Kicking and Squeaking

A couple of days ago I noticed a couple of mouse pellets underneath my kitchen sink. I bought some glue traps. I started to get the old traps, but decided that with my grace and mouse trap skills that I would probably snap my finger. I get the glue traps and put them in various places in my kitchen. Tonight I was just about to go to bed when I decided that a yummy bowl of rice chex was just what my blood sugar needed. I go to the kitchen and think "my glue traps! Let's check them!" I check the first three and no mousie. The last one, under the sink was the jackpot. There is this mouse sitting on this glue trap at the back of the cabinet. Oh shit I think, now what am I going to do with it? I pull the packet of sponges that got stuck to the trap closer to the opening of the cabinet. The mouse tries to leap from the glue.... I leap about three feet in the air in my kitchen screaming like a girl. EEE.. EEE!!! EEEEEE!!!! I get ahold of myself and look at the mouse, it is firmly stuck. Now here is the delima.. what do I do with it? I am scared (chicken) to pick it up while it is still in the throes of trying to get free. I have a fear that picking it up will help dislodge it's furry body from the glue and I will find it's little germy teeth sunk into my flesh. Mice are dirty, nasty filthy evil little creatures. How does one rid themselves of a dirty, nasty, filthy evil, helpless, squirming creature that is likey to bite the shit out of me if it happens to flop towards my hand while i am carrying it outside. I have visions of Fat Pants (the cat) walking around tommorrow with a glue trap stuck to his mouth if I take the mousie outside tonight. I will leave the furry brown creature alone to die under my kitchen sink and will take it to the dumpster tommorrow. I only hope it doesn't scream/squeak loud enough where I will hear it while trying to go to sleep.

Don'tcha?

The more I do the pharmacology stuff the more I realize I kick ass. I don't mean that in an "oohh look at me" way either. It is just something I excel in. I am very thankful for this. I had feared this last stretch of nursing school more than anything. I am still scared of the NCLEX and I am sure I will be a nervous wreck before I take it. I am sure that everyone I care about will be sick and tired of me freaking out about the test.

Things are going well all in all. I had a classmate tell me that my ass looked good.... I didn't know what to say. It was a girl. I turned and looked at her what I am sure had to be a weird ass look on my face and she quickly said, "It looks smaller, like you've been working out." I immediately think of Dumb and Dumber and want to laugh. I just said thanks, I think. It was a very strange conversation. I don't know any (straight) chicks that go around telling other girls their asses look good.

I think my memory is getting better, maybe it's all the freaking math that we've been doing. I feel like there are less cobwebs in my grey matter. Of course this doesn't change the fact that I am still going to miss every "who's this" question that Phillip asks me. I never get it right. It's always the Rolling Stones, or Led Zep or Skynard, or Ugly Kid Joe. If I do get it right he will come back with "what's the name of the song? and "what album?" Maybe one day I will be able to rattle them off without thinking about it. Yeah, probably not.

I am so tired. I feel old and inadequate. I feel like I have nothing to offer anyone at this point in my life. I can't sleep and I need sleep. I need a hug, or better yet, a massage.

A life you can hang your hat on

I peered into the old carport. It was very deep and narrow on one side, just wide enough to fit a car into, but about two car lengths long. The entire area was covered with dust and just looked old. I walked into an area off to the side where a maze of animal pens were. The entire buliding felt as if it could fall in with every gust of wind that tore through the countryside. I found myself cornered into a small area that looked to be a long gone chicken coop. The little nests had no hay and there was no evidence of chickens recently inhabiting them. I made my way back out and then off to the barn. I stood at the entrace of the barn, it was even worse than the carport. The log structure, yes, I said log... was covered with tin. This old time pressed tin that has decorations pressed into it. The tin was nailed onto the structure in a haphazard way that I am sure was intended to provide the most coverage. inside one area an old sign with the letters URE leaned against the wall. I am not sure what it said, but only that it was old. There was an old wooden bed frame, and an old suit case. Back near the house there were jars and jars of hominy, beets, okra, and other unknown canned goods sitting in crates. I picked one up and inspected the hominy. That's lye in there... ewww... The flower beds that are full every spring with flowers sit empty. There will be no flowers this spring. The gate is there, but the fence is gone, so is much of the house. This is my Dad's grandparents house. The house he came to as a kid, ran through the pasture, and rode a mule. It was built in 1905, I've heard, and until the past few months it was lived in. The roof was falling in and I don't see how they went year after year without the pipes freezing. My great uncle Wilburn lived here until a few months ago. Now the house is being torn down. It wasn't worth saving. In a few weeks it will be gone, leaving only the shallow hole that my dad will level in with his tractor. An end of an era. One day long ago I am sure my great-granny Bertha stood in that kitchen with her family laughing around her. She cooked there, she put her dishes away there, she probably tended to scraped knees and once upon a time, before they were family, she entertained my mothers grand-mother and my mom there. It was her home, and now it's gone. It makes me think of my own parents home, how one day it too will be delipated and someone will come along and tear it down, board by board, stripping memory by memory along with the sheetrock and nails. It makes me sad to think that one day my own parents house will meet the same fate as my great-grandparents, and that eventually all of us will be gone. All of these times we have now will be nothing but memories and that there will be none of us left to remember. I stood in the doorway of the log barn, looking at my ancestors life. They were farmers. This land was all they had. The land, the house, and this barn. There were no stocks or bonds or money in the bank. Only a bunch of canned hominy, a log barn, and flowerbeds. They lived a life that I can be proud of. Good people earning an honest living... and I want to remember that.

I love you like Strawberry Cheesecake

Life is good. I am happy. School is crazy. Work is crazy. Kids are crazy. I am crazy. There is not much new around here. We had a good weekend. I am not ready to go back to school. I want another three or four days off. I now want to get DDR and play it, thanks to Jay. I think I can act a fool long enough to do some cool moves. I have also been in a movie watching mood. I very rarely get to watch TV but tonight the kiddos and I watched Harry Potter. It was great, all three of us laying there on the couch eating popcorn and oreos watching TV. I fell asleep. They woke me up when it got to the "scary" part. I had to be awake for that. We played madden and just had a good time. I helped my mom and dad today. It was good to get out and do some good old work that didn't involve blood, feces or urine. I am ready for the warm weather. I want to take a drive to all the ghost towns in Oklahoma, I want to go to Georgia in the spring and I want to take a trip back to Vegas with a bunch of girls. I want to go to the library at ou in the spring and take a picture of the gardens from the windows.

Too much that Time can not erase

I'm so tired of being here. Suppressed by all my childish fears. If you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave, because your presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone. These wounds won't seem to heal. This pain is just too real. There's just too much that time can not erase.

But though you are still with me, I've been alone all alone.


I see you in my dreams. You are beautiful. Auburn hair, long, curling on the ends. In my dreams you are doing different things. Running, talking, laughing, playing, growing more and more each time we meet. You always know me, and try to come over to speak to me, but never get to me. Sometimes it's a field that you are running through but never seem to cover any ground. Others it's a crowded mall where you are continually consumed by a crowd of people. It's always a struggle that ends in defeat. The crowd thins and you are gone. The field becomes short grass and you are gone. It's a very disturbing dream that always leaves me awake and unable to sleep. I wish somewhere in the dream I would have calm reassurance but there is none. Only the frusturation of trying to move upstream against a current too strong.
Maybe one day I can move up stream, cross that field, or crowded mall and find you there. Maybe one day I will have that resolution, until then..... I will dream.

The words have been drained from this pencil
Sweet words that I want to give you
I can't sleep, I need to tell you, Goodnight.
When we are together I feel purpose
When I'm called away from you I fall apart.
All you say is sacred to me
Your eyes are so blue I can't look away


Wanna put my tender
heart in a blender

Ready to Run

Today my son had his dentist appointment. The first of four. He had a filling and a crown done today. He was such a big boy. He got all giggly under the gas and really didn't complain too much. He was hurting a little tonight, but with a few pain relievers he is doing fine. After his dentist trip I took both kids to Taco Bell to redeem their certificates of Bravery given to them by the dentist. While waiting at the counter to get our food I watched the young girl who took my money go over to the line where they prepare the food and stand there preparing to put cheese on my kids tacos. I was going to tell her if she so much as touched my food without washing her hands that it was going to be remade. Before I could tell her the guy steaming (putting the meat on the tacos) pulled a pan from the back on the line and dropped it into place on the line. The hot water splashed and sprinkled on the girls arm. She let out a big "Muthafucka just didn't splash my fuckin' arm with some hotass water." I just stood there, I could take that... it probably hurt. Rude? Yes. Unforgivable? No. A manager who had been sitting in the lobby at the time shouts... I can hear you, so can customers... and their kids. This is when my jaw drops and I about tore into the girl. She says "I don't give a fuck, it hurt. I cuss in front of my kids anyway, they ain't no better, fuck that." I wanted to tell her what she says around her kids and what she says around mine better be two different things. She is at work, first of all. Second, she needs to be a little more considerate. She may want her kids around bull like that, but not everyone does. I am not the most clean mouthed person, even around my kids, but I don't cuss like a sailor either. I bit my tongue, got my food, which the potty mouth did not touch, and took it to my kiddos. The lobby looked horrible and the food was shitty. Go figure.

I have been having weird dreams lately. I dreamed the other night that the moon had holes in it and that the clouds were spinning in the sky, not forming funnels, just spinning. I also dreamed of huge cataba worms that went around eating everything. I would squash them, mushing up their gooey hamburger meat insides only to find dozens more around my feet. I also dreamed about patients, taking care of old people, trying to help them live only to lose them. Weird. Sucky. Not cool.

I don't know where to go with this from here. I have put of writing for a long time simply because I don't know how to say what I want to say. Maybe if I were a rapper I could rap it all out. Yeah word, keep keep it real. I am not a rapper though.