Idiot proof

Monday, May 30, 2005

Blue eyes crying

It's been a good day. I've been reading Brooke Shields book about her experience with post partum depression. It affects so many women, and people don't even realize it. I had PPD after I had Brenden. I am not exactly sure what triggered it. Maybe having a baby so suddenly, or being thrust into marriage and then motherhood. It was horrible though. Thoughts that I would have never had the courage to voice went through my mind. I am glad that it is all over and done with. I was a lot better with Mary, and I hope that when I have another child it will be even easier than the last two.

To be honest with all of you, I don't have anything that I wish to voice outloud right now. I could go on and on about certain things, but sometimes it's better to keep the good things quiet.

Thursday, May 26, 2005

I can't find any concrete shoes, and my heart has floated away

I got my acceptance letter today. It's official. I'm accepted and expected in the fall class. I am just ecstatic about this news. I had been hoping and although confident I didn't want to get my hopes up to high.

Brenden made me so proud today. I took them out for lunch and he actually ran in front of me to open the door for me. He filled our drink and told our server thank you several times. He was such a little gentleman and so grown up that I was just filled with pride for my little man. He is such a good boy. He really tries hard and makes me so proud. We were talking today and it's hard to believe that my boy is getting so big. While we were sitting at our table discussing the assination of President Lincoln it hit me. My son is growing up. Although this immediately brought back a conversation that I had yesterday over dinner, I pushed THAT out of my mind and focused more on my boys bright smile, and easy going attitude.

How many of you remember the smell of summer? The smell that kids have? The mixture of sweat, dirt, candy, Koolaid, and hours and hours of sun. My daughter is sitting next to me and she smells like summer. She needs a bath.

I have also found that the best art I've ever seen is in the Smithsonian. I went to the Art Museum at OU yesterday and we discovered that neither of us really liked all the abstract, artsy fartsy stuff. I am more into art with detail involved. Detail and skill. Don't throw dots onto a canvas and call it art. That's not art. Painting a countryside scenery down to the very last detail is art. Although I think the jury is still out of what exactly that small oblong piece of wood actually was in that painting. ;)


I've been told many many MANY times that just as I start getting close to someone I put up a wall and block them out. Just when someone is starting to know me well, starting to know how I feel, I tend to shut them out. I know I do this to a point. I know it's a defense mechanicism. I don't want rejection, and to be hurt, so I just put up a wall to protect myself. I caught myself doing that this morning. At the time I couldn't say what was on my mind. I just put it off and said nothing. While I am still terrified of what repercussions my words and thoughts might have I have decided that I will not put up my wall. I will just say what I have to say, and if I'm hurt, then, well, it won't be the first time. I just hope I don't lose my nerve. Hopefully I'm finished with masonry. Hopefully I'm finished with the wall business for good.

I bought some steaks and I think I'm going to go fire up the grill. Steaks, salad, and potatoes. Sound good?

Saturday, May 21, 2005

I need a pair of concrete shoes for my helium heart

Har Hors was good. I won't go into details for the sake of any of you who have not seen the movie. I don't know if I want to take Bren to see it or not. I haven't decided yet. I had a really good time seeing it though. Speaking of Bren and Mary I took a couple of pictures of us today, I'll probably post them here, but what's so funny is Mary was furious I was going to iron her dress before letting her wear it. How dare I not want her to walk around in wrinkles! So she was standing in the doorway with this awful mean/sad look on her face and I took a picture of her. She was SO mad. She ran and threw herself on the bed. I had to explain to her that it wasn't going to be the end of the world. I had her get up and got her dress ready and then took a picture of us together.

My mother can succeed in embarrassing the everloving daylights out of me. What mother can't, right? My mom is like a fierce little stick of dynomite. She loves with all her heart and has a quick temper to go with it. She defends her family and is also the very first one to say something when she dissagrees with you. I love her very much, and appreciate the fact that she does love her family the way she does. However, when she's chewing your ass on the phone I just want to drag out a big school bus picture that says, Brigette- Kindergarten and paste it to my shirt. I wonder if Brenden feels the same way? I have to admit, I love with all my heart, but don't really get into the ass chewing. What does it do other than cause tension and grief? It rarely changes anything.


Brenden and Mom Posted by Hello


Mary and Mom.  Posted by Hello

Friday, May 20, 2005

Seeing Things Differently

It's been a while since I last posted. Things have been fairly busy around here, but honestly, when am I not busy? This past week I got my new soft contacts. I have worn hard and gas permeable contacts for the past 20 years. I am used to the hard contacts and have been having an awful time getting used to these soft ones. Not only to they cover up a lot more of my eye than I'm used to, the idea of pinching my eyeball to get a contact out is not something I've comepletely gotten used to. The hard contacts also offer a sharper vision than the soft ones do. The lack of sharpness makes me feel like these soft contacts need a good cleaning all the time. I am doing better though, and maybe I can wear these soft little discs all day long today without going insane.

I had my nursing interview last week. It went well. I believe that I'm more than likely going to be in the next class. I'm knocking on wood right now after saying that. Fate has a weird way of knocking me on my ass if I get too confident. Nothing like being knocked flat on your face to bring you down a notch or two. Anyway, I think it went well.

I have some weird Sex Search virus on my computer. No, I haven't been searching for sex, but at the most inopportune moments I will have this web page featuring seminaked women pop up out of the blue. This is not good when you are say... looking at cartoonnetwork.com with your kids.

I am going to go see Har Hors today. That is Star Wars for yall. When Brenden was a little kid he loved Star Wars and used to call it Har Hors. I am excited about seeing it. I'm not going to go all geeky on you and give a full out movie review, but I can't wait to see it.

This is about everything that's been going on. Mary is asleep beside me. I can't seem to get more than four hours of sleep lately, no matter if I have to be up or not, I can't seem to move past the four hour mark. The birds are fighting outside my window and it looks like it's going to be beautiful out there today.

Friday, May 13, 2005

dreaming of sleep, sleeping to dream

I love this song.. I want this song to be a reality to me. I want a man who tells me these things and I want to belive what he says without doubt in my mind. It's such a beautiful song and right now I've listened to it about fifty times. It has put me in such a sweet romantic mood I had better go to bed before I have butterflies and roses flowing out of my fingers and onto my blog. My blog isn't for butterflies and roses, I'll save those for my dreams. Night Yall.


Making Memories of Us: By Keith Urban


I'm going to be here for you baby
I'll be a man of my word
Speak the language in a voice that you have never heard.

I want to sleep with you forever
And I want to die in your arms
In a cabin in a meadow where the wild bees swarm

I'm going to love you
Like nobody loves you
I'll earn your trust making memories of us

I want to honor your mother
I want to learn from your pa
I want to steal your attention like a bad outlaw

I want to stand out in a crowd for you
A man among men
I want to make your world better than it's ever been.

I going to love you
Like nobody loves you
I'll earn your trust making memories of us

We'll follow the rainbow
Wherever the four winds blow
There will be a new day come your way

I'm going to be here for you from now on
This you know somehow
You've been stretched to the limits but it's all right now
I'm going to make you a promise
If there's life after this,
I'm going to be there to meet you with a warm wet kiss.

I'm going to love you
Like nobody loves you.
I'll win your trust making memories of us.

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Chronicles of Riddickulous


My momma and me! Posted by Hello


I'm grateful work is over for a couple of days. I am tired. Tonight after work Dad had me help him stack wood against the barn. The kids helped us too. We got that done and cleaned out my mom's dog pens. She raises poodles for anyone wondering. Then, we come into the house to make dinner. My daughter immediatly starts asking about her "goop". I have no idea what this goop is. I ask her and she is blubbering something about a pink plastic baggie from Mrs. Scott. I look, she looks, Brenden looks, but we cannot find the pink baggie. Finally my Dad comes in and Mary corners him talking a mile a minute when each word getting higher and higher pitched. Dad said he doesn't remember where he saw it last, that it may have gotten thrown away. Sooo, to make a long story short I end up going out to the garbage cans and digging through the trash searching for this mysterious pink baggie. I am praying the entire time that I don't put my hands on something gross, and that I'll find this bag in the first trashbag I pilfer through. Luckily, I find it. Mary shouts with happiness, and wants it right then. I take it in the house and wash the bag off wondering what in the world this stuff is. Mary instructs me to put it in a bowl, so I open the baggie and caustiously start trying to pour the pink goop into a bowl. I quickly realize that it's cornstarch, a little bit of water, and pink food coloring. If I had only known I wouldn't have dug in the trash! Mary played with her goop maybe 10 minutes before it was old news. It's now sitting safely in it's plastic baggie awaiting it's next play time. I can't say a word though, because I remember being just about Mary's age and my granny mixing cornstarch and water for me and Brandy to play with. We were facinated on how it was hard, yet when you stirred it, it became liquid. I just smile and watch my girl as she mushes her fingers in the pink goo, remembering when I did the same thing standing at my grannies kitchen cabinet.

Ok, this has gotten me thinking about old stuff. I may repeat somethings that have already been said on this blog, but I'm getting old, so I can do that. I forget easily. When I was a little girl my Gran would take an raw egg and decorate it by putting a face on it. Kind of like Humpty Dumpty. Then, she would make a tiny hole in the shell at the top and the bottom of the egg. She did this for each of us kids. Then we would lean over the sink and blow the contents of the egg out, leaving only the empty shell. We would then glue paper arms and legs on our egg people and would have a fun time playing with our delicate treasures.

Another time Brandy and I were playing house in the back yard. Granny had this long bench out in her backyard under two giant old oak trees. We were equipped with all of our kitchen supplies, measuring cups, we had gotten some eggs from the hen house, snagged some oats from granny's kitchen, and had our fair share of sticks, mud, grass, persimmions, you know, all your basic kitchen essentials. :) We had been baking mud pies for a long time when it got around to our "boyfriends" coming to dinner. We then started to argue about who got Michael for their boyfriend. Michael Jackson. We loved him, had a huge crush on him, and were both going to be his girlfriends one day. Big laugh now, huh? The fight ensued until we decided that the only way to compromise was that one of us would pretend to be Michael, but who? How, we weren't black... he was black back then.. but wait, ahhh HA! The idea hit our brains like lightening. Our mud pies became our skin. We ran around butt naked covered in egg and mud, being Michael Jackson.


I think that's all I'll post for tonight. I've been reading some old posts, kind of following my journey from the wreck that came to Francis, to the who I am now. I think I've come far. I'm sorry for the hurt I've caused along the way, as it was never my intention, only my ignorance.

Monday, May 09, 2005


Mary, Mary, why ya buggin'? Posted by Hello


The cutest boy ever! Posted by Hello

Sunday, May 08, 2005

You say Delta, I say triangle, it's all Greek to me.

I never belonged to anything in college except for the "new freshmans club" which consisted of me, walking around with my head up my ass. J belonged to Kappa Kappa Psi, a band fraternity. I have never really wanted to belong to a sorority, I often felt that the young girls in a sorority were often plastic. Meaning that if you ripped them out of their designer jeans, cutesy shoes and scrubbed off all that makeup you wouldn't recognize who was underneath. I've never been into being one of "those girls". My sister belongs to "the smart nerds club" Honors Student Association I believe it's called. It's for everyone who has kept an average above 3.6. If the B letter is mentioned around my sister she freaks. I won't say anything because I know I will be exactly the same way. Only I'll be the mom with cheerios stuck to her paper and running into class late because I accidently switched backpacks with Mary and didn't realize until I had gotten halfway to class. I am proud of my sister. Proud of her drive and dedication to stay true to her goals. The other day I went in to pick up the kids at extended day and I just watched my sister with those children. She was doing so well, so in her element. I was so proud of her, then I was roped into the room where I ended up playing mad chaos, fruit basket turnover, and my ship goes sailing with all of them. I think a lot of the kids thought that Brenden and Mary had the coolest family. Not only was their aunt super cool, but their mom too! That makes me want to laugh, because I tend to be a big kid myself. It keeps me young. I love to bounce out on the trampoline, or race bubba on the bike, or take them to the park and play. I worry a lot about being the best mom I can be for my kids. I know that they are fragile and that they are the biggest blessing I have ever received. Trying to find that balance between being the "bad guy" and being the mom is difficult at times. My children make me proud, I hope that I can make them proud too. Today is Mother's Day. I hope my mother realizes how grateful I am to have her. She has done a lot for me in the years and I think we have finally found a neutral ground that we can both stand on and respect each other. She is the friend to me that will always be there. She is the lady who nagged my ass until I wanted to scream, and the woman I assured myself I would NEVER be like, yet I am in so many ways. I am thankful she is in my life. So everyone, give your moms a hug.

There is a beautiful morning in my window. I think I will go put on some coffee for my parents, and hopefully if I'm lucky there will still be some Irish Cream in there to toss in mine. That's pretty much the only way I can drink coffee, is if it's really cold outside or it's got sugar and cream. Oh, and hot chocolate in coffee is excellent. This is a little trick I showed Jay. Take a packet of hot chocolate mix and stir it in with coffee. Yum. This makes me think of the mad TV skit with Lorraine at Starbucks. Hilarious.

Friday, May 06, 2005

Lord, help me endure my blessings.

My daughter is possessed. All week long my pretty, sweet, docile little girl has been traded in for a wild, rowdy, bossy, demanding, whining little houseape. We are talking jumping off of the couch, back talking, whining with every word she says, and fighting with her brother. I am at my wits end. She says she doesn't want to eat anymore because she's "fat". She said her father told her she was fat so she wanted me to tell the school that she wouldn't have to eat anymore. Needless to say it's been a chore all week just getting her to eat. Just now she came in here with one of those little ice breaker balls. "mama what's this?" she asks. "It's a breath mint, Mary." "Can I eat it?" She then proceeds to hold the little ball up to her eye and bust it. Red hot liquid squirts into her eye and the screaming ensues. Half an hour later she's resting beside me, patting my back, talking away. Can I just have Mary back? Who is this nervous, uptight, hyper child that came home to me?

Other than that, it's been a pretty uneventful week.