and all these two want are a nasty canned pasta. Go figure.

Today we were teaching Dragon how to fetch. He is doing great. He is such a great puppy. I have procrastinated to the point where I have a ton of stuff to do.

I would love one day where I didn't have to do anything. Unfortunately, today isn't it.

Let the Good Times Roll

Vacation had officially started. Here are a few of my pics so far. I played the lottery tonight, so the gambling has begun. I'll keep yall posted. I am happy to be on vacation, happy to be getting away, I only wish I had brought my human calculator with me. What will I do if I need to convert Celsius to Fahrenheit? Or better yet... calculate my odds of winning?

Mary, Jo and Cody ready to hit the road



The Coolest girls I know


Mom and Bib having a good time so far! 


This was the ceiling of our restaurant. Pretty cool at the time. 

My heart still beats even though I'm drowing.

Tonight leaving work, the air was warm, but not too hot; the sky was still a brilliant blue, with a couple of brilliant white clouds in the sky. I fell in love with Oklahoma all over again. The green grass, the blue skies, and the warm nights. I am finally seeing it the way I saw PA. The beauty I couldn't see before, when I took it all for granted. On the drive home I rolled the windows down and cranked up Elton John's Tiny Dancer. Singing about pretty eyes and pirate smiles I was reminded of Mary. How she has this great big belly laugh, and those long pretty eyelashes.

Today I was talking with a coworker. He just graduated from ECU and is starting on his masters next week. I am very proud of him, and hope that he does well. Ultimately he wants to coach at a University. I hope he achieves his goal. Part of me gets so frusturated with myself when I think about it. I am a smart girl. I don't mean this in a stuck up I'm so great way, just in a way that I know I am a fast learner and crave knowledge. When I graduated I had scholarships waiting on me. I had every opportunity to go to school, and I wasted my time. I screwed around and didn't do the best I could. When I look back, I could be already finished if I had just buckled down and got my stuff together. I know, looking back on what could have been is a waste of time. I just wish I had done more. I had so much potential that I sank into crappy jobs. I know, I have my kids. I know I spent a lot of my time being a mother. I don't regret my children at all, and would gladly toss my scholarships to the side again for them. However there is a part of me that wishes I could have seen what might have been. I know that I will. I know that I'll get through school soon enough and I've got a ton of life experiences to keep me going when the going gets tough. I was just daydreaming about what could have been. I will be 27 next month. If I had stayed with my "plan" in highschool I would have been an English teacher for a few years now. I know things happen for a reason. I am happy with the way things are now. Maybe had I finished school at 23 I would have no life experiences and be a sad miserable person. I don't know. It doesn't matter. I will make it. I have total faith in myself. I know it will be hard and tiring at times, but I know that I can do whatever I set my mind to do.

I am going to rub my legs down and go to bed. Putting my hardwood floor down has really done a number on my knees. Sure I got a lot of jokes today at work when I complained about my knees hurting. I just laughed and told them how hard and slick my floor was, and how I liked to slide on it..... in my socks of course. My coworkers and I get along really well, for that I am thankful.

I can't think straight, can I borrow your brain?

I have tried twice to write a new post, but I just can't think clearly. I start to write about something new, and I get half way through a post and stop. There is so much that I want to put out there, so much that I can write about, but I can't get my brain and fingers to cooperate with me. I feel like my brain has turned to green jello.

I have finally gotten started on putting my hardwood floor down. Hopefully sometime in the next century I will be able to move into my house. My cabinets look pretty good also. I am proud of all of the hard work that we have done. Part of me wants to plant a flower garden now, but I know realistically that I need to wait. I can't wait to set up my swimming pool and lie on my floatee in the middle of the night, with the stars bright above me. I want to grill out on the back porch light a couple of misquito repelling candles and have a drink as the sun sets. I will have these things. I know I will, it just takes time. It is worth it. It's been a lot of hard work, but I know it will be worth it.

I am going to try and get some sleep. I've got work tommorrow.

I've thought about closing my blog. Not writing anymore. It seems that I've not been writing much anymore. I'm afraid I'm not very entertaining to anyone. Well, not that I ever was entertaining.