One of these days I'm going to break these chains

Brenden and I are sitting at the kitchen table. "Spell about" I tell him. "A-B-O-U-T" he chants and gives me a big grin. I praise him and we go on to the remainder of his spelling words. My boy has no idea how much I love him. How I want the best for him, how I want to give him all the good things in life. He only knows I make him wear a patch, write his spelling words, make him clean his room, and check his math. "Tommorrow is picture day mom." He says. "Are you going to buy pictures for us?" I told him I didn't know. I do know. I will not. Pictures are so expensive. I haven't been able to buy them for the past two school years. Little things like this make me so angry. I know, it's just school pictures. It's just the weekly reader. It's just a certain kind of bath shampoo. It's just soccer or karate lessons. Nothing big. Nothing they can't do without. I know this. I know they aren't going to die without these things. What pisses me off is that I can't GIVE them these things. I can't buy them the little things. I can't just say ok, pick out whatever smelly good shampoo you want, or girlie earrings. This pisses me off. I don't mind going without myself, I just hate it for my kids. This is what I use everyday that I don't want to get up. It is also what I use every night I have to work. It is what I use when I think I want to scream from the exhaustion of it all. This is my fuel. My desire. I desire to be able to give my kids the little things. I desire to be able to get up and put on a white uniform and go to work knowing that I earned it. Every day I spend in class and every night I read until my eyes are tired and spasming is one day closer to taking my final test. I will be able to give my kids the little things. I will be able to buy them a car when they are 16 and I will be able to send them to college. I will be able to help them when they need me. This is why I keep going everyday. I don't want to NEED anyone to help me. I fucking hate needing help from anyone else. I refuse to stay in a position where I have to ask anyone for help. I will get off my soapbox for now. I had planned on writing something much lighter, but this is what came out. I don't want to seem down, because I am not down, just determined. I have a goal to reach and I plan on reaching it.