Idiot proof

Too mean to live lately

2006-11-17T20:07:00.000-06:00

Today a professor asked us to list five things we would rather be doing than sitting in his class. He is a smart ass and I have struggled all year with his class.

My list of things I would rather be doing than sitting in your class:

1. Having a root canal done without the use of anesthesia
2. Having an intricate tattoo placed on my labia.
3. Giving a STD seminar to a group of senior citizens that are hard of hearing.
4. cleaning my house
5. sleeping

Oddly enough I think this guy is just enough of an ass to truly appreciate my list.

Half-mad

2006-09-12T15:00:00.000-05:00

It was late, very late when the dog jumped on my head. I pushed him away with a mumbled "no Jackson" and went back to sleep. A few minutes later I felt something warm at my foot. In my sleep state I push my foot down into this warmness trying to figure out what it is. I figured it out really quick. My eyes flew open and I jumped out of bed as I realised that the warmth at the end of my bed was dog pee. Wait.. before you go into the whole, "he tried to wake you up" this dog can jump up and down from my bed with no problem. I would have much sooner forgiven a floor accident than a bed accident! So I take the dog out. It's two in the morning. I took him out at 11:30 so he's only had a few hours to fill his bladder. I know he hasn't drank anything because I put the water bowl up so he couldn't. Did I mention the dog is picky? He has to have the PERFECT spot to poop in the yard. Oh, any old spot in the house will do, but the yard... now that's a different story. He must pick out the best pooping atmosphere available. It takes him forever. Meanwhile I'm counting my hours of sleep in my head trying not to rush him. If you rush him he just takes longer. Finally, business is done, I go back inside, strip my sheets, cuss the dog and go back to bed.

Jack is a pup. He's a good pup, who is being house broken. Although there are times when I think I am the one being broken. He's lovable, playful, and fun to watch as he races from one end of the house to the other. He also has a shoe fettish. He doesn't really chew too much on the shoes, (maybe because I have slapped him with them) but he does love to drag them to his lair, which is under my chair. He brings all of his "fresh kill" to his spot. At the end of the day he will have at least two pair of Mary's flip flops, one of Brenden's and one of mine under the chair. This is mixed in with a couple of Barbie shoes, a toy cat, chew sticks (unchewed), and chew toys. It's cute, but annoying. He doesn't really chew on any of it, he just brings it to his spot and sits with it, like he's guarding it from Tilly. Tilly just ignores him and sits on my bed like "momma loves me more".

Anyway, Jackie is getting better with the whole potty training business, but still has some accidents. Bren and I have started a little game coming up with new names for Jackson's accidents. For instance Bren may tell Mary that Jack has left her a present in the bathroom. Or that Jack has some warm steamy goodness in the hall for Mary. Mary hates this of course, and hates picking up the poop. I noticed that I was picking up most of it and told Mary that I would get rid of Jack if she didn't start helping with him. She simply shot back, "If you do can I get a kitty? They use a box." No.. no cats. She has started helping more. Last night Jack had pooped in Mary's room (a little part of me is glad he's starting to have "accidents" in her room only). I told her this morning. She didn't want to clean it up. Bren pipes in "Jack baked you some warm breakfast biscuts Mary." I thought this was hilarious. Mary, not so much. From Dog logs to breakfast biscuts. Priceless.

Just one crappy little story about a teensy part of my life.

Is it just me?

2006-09-05T15:05:00.000-05:00

Today I went grocery shopping. Grocery shopping, with coupons, at Wal-Mart during the first of the month. It was busy. Of course it was, it was Wal-Mart. I get up to the register and find one with a reasonably short line. I wait in line for my turn. The young boy at the register greets me with a listless "Hey." and begins scanning my items. Right off I noticed how incredibly slow he was. At first I thought maybe he was just being meticulious about how he sacked things. Oh no, not so. There was my bread sitting happily next to my toilet bowl cleaner. My vanilla went into a bag by itself. A big bag with nothing but a 4oz bottle of vanilla extract in it. A carton of orange juice with dog bones and sour cream with cans. Hmm.. I think, maybe he's just new. I wanted to give him benefit of the doubt but inside I was starting to get irritated. This is when scanner boy stops scanning and digs in his pocket. I stand there watching him thinking "what the hell is he doing?". He digs out his cell phone, looks at it, puts it on the counter turns to the register, stops, and turns back to the cell and proceeds to text someone. I am dumbfounded. Did this little slow ass punk just TEXT someone while checking me out? How freaking rude can you get?? This question need not be asked because my good buddy Mark who has on a shirt the exact color of lime sherbert and a gray baseball hat cocked sideways and with the bill turned up gets another text message that has to be replied to right away. So again he stops in the middle of weighing my grapes and replies to his text. At this point the mean hateful bitch that lives inside of me is screaming to get out. I want to jerk the cell phone from his hand and do my best softball wind up and send his phone flying across the store. I want to tell him to stop wasting my time. I want to jerk that dumb looking hat off of his head and stomp on it; twisting my foot back and forth to make sure I crush it all up and get it good and dirty. I then want to tell him in my best Dirty Harry voice "You waste my time, I waste your stuff. Got that, punk?" I don't of course. I wait patiently while Mark slowly goes about ringing me up and then get the hell out of there envisioning breaking his phone and maybe an ipod just for good measure.

I find it so rude that people have no decency. I hate it when they bust out the phones right in the middle of lecture, or decide they have to take a phone call in the library. Maybe it's just me, but it irritates me so much!

Tune in to next weeks bitch-a-thon to hear all about people who use handicap stickers when they aren't.

You are my sunshine

2006-08-29T22:01:00.000-05:00

Life is good because you are in it. I smile when I hear your voice. I giggle when I know I will be seeing you. I get excited knowing that you are coming to see me. I sleep better knowing you are beside me. I am happy. Thank you.

I hate you, please hug me

2006-08-01T18:56:00.000-05:00

I want you here. I want you to want to be here. After the way I've acted I don't know why you'd want to be here, which makes me even more angry with you. I am angry with everyone. I'm just too mean to live lately.

Things I wish I could say

2006-07-30T20:07:00.000-05:00

I enjoy reading www.thingsmyboyfriendsays.com.

Aunt Flow is here for her visit. I fucking hate the stupid dumb bitch. Sorry... was that harsh and unexpected? Let me rephrase... Thank God for Seasonale. Four times a year is enough for the bloody witch to visit. I hate being moody and irrationale. I hate being this way and not being able to help it.

Friggin' Hot

2006-07-15T15:35:00.000-05:00

It's 109 outside. That's hot. REALLY hot. The kids want to swim, but I'm afraid they will burn, so we are waiting until later tonight. I allowed Dragon the vicious killer dog to come inside. He is laying at my feet and just let the most godawful fart imaginable. What is it about dog-farts that make them soooo stinky? Today I watched Pirates of the Caribbean... the first one. I am just now getting around to watching it. I know, I know, a little behind the times, but that's me. I got to thinking about how sis and I used to borrow movies from the library during the summer. The afterschool story movies. I can't remember what they were about now, but I remember really enjoying watching them. What dorks we were... wait... I guess we still are. School starts soon. Mary is ready, she got some school supplies for best attendance at vacation bible school, so she is chomping at the bit to dig her fingers into first grade. I guess I am ready for school. I still have a few things I need to take to the nursing office, but I keep putting it off. It's going to suck getting back into the grind. It's really going to be hard this next semester, but I'm sure I can handle it. I have so far, so I am confident that I can do what needs to be done.

It's the Fiber

2006-07-15T00:38:00.000-05:00

Today my sister and I browsed through an antique shop. I love looking at all of the old things. I always think about who the person was that owned it, and if it was something they just "had to have" and is now forgotten. I wonder if the people that used it are dead now, or in some nursing home dying. I wonder what happened to the family, and why "grandmas dishes" were put in some garage sale and not sitting in someones china cabinet. Going through rooms and rooms of antiques I want to reach out and touch all of the green objects and yell "OZ!" I guess that is the results of watching Return to Oz as a kid. It was fun looking at all the junk, er antiques.

Mary and I are watching Alice in wonderland. She is growing up so much. She is turning into a little lady. Well, a little lady if you overlook the farting and the teasing and the picking fights with her brother.

My guy passed his test. I am so proud of him. He is so smart. He is also very good to me.

I am studying for my test. I hope I do well. Cross your fingers for me.

Ok, I am off to my favorite girl. Goodnight to all.

Missin my sis

2006-06-28T22:56:00.000-05:00

About now my sister is in Florida where it rains everyday at three and people sweat rivers. She is a married woman on her honeymoon. I am so happy for her. She found and married a really good man and I am so proud of them both. Last night I was pulling into my mom and dad's to pick my kids up and I realised that she wasn't going to be there. I have missed talking to her, going places with her, and just chilling at the house. I know she is having fun, and for that I am happy. Today is my birthday. One year my sis made me a card that said Hippy Bathday. I still have that card. A card built with love and my sister's happy-go-lucky style. We still say Hippy Bathday, I still think it all the time, even when people look at me like I'm crazy I just smile and say, "oh it's a family thing". I graduate nursing school friday. I am ready. I wish that my greatgrandmother could be here. I really wanted her to pin me. I know that she will be there in spirit even though she isn't here physically. Instead I will have my mom and kids pin me. I am so grateful to my parents for all of their support. They are truly wonderful people and I am so lucky to have them. I am so lucky to have them together. After graduation I will spend the next month studying my ass off for boards. I hope to do well. Both of my kids are doing great. They are enjoying their summer. Brenden will be nine tomorrow. I am really blessed to have two wonderful kiddos. Ok, that's enough. I'm going to bed now. Goodnight to all.

Free as a bird in a cage

2006-06-21T21:19:00.000-05:00

Some things never change. I had an awesome post- all prepared in my head, now I have not the time nor the patience to write it down. It was an awesome post though.

Well... it sounded like a good idea in my head.

2006-06-13T19:36:00.000-05:00

Surgical tweesers... check. Sharp sissors... check. Peroxide, Alcohol, Iodine... check, check, check. Towel, bowl, antibiotic ointment, bandages, tape... checks again.

Bad Idea- triple quadruple check.

I decided that I would become a master surgeon minus about eight years of school and five years of residency and extract a sliver of glass from the ball of my left foot. Said glass has been bothering the hell out of me off and on for about four years now. I had had enough. I set up my operating table and began. I began my removing the callous top layer of skin. No problem, no pain, it's tough. Next came the not-so callous layer... still not too bad. It hurt a little, but not unbearable. Finally I felt the little bastard piece of glass that had been lurking in my foot for almost half a decade. I know I felt it because it was a sharp piercing pain that made me want to say really bad words repeatedly. I drug my foot closer to my operation light (the kitchen window) and looked closely at the wound on my foot. No glass to be seen. I couldn't even see a translucent glimmer of glass. WELLL.... that means it must be there... I did deeper. I say more bad words and even try to jerk my foot out of my own hands. I am persistent. Cali says I am an overachiever. I did my best. I kept digging until I removed a teensy microscopic sliver of glass from my foot. It still hurts like hell. I decided to stop after twenty minutes. I soak my now throbbing bleeding foot in a nice vat of peroxide. When I was a kid peroxide didn't hurt. In fact I thought it was kind of cool that it fizzed when you poured it on a "boo boo". Screw that noise. Peroxide of my youth has been replaced with searing, burning, fizzling pain. I wanted to cry it hurt so bad. Because it hurt so bad and made me want to cry I had to bend and stretch my foot, which in turned stretched my poor surgical wound causing further pain. I did this because I was pissed at myself for hurting. Doesn't make much sense does it? Hurt myself more because I hurt? Go figure that one out. Now I'm sitting here, wanting to swim, but denying myself because of my jacked up foot that is wrapped in bandages oozing antibiotic ointment. I only hope that the little piece of glass was the only one and that my foot can heal and swimming can occur. Shit, walking without pain would be nice... I can wait on the swimming part. Sometimes I wonder about my great ideas.

The candle dims and goes black

2006-06-07T21:08:00.000-05:00

Well, I made it through Devil Day with only minor injuries. I awoke Tuesday morning believing I was at Phillip's house. I went to turn off his alarm clock... on his dresser, which is where my fan is located at my house. I stuck my finger into the spinning blades thinking I was hitting the snooze button. WRONG! Time to wake up to screaming pain in my index finger. This devil fan is straight from the 1960's. This is not a lesser powered replica, oh no, this is the "don't put your fingers in the fan because it will cut your fingers off with it's metal blades" fan. This fan sounds like a freakin' jet engine and I put my damn finger in it! I disproved the "cutting off of fingers" theory. I escaped the devil fan with only a badly bruised fingertip. I get to work only to find out that I have to stay two hours late, whoohoo. I get a call that says I have to show up for Jury Duty.. double lovely. My lunch sucks, and what started out as a couple of itchy blisters on my ankle has now turned into a full body attack of poison ivy. The air conditioner does not work on my car which makes it buckets of sweaty, itchy fun driving places. I actually fixed my a/c last night, so that wasn't a problem today. Things are going ok. The kids are great. Whiny, but great. I am bitchy and tired, but good. Summer is here and I am happy.

Blowing a fuse

2006-05-19T23:33:00.000-05:00

My temper has been short. VERY short. I am stessing out about my upcoming NCLEX and have already "failed" myself half a dozen times. I try and get everything done but it seems impossible. I have a list that keeps growing and growing with things that need done that I want to do. This is bullshit. I can't sleep. I can't think straight anymore. I forget things so easily. I forget where I park my car, or can't remember driving home. There are days I have to check my bag three and four times just to make sure I have eveyrthing. Stress fucking sucks. I used to be super memory girl.. and now.. welll.... I can't remember what I am now. I will be working on things and realise that I do not have enough time to do half the shit that needs done and I just feel rage. I am serious. RAGE. It pisses me off so much that I have so much shit to do and no time to do it. Three and four hours a night is not cutting it. I want a vacation. I want to go somewhere and not look at a book. I need some sleep. I need a break. I can't wait until school is over with.

The sound of laughter

2006-05-07T11:48:00.000-05:00

I remembered every time:
You called me dummy
You made me feel inadequate
You walked away when I cried
You turned away
You yelled or jabbed me with your finger
You put your needs first
You laughed at our expense
You were apathetic
You lied
You hurt us
You lost

I will forget you. I will never forgive you. I paid attention. I learned. You are egocentric. It was to my advantage. You underestimated me. You didn't know me. You don't know me. You never will. You are pretend. A farse. Such a good person. Such a lie.

Kissing the wind

2006-04-18T20:23:00.000-05:00

I sat quietly in your office. You had lunch and drank my soda. You had water there, but you always drink my soda. I secretly smiled. We talked and you checked your watch a dozen times. I wanted lunch, but didn't want to leave yet. A student came in for help. He needed a shave and reeked of body spray. You helped him. I sat, listening, watching your hands as you explained things that I knew nothing about. I knew it seemed simple to you and you were trying to explain it to him in the best way possible for him to understand. You asked open ended questions and made him think. You directed him and explained to him why something is and what he was supposed to do with it. As you were helping him out I was thinking "next semester you are going to get so tired of me asking questions." The kid left knowing what direction that he needed to go. I'm not sure he will do well, but it's not due to lack of instruction. It was time for me to go. I looked out the window, looking at the beautiful spring day on the other side of the glass. I wanted to stop time. We could leave, go for a walk, weaving around people frozen in their tracks. We could pick flowers take a nap in a bed of clover. I stop daydreaming and tell you goodbye. We walked down the stairs and you touched my arm, kissed my cheek, and I walked away under a canopy of spring.

Saying goodbye to the boys.

2006-04-17T12:38:00.000-05:00

Dragon said goodbye to his boys yesterday. I had my guard dog nuetered. He is now on his way to becomming an "it" dog. The kids had a good easter. They hunted Easter eggs and ate way too much chocolate. I had a nice weekend. I loved being out of school just as much as the kids did. We went to see Ice Age 2 and just had a great time. Too bad it's over!

Quick! Call Delilah!

2006-04-08T00:46:00.000-05:00

When I get stressed out I can freak out about everything. My mind tends to take everything that is going wrong and put it into one big pile. I then pick the first thing on the pile, which is usually the smallest thing and make a huge issue out of it in order to cover up the other issues. I need to stop that. I try and push those closest away so that they don't have to deal with me being stessed, and then I stress about pushing them away when all I want is to know that I am loved regardless of what happens. I know that stressing over things can't help them. I know that I need to just worry about things I can control. It's easier said than done.

I talk to you but its not the same as touching you
And every time you whisper my name, I wanna run to you
We'll be together, it won't be long
But it feels like forever, and its hard to be strong

Wishing you were here by my side is all that I can do
Got my arms around my pillow at night, they should be
holdin' you
Thought I was stronger, how could I know,
I can't take this much longer, its so hard on my soul

Baby I just can't wait, till I see your face
Chase away this loneliness inside
When you're close to my heart, right here in my arms
Then and only then, will I be satisfied
I'm missing you now
We'll be together, it won't be long, it won't be long
But it feels like forever, and its hard to be strong

That, Ladies and Gentlemen, was Michael Bolton. Who knew that Mikey could sing words that were written for my heart?

A few new pictures

2006-04-08T00:24:00.000-05:00

Look! We are a coloring book!

Mary and Mom, chillin like villians.

Brenden and Mary can't stop giggling!

Itsy Bitsy Spider

2006-03-29T21:27:00.000-06:00

Ok, here's the picture I want you to create in your mind. I am sitting at my desk. I am looking up information on Oncology online. My stress level is about a 7 on a scale of 1-10. The questions we were given are not in our books. I bring this to the attention of my instructor. Her reply is "Use your resources." This does not help my stress level. So I am looking through countless websites trying to figure out what is factual information and what is crapual. I have been studying all day and have about a million pages of homework. Yall with me so far? Ok, now the good part. I'm hunched over my desk, the house is all quiet, and I'm concentrating. I feel something on my arm, I glance and see this HUGE spider crawling down my arm. I let out a huge girl scream and did the squish and swish method to get this awful thing off my arm. The quiet concentration is gone. I look for the spider and can't find it anywhere. I sit back down and try to resume studying but now I feel spiders all over me. I keep thinking it must have been crawling in my hair. I have the heebie jeebies now. I have finished the majority of my homework though. This is a good thing, now I can devote the remainder of my time to doing fun things like studying.

Hoodini Dog

2006-03-22T15:46:00.000-06:00

I want to take a minute to tell you all about Dragon. He is a very cute, loveable, and playfull chocolate lab. He is a year old this month and is the best dog I've ever had around children. He is hilarious when he sits in his water trough. He also runs and jumps in the cows trough and splashes around. My mom told me the other day she caught him in her fish pond! I can just see the look on their faces as Dragon is living it up in the fish pond! He's even been known to run down and jump into some nasty sewage... eeewww! Why aren't I keeping Dragon from roaming all over the hill you ask? Well, it's not for lack of trying to keep him in one place. I started off with a chain. This worked ok until he started breaking his collar and twisting the chain up to a point where he was going to kill himself. I got a choke collar thinking this would do the trick. Nope, Dragon was the one doing the tricks because I would come home to find the "choke" collar attached to the chain and the dog no where in sight. I tried getting leather collars, only to find that he would work them until they got loose enough for him to slide his neck through. I swear the dog must have a retractable head. I went to nylon collars, I've gone through three of different varieties and widths. He breaks every single one of them. I am unsure of what to do next. I thought of putting him in stocks but I think he'd manage to chew through that too. Maybe an electral shock collar. LOL. I remember the story of Travis and the shock collar! That's probably what would happen here. Anyway, I just wanted to share a fact about our loveable, wonderful, slobbery, water-loving, clumsy dog.

Walk the Line

2006-03-17T22:51:00.000-06:00

Mary and I just finished watching Walk the Line for the second time. She loves that movie. I must say that I love it as well. It is so much fun watching Mary swoon when John almost kisses June but she tells him no. I love Mary so much. She is such a charachter. She has our whole day planned tommorrow. It should be interesting. Brenden declined to watch the movie. He wanted to watch Indiana Jones and not John Cash. I just don't understand why Indiana Jones would rank higher than Johnny Cash on an eight year old boys cool scale. Anyway, I am pretty boring, so i guess that is all for now.

Spring Break

2006-03-16T19:04:00.000-06:00

This has been the best Spring Break ever. The kids and I have enjoyed it so much. We did so much stuff that all I've done this afternoon is sleep. I loved it. I am dreading this week ending. I got to spend some time with my guy, which was great. He is great, I'm more and more convinced of that each day. I am not ready for school to be over so that I can get my license and get on with things. It seems I have a never ending road ahead of me. GRRR! Ok, time for us to make something for dinner. Mary wants jelly, Brenden wants spagettio's hmm, I wonder what I'll fix.

There isn't anything that love can't fix

2006-02-18T03:53:00.000-06:00

I close my eyes and see yours
big, blue, and looking into mine
I lay my hand on your chest
the nest of curls so masculine
I feel them soft against my palm

You brush my hair off of my cheek
and tilt my face upwards
You speak to me
the richness of your voice
gliding over my ears

My heart swells
as your press your lips to mine
so soft and strong
You pull me close
and I drift off to sleep

I never meant to love you
or long to hear your voice
I never meant to miss you
My heart gives me no choice

I never meant to smile
when you said my name
I never meant to cry
when you didn't feel the same

I never meant to think of you
all during the day
I never meant to expect you
to treat me this way

I never meant to tell you
all of my wrongs
I never meant to let you
feel like you belong

I never meant to tell you
I loved you so
I never want to lose you
Yet I'm scared to let you know.

I never meant to love you
Never wanted to
I never wanted to hurt again
It seems I'm going to.

It's four in the morning and I can't sleep. I wrote this poem a while back and never posted it. I am guessing now is as good of a time as any. At the time I was having some issues with my relationship. This seemed to sum it all up for me. Things are going well for me. I can't sleep, obviously, but I usually have this problem, so nothing is new. I love the new Dirkes Bentley song, Come a little closer. I want to play that song.. light some candles... take a longgg bubble bath and snuggle naked under a blanket. This is what I think of when I hear this song.. so sue me.

Suicide Hotline... please hold

2006-02-08T13:54:00.000-06:00

Crazy Mary.

The other morning I was doing my usual rushing of the children, trying to get them out of the house and into the car when something hilarious happend. I had told them both to go get into the car. I hear the front door slam and think ok they are going. I follow out behind them, locking the door behind me. I get out to the car and realise Mary is not in her seat. Where is Mary? Brenden shrugs and says that she is probably in the house. I walk back to the door only to hear Mary screaming bloody murder on the other side. The knob is spinning frantically as she is screaming at me. I tell her to unlock the door, but she is not hearing me. I unlock the door but start laughing. It was hilarous. She was so pissed at me for that. She screamed "YOU LEFT ME!!!! YOU LOCKED ME IN!!" I told her that she locked herself in and that I didn't leave her. She was so mad that when she got to school she slammed her car door. She did look back and wave to me though. I laughed all the way to school thinking about how she looked. It was great. My kids make me laugh so much. Brenden tries to scare me all the time and Mary is constantly doing some dork-girl thing that makes me laugh. They are wonderful and I couldn't imagine life without them. I was listening to my voicemail messages that they have both left me and it makes me realise how much they mean to me.

kickin' it old school

2006-02-07T19:44:00.000-06:00

This morning I heard "Slam" by Onyx playing on a commercial. I had to smile. I haven't heard that song in forever. I've been hearing a bunch of older stuff on the radio (no I do not have my dial set on an oldies station either). I have developed a love/hate relationship with school and work. I love to learn and experience new things.. but jeez I hate it too. I am just ready to be finished. I am a bag of moans here lately. I've been thinking I need some cheese to go with my whine.

Back to work.. guhhh

Kicking and Squeaking

2006-01-24T23:23:00.000-06:00

A couple of days ago I noticed a couple of mouse pellets underneath my kitchen sink. I bought some glue traps. I started to get the old traps, but decided that with my grace and mouse trap skills that I would probably snap my finger. I get the glue traps and put them in various places in my kitchen. Tonight I was just about to go to bed when I decided that a yummy bowl of rice chex was just what my blood sugar needed. I go to the kitchen and think "my glue traps! Let's check them!" I check the first three and no mousie. The last one, under the sink was the jackpot. There is this mouse sitting on this glue trap at the back of the cabinet. Oh shit I think, now what am I going to do with it? I pull the packet of sponges that got stuck to the trap closer to the opening of the cabinet. The mouse tries to leap from the glue.... I leap about three feet in the air in my kitchen screaming like a girl. EEE.. EEE!!! EEEEEE!!!! I get ahold of myself and look at the mouse, it is firmly stuck. Now here is the delima.. what do I do with it? I am scared (chicken) to pick it up while it is still in the throes of trying to get free. I have a fear that picking it up will help dislodge it's furry body from the glue and I will find it's little germy teeth sunk into my flesh. Mice are dirty, nasty filthy evil little creatures. How does one rid themselves of a dirty, nasty, filthy evil, helpless, squirming creature that is likey to bite the shit out of me if it happens to flop towards my hand while i am carrying it outside. I have visions of Fat Pants (the cat) walking around tommorrow with a glue trap stuck to his mouth if I take the mousie outside tonight. I will leave the furry brown creature alone to die under my kitchen sink and will take it to the dumpster tommorrow. I only hope it doesn't scream/squeak loud enough where I will hear it while trying to go to sleep.

Don'tcha?

2006-01-18T17:14:00.000-06:00

The more I do the pharmacology stuff the more I realize I kick ass. I don't mean that in an "oohh look at me" way either. It is just something I excel in. I am very thankful for this. I had feared this last stretch of nursing school more than anything. I am still scared of the NCLEX and I am sure I will be a nervous wreck before I take it. I am sure that everyone I care about will be sick and tired of me freaking out about the test.

Things are going well all in all. I had a classmate tell me that my ass looked good.... I didn't know what to say. It was a girl. I turned and looked at her what I am sure had to be a weird ass look on my face and she quickly said, "It looks smaller, like you've been working out." I immediately think of Dumb and Dumber and want to laugh. I just said thanks, I think. It was a very strange conversation. I don't know any (straight) chicks that go around telling other girls their asses look good.

I think my memory is getting better, maybe it's all the freaking math that we've been doing. I feel like there are less cobwebs in my grey matter. Of course this doesn't change the fact that I am still going to miss every "who's this" question that Phillip asks me. I never get it right. It's always the Rolling Stones, or Led Zep or Skynard, or Ugly Kid Joe. If I do get it right he will come back with "what's the name of the song? and "what album?" Maybe one day I will be able to rattle them off without thinking about it. Yeah, probably not.

I am so tired. I feel old and inadequate. I feel like I have nothing to offer anyone at this point in my life. I can't sleep and I need sleep. I need a hug, or better yet, a massage.

A life you can hang your hat on

2006-01-17T16:58:00.000-06:00

I peered into the old carport. It was very deep and narrow on one side, just wide enough to fit a car into, but about two car lengths long. The entire area was covered with dust and just looked old. I walked into an area off to the side where a maze of animal pens were. The entire buliding felt as if it could fall in with every gust of wind that tore through the countryside. I found myself cornered into a small area that looked to be a long gone chicken coop. The little nests had no hay and there was no evidence of chickens recently inhabiting them. I made my way back out and then off to the barn. I stood at the entrace of the barn, it was even worse than the carport. The log structure, yes, I said log... was covered with tin. This old time pressed tin that has decorations pressed into it. The tin was nailed onto the structure in a haphazard way that I am sure was intended to provide the most coverage. inside one area an old sign with the letters URE leaned against the wall. I am not sure what it said, but only that it was old. There was an old wooden bed frame, and an old suit case. Back near the house there were jars and jars of hominy, beets, okra, and other unknown canned goods sitting in crates. I picked one up and inspected the hominy. That's lye in there... ewww... The flower beds that are full every spring with flowers sit empty. There will be no flowers this spring. The gate is there, but the fence is gone, so is much of the house. This is my Dad's grandparents house. The house he came to as a kid, ran through the pasture, and rode a mule. It was built in 1905, I've heard, and until the past few months it was lived in. The roof was falling in and I don't see how they went year after year without the pipes freezing. My great uncle Wilburn lived here until a few months ago. Now the house is being torn down. It wasn't worth saving. In a few weeks it will be gone, leaving only the shallow hole that my dad will level in with his tractor. An end of an era. One day long ago I am sure my great-granny Bertha stood in that kitchen with her family laughing around her. She cooked there, she put her dishes away there, she probably tended to scraped knees and once upon a time, before they were family, she entertained my mothers grand-mother and my mom there. It was her home, and now it's gone. It makes me think of my own parents home, how one day it too will be delipated and someone will come along and tear it down, board by board, stripping memory by memory along with the sheetrock and nails. It makes me sad to think that one day my own parents house will meet the same fate as my great-grandparents, and that eventually all of us will be gone. All of these times we have now will be nothing but memories and that there will be none of us left to remember. I stood in the doorway of the log barn, looking at my ancestors life. They were farmers. This land was all they had. The land, the house, and this barn. There were no stocks or bonds or money in the bank. Only a bunch of canned hominy, a log barn, and flowerbeds. They lived a life that I can be proud of. Good people earning an honest living... and I want to remember that.

I love you like Strawberry Cheesecake

2006-01-16T00:22:00.000-06:00

Life is good. I am happy. School is crazy. Work is crazy. Kids are crazy. I am crazy. There is not much new around here. We had a good weekend. I am not ready to go back to school. I want another three or four days off. I now want to get DDR and play it, thanks to Jay. I think I can act a fool long enough to do some cool moves. I have also been in a movie watching mood. I very rarely get to watch TV but tonight the kiddos and I watched Harry Potter. It was great, all three of us laying there on the couch eating popcorn and oreos watching TV. I fell asleep. They woke me up when it got to the "scary" part. I had to be awake for that. We played madden and just had a good time. I helped my mom and dad today. It was good to get out and do some good old work that didn't involve blood, feces or urine. I am ready for the warm weather. I want to take a drive to all the ghost towns in Oklahoma, I want to go to Georgia in the spring and I want to take a trip back to Vegas with a bunch of girls. I want to go to the library at ou in the spring and take a picture of the gardens from the windows.

Too much that Time can not erase

2006-01-05T02:28:00.000-06:00

I'm so tired of being here. Suppressed by all my childish fears. If you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave, because your presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone. These wounds won't seem to heal. This pain is just too real. There's just too much that time can not erase.

But though you are still with me, I've been alone all alone.

I see you in my dreams. You are beautiful. Auburn hair, long, curling on the ends. In my dreams you are doing different things. Running, talking, laughing, playing, growing more and more each time we meet. You always know me, and try to come over to speak to me, but never get to me. Sometimes it's a field that you are running through but never seem to cover any ground. Others it's a crowded mall where you are continually consumed by a crowd of people. It's always a struggle that ends in defeat. The crowd thins and you are gone. The field becomes short grass and you are gone. It's a very disturbing dream that always leaves me awake and unable to sleep. I wish somewhere in the dream I would have calm reassurance but there is none. Only the frusturation of trying to move upstream against a current too strong.
Maybe one day I can move up stream, cross that field, or crowded mall and find you there. Maybe one day I will have that resolution, until then..... I will dream.

The words have been drained from this pencil
Sweet words that I want to give you
I can't sleep, I need to tell you, Goodnight.
When we are together I feel purpose
When I'm called away from you I fall apart.
All you say is sacred to me
Your eyes are so blue I can't look away

Wanna put my tender
heart in a blender

Ready to Run

2006-01-04T22:16:00.000-06:00

Today my son had his dentist appointment. The first of four. He had a filling and a crown done today. He was such a big boy. He got all giggly under the gas and really didn't complain too much. He was hurting a little tonight, but with a few pain relievers he is doing fine. After his dentist trip I took both kids to Taco Bell to redeem their certificates of Bravery given to them by the dentist. While waiting at the counter to get our food I watched the young girl who took my money go over to the line where they prepare the food and stand there preparing to put cheese on my kids tacos. I was going to tell her if she so much as touched my food without washing her hands that it was going to be remade. Before I could tell her the guy steaming (putting the meat on the tacos) pulled a pan from the back on the line and dropped it into place on the line. The hot water splashed and sprinkled on the girls arm. She let out a big "Muthafucka just didn't splash my fuckin' arm with some hotass water." I just stood there, I could take that... it probably hurt. Rude? Yes. Unforgivable? No. A manager who had been sitting in the lobby at the time shouts... I can hear you, so can customers... and their kids. This is when my jaw drops and I about tore into the girl. She says "I don't give a fuck, it hurt. I cuss in front of my kids anyway, they ain't no better, fuck that." I wanted to tell her what she says around her kids and what she says around mine better be two different things. She is at work, first of all. Second, she needs to be a little more considerate. She may want her kids around bull like that, but not everyone does. I am not the most clean mouthed person, even around my kids, but I don't cuss like a sailor either. I bit my tongue, got my food, which the potty mouth did not touch, and took it to my kiddos. The lobby looked horrible and the food was shitty. Go figure.

I have been having weird dreams lately. I dreamed the other night that the moon had holes in it and that the clouds were spinning in the sky, not forming funnels, just spinning. I also dreamed of huge cataba worms that went around eating everything. I would squash them, mushing up their gooey hamburger meat insides only to find dozens more around my feet. I also dreamed about patients, taking care of old people, trying to help them live only to lose them. Weird. Sucky. Not cool.

I don't know where to go with this from here. I have put of writing for a long time simply because I don't know how to say what I want to say. Maybe if I were a rapper I could rap it all out. Yeah word, keep keep it real. I am not a rapper though.

Please Excuse the Typos...

2005-12-14T21:27:00.000-06:00

Yeah, so all my posts have typos. I could eliminate them with a quick click of the mouse, but what the heck. That would be way too easy, and so not me. I speak in typos, so why not write in them also?

I broke down and bought some sleeping pills. I had been trying to lull myself to sleep with amaretto sours.. I love amaretto sours.. but they just weren't doing the charm and after three nights of having three drinks and feeling nothing but wanting another drink I have decided that I do not need to add alcholism to my growing list of problems and have given up the amaretto... well, at least cut back.

Today Mary and I went into town and did some christmas shopping. She bought Brenden a present. I let her pick it out. She then wanted to "look" at her some toys. She pointed out about half a million of them that she wants. We had a good time together. She was my big girl and I got her some lip gloss. She is convinced that she has to wear lip gloss to school. She is such a girly girl. I go around half the time with no makeup and my hair in a pony tail. Actually today Mary asked me to keep my hair down, she said, "momma, you always wear your hair up, why don't you where it down? It's pretty." So, I did. I should have turned the tables on her because she always wears it down. I did get like three compliments on my hair though... maybe I should listen to the beauty tips coming from my five year old.

Clinicals are tommorrow. I am kind of looking foward to it. I don't really like the clinical site, but my great grandmother lives there and I enjoy seeing her. There is a nurse at the "home" who actually carries a spit cup around with her. You can imagine the disgust on our faces when she took it in with her to do wound care. YUM, just imagine having some nice juicy spit in your wound, or maybe she might get some nice infection in her mouth.

I took the last of my tests today. I don't know what I made on the last one, but I rocked the first two. I really kicked ass. I am glad because I studied so freaking hard for those tests. I was nervous taking one test. I just knew I was going to bomb it. I even sang my little "I am going to fail" song before taking it. Yes, I sing it outloud, so that everyone can hear it... well, people sitting around me anyway. I didn't bomb it. Maybe I should start singing that song before every test...

Anyway, taking my typos and going to bed. Peace out my homies

OH, I just remembered my homies I got out of the machine at Giant. I thought they were so neat....

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

2005-12-13T21:41:00.000-06:00

First of all, Jay I just want you to know that I was thinking of you today. You were on my mind... like Georgia was on Ray Charles mind. I love that song. The original song. I heard this chopped up rappy remix today and at first thought awww... I love that song. It quickly changed to WTF is this. I have sang Georgia to who else but Georgia, a lady I work with. Why would you name your child Georgia? Odd isn't it? Maybe I will name my next child Nebraska, or maybe Illinois. That way everyone can fight over how it's name is pronounced. hahaha. I want to go to bed. I am earning for my bed, but my son is at my sista's which means I have to wait up on him. He wanted to wait for his uncle to come home so he could say hi. So, I am waiting patiently, impatiently for him to come home.

Oh, some chick in my class is convinced that sperm do not die if ingested. She thinks that they can go from esophagus to anus and make it out alive. I didn't say anything (I had already said too much) but semen has a PH of 7.4 and gastric juices have a PH of like 3.5 or 4 depending on the person. There is no way sperm could live in these conditions.

My wish list for Christmas includes:

Gwen Stephani's Abs
A lifetime supply of chocolate (nonfat, no calorie, and great tasting of course)
To go to Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory. I always wanted to eat the icing mushrooms.
A new car! (said in the voice of the Wheel or Fortune announcer)
To be able to sleep all night long for a month.
To be uber smart without having to try (although when I fixed my network the other day at moms was brilliant.)
To be able to dance like a black girl
To be able to ballroom dance like a rich white girl
To solve a rubix cube
To play Sims bustin' out for 24 hours straight (that kinda messes with the sleep wish doesn't it?)
To have WIRELESS INTERNET at my house
To have my boobs to be perky again
To never have try feet again.
To always be able to say the right thing, (I never say the right thing)
To celebrate my parent's 80th wedding anniversary, with all of us living.

Ok, I'm bored. I am going to legally download some possibly copyrighted music. I said POSSIBLY and LEGALLY... Besides.. It's not like I took the Christ out of X-mas... HA!

So stupid bitch lady had the nerve to cuss my brother in law out because she didn't like the sign at his place of business. It did not say Christmas... it said something like Happy Holidays. She was pissed (like most of these crazy dumbass biblethumpers) that the business didn't have Christmas. We are taking the Christ out of christmas she said. I wish I would have been there to take her wrapping paper out of her cart, along with her tree ornaments, tinsel, presents and holiday candy throw all of it in the floor in front of her fat ass and tell her that those things she was about to purchase had NOTHING to do with christ and everything to do with commercialism and paganism and that if she wanted to put christ back in christmas then she best just get on home. People are so stupid. Maybe I am overreacting, but I believe if we pass on to our children our views, values, and beliefs and get them in there before everyone else tries to fill their heads with what they think is right then it won't matter if the sign says Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, or Kiss My Ass they will know what I have taught them. If they chose to live by it when they get older is up to them. That's my take on it...

like buttah...

2005-12-13T02:10:00.000-06:00

You wanna know what I hate???? I hate being awake at 2am and not doing anything fun. I hate not being able to sleep. This is bullshit. I should be counting sheep by now, sawing logs, swimming in fairy dust or whatever you want to call it. I should be unconscious and have active REM going on!!! I don't. I can't. I've studied until my eyes hurt. I think I know all the things I should know, and will bullshit my way through the rest. Yeah, I said it... I meant it too. I am tired of being tired all the time. I don't mean to be grumpy, and I'm not in a horrible mood, I'm just exhausted and there is nothing I can do to get some sleep!!!!!

I just checked on my order status and am kind of irritated that I ordered three items and they sent them all in different packages. Go freaking figure. Why???

Maybe you should Drive..

2005-12-12T19:49:00.000-06:00

Monday. Monday sucks. I couldn't sleep last night. I kept having dreams that people from my past were trying to kill me. Odd dreams. I got up and studied. I was sitting at my dining room table, the entire house quiet, me knee deep in concentration when my phone vibrates with a message. I about jumped four feet in the air. I immediately though bad thoughts towards a certain person who shall remain nameless, although I will say that he lives in Owasso and drives a silver Xterra. HMMM... I immediately text back, without answering his question asking him what he is doing awake at 2am. It's funny looking back, I think I was more startled than anything. He fires the same question back at me and I resume studying. When I finally get in bed it's close to around 3am. I fall asleep only to be awakened around 430 with these bright lights moving across my bedroom ceiling. You know how a cars headlights look as it turns and the lights splash into your house? Well, it was like that, only it's impossible to have a car's headlights splash in my bedroom. The lights were bright enough to wake me up and I laid there looking at them move across my ceiling for a few minutes wondering what they were until it hit me that it might be my christmas tree on fire. I jump out of bed and go into the living room. The tree is fine. The twinkling bulbs are the only lights that are on in the house. I think about this when I lay back down in bed and notice how freaking dark it is now compared to five minutes ago. I didn't think about it long though, seeing as both of my kids and the dog had made their way into my bed. I tried to get some sleep and my alarm didn't go off until 630. We were running right on time, the kids were getting dressed pretty quickly when Mary lets out this howl "MMMOOOMMMMIIIIEEEEE" I go into the bathroom to see what could be the issue now. I find that my daughter has a huge lump of pink bubble gum stuck in her hair. "Oh Shit." I think. I put cold water on her hairy gum wad and try to work as much of the hair out as I can, going as quickly as I can because I CANT be late. I finally cut the last few strands out. I get the kids in the car and off we go. I drop them off, blow Mary about fifteen kisses by the time she finally walks through the school door, and get myself headed off to school. Absent mindedly I take my chap stick that Mary had used and tuck it between my legs so that I won't lose it as I drive to school, and guess what I find? A hole, in my pants. Yes, the day just keeps getting better and better. I have on these velour (howeveryouspellit) pants and they have a two inch hole in the thigh. Just fantastic. I get to school and go into my advisors office. Does she have a saftey pin.... for my crotch....? Do I promise to give it back? Do I buy her another one? I am just glad she has one. I go to the ladies, secure my pants from showing the world my blue undies and get back to class all before 8. Whew.. that's it right? Wrong. I didn't eat breakfast, and had an early dinner the night before so my sugar bottomed out and I felt like total shit during my test. I just knew I did poorly. I didn't, but I was worried about it. I keep wanting to play PS2. That's all I want to do for like three hours is play Sims. PLEASE!!!! I can't. I don't have time. Time sucks. I remember when I used to have time. I also had no life. I want to play PS2 for one day with no interruptions. Anyway, I have to study. I have another test tommorrow that I want to do well on. I will be SOOOO glad when break gets here.

If you wanna get down..

2005-12-09T18:32:00.000-06:00

Today we got out of the "home" early and a few of us cut out to Polo's for some drinks. It was an odd group of us heading out for the bar in the middle of the afternoon. It was a blast. Leah convinced me to try a shot of liquid cocaine. Wow... is all I can say. I am not sure what it had in it. I only know it had to contain some after shock or hot damn, and whatever liquor it is that has the little gold flakes. Whoa... it was like drinking liquid fire that made you feel all minty fresh and burning. It was good, but I don't think I will have another one of those. We all had mixed drinks... We were all way too loud, and it was great. We discussed things that were totally unappropiate and had a great time. It was good fun and a great way to relax. Now to get ready for tonight.... whhahahahaha!

Baby, it's cold outside....

2005-12-08T21:26:00.000-06:00

correction... it's FREEZING!!! This week has been crazy. It has gone by so quickly. I had clinicals at another nameless, faceless, nursing home this week. It went pretty well. So friends and I went to the Barking Frog for lunch... all I can say is IT'S DELICIOUS. After lunch I helped feed the residents who could not feed themselves. I had one get mad at me when I wouldn't allow him to drink another residents milk. He has dysphagia and needed thickner so I couldn't just let him drink it. I am sure that if could have spoken he would have cussed me out.
After helping him to his room, changing, and putting him down for a nap I looked to help pass out trays to the residents who choose to eat in their rooms. As luck would have it on my second tray to be delivered I came into the room and this lady was sitting on the edge of her bed. I called her by name and asked her if she was ready for lunch. She replied yes, could I turn the lights on? The lights were on, overhead, end table lamp and the shade were up allowing the afternoon sun to shine brightly in onto the empty bed on the other side of the small room. "I can't see" She says again. My heart just sank. I am seeing myself in sixty years, I think to myself. I tell her that the lights are on and that I will stay with her and help her with lunch. She thanks me several times telling me that she just can't see to get around. I sit beside her on the bed and get her tray ready. I take her silverware and put them in her right hand. I then take that hand and "show" her where all the items are on her tray. meat, above that bread, to to the left carrots, and above them is a piece of chocolate cake. She readies her spoon and I put the napkin in her lap, (telling her first so she doesn't think I am molesting or robbing her.) To pass the amount of time between bites (it takes longer to eat as you get older) I make small talk with her. I love doing this with the older residents. Most of them have had so many different experiences and lives and it's wonderful to hear about them. She is nintey seven. She was born in Oklahoma but her Daddy was a farmer who always wanted to do better so they moved a lot growing up. She told me they would just get a nice house and get settled and he would move them. "He ended up with nothing" She said. She had two older brothers and before the "others" came her daddy used to play the fiddle and have her and her brothers dance. "Oh he taught us to dance!" She said, and her pale blue eyes lit up behind her thick glasses. The "others" turned out to me four more brothers and three more sisters. She said when the others started coming that daddy worked all the time and didn't play the fiddle anymore. During this time I am helping her with various foods and she eventually uses her finger to push the food onto the spoon after locating both food and spoon. She tells me about picking cotton, and how when the depression came the cotton wasn't worth anything and fields of the white fluff would go without being picked. She said that most people couldn't afford to pay someone to help pick it, because it was almost worthless. They turned the cows in on it. She told me she had her back broken twice. Once by a horse. I asked her what she did as an adult and if she was married. She told me that she had quit school in the third grade to help her family survive, and that she had always wanted to finish. She told me she married young, when she was 17. " I shouldn't have," she said with the twinkle in her eye. "He loved all the ladies." "Oh how handsome he was." She said he only hit her once. "Maybe it was becaused we fussed at each other so." She said she is not sure why he ended up marrying her... " I was a red headed freckle face girl." He did marry her though and they had four children in four years. She told me that she had often told him that he was going to get killed out there on the railroad and he assured her that he would be fine, nothing would happen to him. Sure enough, he was killed. He was drunk and fell from one of the cars onto the tracks and was crushed by a freight train. "I was left with four children and no means to provide for them." She said. She mentioned how handsome he was again, and how he loved the ladies... He was a handsome, womanizing, drunken pig but she loved him. She told me that her second husband was a bachelor and was a good man. He always treated her nicely and she said that if she would get cross or mean he would say, "Don't you think that's a dreadful thing to say? Aren't you ashamed?" She said it make her think about what she said before she said it. She was married to him for four years when one evening they were eating dinner and he stood up and fell over dead. Four years.. She said after that she didn't marry again until she was 80. Then she married a minister and was with him until he died. I just thought this was so bizarre. To bury three husbands. The first two in her before she was forty. How tragic. I am getting tired so I won't bother writing the rest tonight. I just really enjoyed talking to her. We can learn so much from other people if we just take the time to listen to them.

Pour Me

2005-12-05T23:45:00.000-06:00

Tonight I rented The Polar Express. The kids and I watched it. It was great. I cried. Yes, I cried. It was the best night I've had in a long time. Brenden, Mary, Tilly and me curled up on the couch watching a movie. I didn't worry about the dishes, or homework, or anything until it was over... then I went nuts trying to do everything before it got too late. I have been doing some christmas shopping. I hate it. I never know if my gifts will be wanted or not. I always want to get something really cool, but don't know what "really cool" is. Oh well, I am hoping that I did ok this year. I had a pretty good weekend. I dare say my stress level has been up and I've been tormenting those I care about most over small trivial things. All I can do is cross my fingers and hope that you all know me well enough to know that I will chill out in a few days.

Today in Walmart I was SOOO ready to go home, you know that line that forms around five pm and doesn't go away until midnight? I was in it... and I was at that point in the day where you are so tired all you want to do is go home and take a nap. I was ready to go home. I made it out and did just that. For some reason I've had White lightening on my head all day long. I think I woke up this morning with it on my mind.

.. tried to book him but my pappy kept on cooking....
........wheeewww... white lightening!

I let Dragon come in for a little bit last night. Bad decision. Dog chewed Brenden's glasses, broke a christmas ornament, tormented Tilly, sniffed everywhere.... and made me miserable. He got the BOOT outside. Bren didn't say much, he was pretty ticked about his glasses.

Well, it's bedtime. I think I'm going to go and snuggle with my favorite poo girl.

This will be.. an everlasting love

2005-11-28T23:32:00.000-06:00

I cleaned out my closet looking for coats to donate. I have three. They are all too big. One I've had for close to fifteen years. My first black leather jacket. I will not get rid of it. I love it. I checked my pockets. I found a gas reciept, a pack of matches, some lip gloss, and an ink pen. The pockets are torn and it is not that warm anymore, but it is mine. The next coat up is a green suede coat that Jamie got me for chirstmas back in 95/96... somewhere around there. It is a pretty coat. All the style back in the day. It is too big. I dug through those pockets. More gas reciepts, dining reciepts from Cracker Barrell in VA. Ticket stubs to see Butterfly Effect, some other reciepts from VA. I think this coat will be donated to the poor. The last coat is a fake leather coat I got at the good will store. It is going also. It is time to start anew. A new winter.. a new coat. A new start. I want something sleek, something classy, yet fun. I want a new coat. Just for me.

I can't sleep. I have been dorking out today. I think it's mainly because I have what I want, but don't have it all they way. I am the type of person who needs you to spell things out to me. I may "know something" but unless you tell me straight up, then I don't "know" jack.

Part of me wants to say fuck it, play it cool, do all the girl games. That's not me. I'm not into dumb games. I am too open with who I am and what I want. Maybe that is my downfall.

Payton Manning sucks ass. Even if he is h-o-t. Oh yeah, I said it.. I'll even say it again.. HOT.... but still sucks, ok he doesn't really.... but I'm not going for the Colts right this second.

Speaking of games.. I love text twist.. fun as hell

Decieving Deception

2005-11-28T20:43:00.000-06:00

What sort of TV doesn't get ABC??? Give me a break!!! The Steelers are playing tonight and I don't get to watch. What kind of piss poor satelite company doesn't get ABC? OOOOHHHHH!!!! I checked out ESPN.. and you want to know what is freaking on??? Figure Skating!!!! How is it possible? Why? My choices of shitty tv include 4 MTV channels, a million disney channels, a ton of stupid family shit channels, none of which show anything good. Court TV, which rocks, Discovery, which is ok, and ESPN, and Food... which I watch sometimes. I have 2 local shitty channels out of Denison. It just irritates the shit out of me. I called the satellite company, and I can get local channels... they put me down for them.. and I'm checking the status on them. They are local channels out of freaking St Louis MO and Atlanta GA. WHAT???? Local? Are these local to Francis OK???? Yes, I'm dying to know the weather in St Louis and the crime rate in Atlanta..... GGGRRRR!!! I'm going to go back to watching Figure Skating.

2005-11-26T22:33:00.000-06:00

I turn and draw my legs up to my chest, my legs touch your back and I remember instantly that you are there. I wrap my arms around you and kiss your smooth skin and listen with my eyes closed as you breathe. You are warm against me as I fall back into the void of sleep. I awaken and I am alone. You were never there. You are in your bed miles away while I am in mine. I pull my legs to my chest and turn on the tv. I listen to the drone of a newscaster on ESPN and fall back asleep. I awaken a few hours later feeling gross. I get up and stumble to the bathroom. One look in the mirror reflects my pale face. My eyes look brilliantly blue compared to my ghostly white skin. I want to throw up. I don't feel well and my stomach rolls. I correct myself from saying stomach, when I know it is in fact my small intestines. Damn nursing school, I can't even be sick without diagnosing myself. I splash some water over my face and try not to hurl. In my head I am going over possible causes of gastrointestinal issues. I decide it has to be the thanksgiving food I ate at work. Has to be. My tummy is poofed out from all the ick inside. I lay back down. Finally falling back asleep. When I woke back up I feel better, not great still, but better. I haven't eaten though and don't plan on it.

My Mary recently was chosen to be a little cheerleader at the Byng basketball game. She was a doll and was really enthuastic about cheering. She has been going around the house doing cheers. She was really cute out there with the big girls.

Thanksgiving was good. I spent it with my family. I helped my son pop wheelies and my daughter ride her bike with training wheels. My dad and I teased my son, and he got mad because he can dish it out but can't take it. It was a good day. My great grandmother was there and I talked to her about nursing. She was in the first practical nursing program in pontotoc county. She worked at Valley View for a little while, but then moved to OKC and worked at Southwest Community Hospital. She told me about a man who came into the ER with his throat cut from ear to ear and lived. She worked in all different areas of the hospial before finally moving back to ada in the late 80's. She is a wonderful person and I hope to be as good of a nurse as she was. I also got to spend time with my mom and dad. We all stay so busy it seems like I never get to see them anymore. I really miss them. There are times that I just want to be like a kid and run up and grab them and give them a big huge hug, but that's not too grown up of me is it? My parents have been through so much together and have come so far. I am so proud of them. They are awesome people.

Other than feeling like shiznit there is not much else to say. I have so much studying to do tommorrow. I put it all off until the last second like a real genius. I will be sooooo glad when christmas break gets here. 15 more school days. Whoopee!

I hope you all had a great thanksgiving.

Kegals... didn't you know?

2005-11-21T23:16:00.000-06:00

Recently I had the complete pleasure to attend an Oklahoma Board of Nurses meeting. I was bored out of my skull. Sitting there I inspected everyone around me. One girl was even as rude as to pull out her cell in the middle of the meeting and start texting. Another guy thought he was just the sexiest thing around had a ginormous gray ear hair poking out of the side of his ear. That almost made me go into a giggle fit. Thinking about walking up behind him and jerking the long gray hair out of his ear listening to the suprised scream that would surely errupt from his girly lips. One of my classmates decided that it was ok for her to whip her foot out of her shoe and start digging her toes. NASTY. I was so ready to get out of there.

Nothing much has really been going on with me other than school. My kids are great. My son just began his first of many trips to the dentist getting his teeth reparied. My daughter thankfully has my teeth and has no cavities, and has become a big girl and sprouted her first molar.

School is going ok. I am ready to be finished. other than that life is just lovely. I am ready for a break.

Do you like to Do it yourself??

2005-11-13T10:08:00.000-06:00

First post in a long time. I've been Busy. No, busy doesn't even touch it. I've been crazy busy. Stress isn't my friend and the faster things get at school the more I realise I've developed an ulcer. Lovely. Our test have become intense and fast, two and three in a three day period. I should be studying right this second. It is very hard balancing everything. Kids, school, work, house, life... but it will all be worth it. Just think, one day when I'm starting an IV on you... you will be GLAD I stressed so much over my schoolwork. I have been kind of depressed about work though. I love my job. I really really do. However, I am in a transitioning phase and it seems that this makes it hard on everyone. I am no longer just the CNA, I'm the baby nurse... It's a little difficult. I get a lot of shit from coworkers that are CNA's that have issues with my moving on. There are times I feel that maybe they think that I will get my license and automatically think I am better than they are. This isn't going to happen. There are certain responsibilities I will have, but acting like an asshole isn't one of them. It makes it tough. I am also having problems with my scheduling. There just isn't enough time in the day for everything I have to do. I can't work until 2am and then get in bed around 3 be back up at 6 get the kids dressed, to school and myself to class, and then be expected not to fall asleep in class. Imagine, a nice, cold class room, sitting for hours, listening to the droning of a lecture.. with a good three hours sleep under your belt. It's an excellent environment to sleep, only if that happens there are deficieny's written and that means you can be kicked out of the program after so many deficiencies. So I have changed my work schedule. My schooling is more important. I have to get through this. Other than that there really isn't much that's going on. I have a few funny stories, but not the time to tell them, so I guess that's all for now. It's time to work.

You have got to be kidding me

2005-10-29T22:22:00.000-05:00

Worst day in a LONG time. Supposed to be a fun day. I am so glad I do not have any alcohol at my house because if I did I would be turning it up tonight. I don't want to go to work tommorrow. I don't want to get out of bed tommorrow. I want to lie in bed all day long. I don't want to shower. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't even want to get up to pee. I just want to lay here, with the shades down and the tv off. I want the entire world to go away for one fucking day. How about that? Is that too much to ask? I try and try to deal with things with humor. I try as much as I can. I do it all the time. Today I can't. Today is the breaking point. No humor today. Thing is nothing happened directly to me that made it such a horrible day. Things I can't control. I am not a control freak, but Jesus... I just want to help people. I do the best I can and still.....

Fuck it. I am going to go to bed.

I know I won't be able to sleep.

At least I have the opportunity to sleep.

I need a vacation.

someplace warm
where the beer flows like wine....
a little place called.. Aspen. haha.

One day I will wake up and things will not bother me. I will not care. I will not hurt for people. I will not want to help people. I will not love people. I will not want to do the right thing. One day I will be able to walk away and say "that's enough, it's over" today is not that day. Tonight I am hurting. Tonight I want someone to care about me. To try and take the hurt away for me. Tonight I want someone to love me and do the right thing. Today is not that day. I sometimes wonder if today will ever be that fucking day.

Goodnight, Peace Out, Kiss my Ass, whatever suits your fancy.

Nursemaid

2005-10-27T17:05:00.000-05:00

Clinicals. Finally. We got to do some hands on assessments today. I got to wear my nursie uniform. Finally. Today was nothing more than assessments and flu shots, but it was so fun to get out of class. A group of us went to lunch today. We had a blast. I had WAY too much sugar. I wish that I could be like Phil and Cody for a while. Neither one of them like sweets. It is no fair!!! I love LOVE LOVE sweets. I could have candy for breakfast, ice cream for lunch and cookies for dinner. I pace myself though. I have entered a contest with my nursing group on who can lose the biggest percentage of body fat. I weighed in at 149 the other day, which means since school has started I have packed on 9lbs of muscle... table muscle. I have got to get my shit in gear, which means no more twizzlers and gummy bears. Fuck. This is going to suck.

Driving home today I got to thinking about things I like. I always thought that I never had any interests. In the past couple of years I have learned more things about myself than I have my entire adult life. Here are a few....

I do not like it when people don't brush their teeth at least twice a day. GROSS
I love spagetti and garlic bread, my kids don't... I am convinced they aren't my children.
I love hard rock and crank it in my car every afternoon.
I like Keith Urban. I want a man that will take everyone of his songs and do his best to make them reality with me.
I think Keith Urban is a pretty boy.
I do not hate gay people (contrary to popular belief that I should).
I think that if I were a voting citizen I would vote for gay marriage... let them have the same misery as all of us straight folks. LOL, it will be funny watching all of them trying to take half of each others assets.
I would sign a pre-nup, not to prove my love, but to protect my ass.
I love football, wrestling, and boxing. In that order... unless the fight is REALLY good, then it's wrestling, football, boxing.
I love living by myself, but hate sleeping alone.
I love driving a stick.
I love nursing.
I love helping people.
I like to read in the bathtub, with the water all bubbly and warm.
I love being in love, but hate loving someone not knowing if they love you.
I like to crochet.
I hate to follow patterns.
I love to play video games but hate taking the time.
I love snuggling on the couch.
I love the fact that I can remember some things with great clarity, but hate the fact I can forget who sings a song or what a movie was about.
I love the fall.
I love to sleep in.
Ok, I love writing my blog, but hate the fact that it takes up my TIME.... which is of much demand....

Peace out!

Take that, rat bastards!

2005-10-26T20:02:00.000-05:00

I am sick and tired of spam on my blog. I have hopefully destroyed the commenting assholes by word verification. I have been watching E! Girls Next Door. I bought the new issue of Playboy. I wish I looked like those girls. School is going well. We start clinicals this week. I am excited. I get to practice my skillz on someone other than ER patients. It is COLD, my heater is messed up and I am freezing my ass off... hey wait.. that may be a good thing. There isn't much going on right now other than work and school and reading school work and working in school, so I am pretty boring. Maybe just boring. I don't think I even rate pretty. I ripped my contact this week. It sucks. I don't have another one to replace it.

Hard core soft porn

2005-10-14T22:58:00.000-05:00

Sometimes it feels like the worlds on my shoulders
everyone's leaning on me
Cause sometimes it feels like the worlds almost over
but then they come back to me

Yeah, I stole it from Eminem. Changed a word or two. Call me Vanilla. I am feeling better. I still can't eat anything but teensy tiny bites. That is an improvement though. I have a ton to catch up on for school now. Kids are chillin like villians and I'm gellin like a felon.

I went to mom and dad's tonight. We talked about the George Foreman vs Mohammad Ali fight back ohhh a couple of years ago. It was good to see them. It seems like I hardly ever get to SEE my parents. I talk to them over the phone, but hardly ever in person any more. I miss them.

I can't wait for Jay to come back home and get Miss Kitty. Tilly has been pissed at me since the day she got here. If he doesn't want her I will probably have to find her a good home.

Yeah... I feel that bad

2005-10-13T21:14:00.000-05:00

Monday night I worked. I got home, went to bed and woke up Tuesday kinda feeling run down. You know that I've been going to hard and not resting enough feeling? Yeah, I had it. I had to go to the city for a conference and really wanted to take the self-defense course they were offering there along with our leadership meeting. The class ended up being full so I went ahead and went to the etiquitte class instead. I don't think I've ever been more bored in my life. I was taught how to sit like a lady, how to wear day vs. night perfume. I was taught how to introduce people, which I did not agree with. The instructor said that you should always introduce the lady first.... as in Mrs and Mr. Zwick. I always thought it should be Mr and Mrs Zwick. The husband is introduced first. Anyway, the class was lame. I wish I could've kicked some ass in self defense. After the conference a few girls and I went out for lunch and drinks. We changed from our ugly yellow and green shirts into regular clothes going down the interstate. So yeah, if you saw four girls in a truck all changing clothes on I35 that was us. We had lunch and went shopping for a bit. I called my guy and talked to him for a few minutes and came home. I get home and I start feeling REALLY bad. I end up going to bed at 630. I wake up Wed morning feeling like ulitimate dog shit. I drag ass to class. Around 10 am my instructor asks if I am feeling ok. I reply, no I am not. She takes my temp 102.7. Just like the radio station, I think. She tells me to go home. I go. Now here I sit. I've thrown up more times than I'd like to say, my tonsils are touching and covered with white junk. I walk down the steps of my house and my legs shake like crazy. I forced myself to eat solid food today and now my thoat hurts so much that even sprite makes me want to cry. I am being a baby, I know. The thing that chaps my ass more than anything is my house looks like SHIT. I mean literally I haven't touched it since monday night. It looks bad. Dishes everywhere. I need to get well so I can clean. What incentive. Then on top of everything who knows how much class work I've missed. I get these stupid damn tonsil infections twice a year- with fall and spring. Maybe I should have my tonsils cut out?

M'Lady

2005-10-09T21:31:00.000-05:00

When I lived in PA there was a guy who I worked with. His name is Jesse. He was a scrawny blonde guy who had more cents in his pocket than sense in his head. I knew then, but am totally sure now that the boy was on drugs. He varied between being hilarous to work with and me wanting to strangle him. One time while working a saturday night after Fat Daddy's let out, (correct me if I'm wrong, Josh) Jesse decides to start calling every female "my lady" like he was in midevil times. At first it was kind of funny because it was only the female employees. Then it was every female that he saw. "Thank You, m'lady" Everyone laughed, so he kept doing it. Like a child who wants attention he only got worse until I was about ready to scream. That was the night I burned my forearm. I still have a scar from that. It hurt so much. I guess I have been feeling a little nostalgic with the approaching fall. I love fall. It is my favorite time of year. I miss the trees of PA. The crispness of the air, and the beauty of the sky. I miss standing in my kitchen on York Manor Rd listening to the chruch bells ring. We don't have that here. We can't get the oldness and the feeling of the northeast here. I loved the first year I moved to PA. How new everything was, the people, the bustle, the climate. I miss driving to Leymone and taking the kids to the pet store. I miss driving across the Susquhanna river going into Harrisburg. I miss the huge old churh in Dallastown. I miss the red barn on the way to the farm where I turned to go to Dallastown. I miss catching fireflies in Yoe. I even miss the horrible traffic on Route 30. I miss going to Lancaster to the Amish stores. I miss having delivery and a big movie theatre. I miss my friend Tammy and going to Leymoine with her and shopping. I miss late night runs to the grocery store and Rite Aide. There are lots of things I miss, but I am happy with the way things are now. I have wonderful people in my life and look forward to making even more memories this fall.

Lunch Tales

2005-10-05T21:47:00.000-05:00

The past couple of afternoons I have gone out with friends for lunch. Yesterday was a nice fun lunch at a chinese resturaunt. Today was a balls to the walls loud lunch at a local fast food joint. I rode with a few other people and if you have ever spent the majoity of a drive pumping your brakes on the passenger side.... well... then you know what I'm talking about. I just KNEW a few times we were going to rear end the car in front of us (our classmates). I had a good time though. We are due to go to a convention in OKC next week. I will probably ride with some of the other students. I have a feeling it will be a blast.

Last night I had to work, so it was really really late by the time I got to sleep. I had just gotten to sleep when this loud boom seemingly coming from the back door woke me up. I just knew I had left my dog outside. I get up and open my back door.. nothing. I go to the front door and just as I'm about to open it I hear the noise again at my back door. I walk into the laundry room only to be scared to death by the cat jumping up from behind the dryer. So much for sleep. I laid back down for maybe 30 minutes trying to sleep when Bren comes and gets in bed with me. He puts his head on my arm and within 10 minutes my arm is tingling and numb. I move him over, look at the clock and think, "two hours 45 minutes." I close my eyes only to have the cat jump on the bed and position herself over my thoat. After moving her over she lies on my chest and begins licking my cheek like a dog. I am not going to tell you what I was thinking at that moment, but it wasn't nice.

Going back to study more now. I have a test tommorrow and just needed a break.

You gotta work it girl...

2005-09-30T23:40:00.000-05:00

I am sore. I have been using exercise as a stress reliever. I used to get stressed and eat. Now I get stressed I work out. I am sore today. I like being sore. I like working out. I love feeling strong. Is that a power trip? I don't think so, but don't care if it is. I like feeling strong but I also like feeling protected. School is going well. I study all the time, or at least a few hours a day. The other day I was down at my mom and dad's and we were working on my car. I was going through some of the old cassette tapes (I only have a cassette player in my car) and found one of my old mix tapes. It was so funny, I had all sorts of old music on there. Talk about a trip back to 1994/95. I took it so I could listen to it on the way to school. I'm ballin' out of control rollin' up on the lot listening to Skee Lo "I wish". I know, you all wish you were as cool as I am. HA!

I am cat sitting my old cat for a month. She obviously remembers me because she's been here for maybe five hours and is already sitting on my desk, on my keyboard.... oh it's going to be a long month. I also realised how anal I am today. I am not thinking about oh boy, my tilly has a playmate...I am thinking... oh shit... cat hair, all over my house. Maybe I'm just obsessive about my house, or maybe I'm just crazy, but I love having my house clean and in order. I don't feel like I can rest until it's in order. I think it's due to my upbringing. Thanks Mom, thanks Dad.

Speaking of my mom and dad I just want to say that I love them very much. I don't know where I would be without my parents. They have helped me so much. I don't get to see them nearly as much as I would like now that school's started. I am so lucky to have a mom and dad that clearly love each other and have kept their stuff together for 28 years. There aren't many people nowdays that can say that. I hope I can say that one day. I hope that one day me and my sister can be old ladies going shopping together, picking out stuff for our grandkids, looking all stylish in our elastic waist pants pulled up to our chins and our floral print shirts and costume jewelry. Of couse my sis would have to have children first. I am glad she has waited to get married and have kids, but honestly I can't wait to be an aunt. I want to be able to keep it for her and Cody so they can go out by themselves once in a while. I want to be able to take the little critter to the park and watch it play. I want to be an aunt. A fun aunt. More importantly though, I want my sister to finish school, get a degree and a good job so that she will be more secure when she has children. Parenthood is hard enough when you don't have to worry about money.

Ok, I'm ranting. I haven't posted in a while, so here is my jibberish. No Jay, I didn't read it before I posted, but I know that I haven't said anything about you-know-who... so you can just shut your pie hole. :) It was good seeing you today though. It's been a month of Sundays. I am glad you are doing well.

It's thundering! Ohhh hopefully it will rain and I can sleep...... night yall

Goodnight Moon

2005-09-19T22:32:00.000-05:00

Things I do almost everynight before bed:

Let my dog out.

Tuck my kids in bed.

Argue about if the TV stays on or off.

Tell my daughter to go back to bed at least two times.

Study until my eyes hurt even when I close them.

Take a shower (most nights).

Watch TV for a few minutes

look at all the little kids who are lost from New Orleans

wonder how many are dead

wonder how many were left to die by drugged out mothers/fathers/etc

be thankful that my kids are healthy and happy

take my contacts out

get a glass of water

tell my dog goodnight

tell my mathematician goodnight

turn the tv off

lie awake for hours and hours and hours....

get up and go check on my kids.

get up and check my doors.

get up and get a snack.

get up and watch tv.

get up and bitch at myself for not being able to sleep.

Lack of sleep has got to affect my memory fuctions.

The past few nights everytime I close my eyes I have nightmares. What's up with that?

A Beautiful Mind

2005-09-14T23:34:00.000-05:00

How about an exhausted mind? John Nash, move over... I'm putting more stuff in my head than extraterrestrial were putting in yours. Wait... There are no aliens.. so they couldn't put anything in your head.. so does that mean.. I have nothing in mine? Yeah.. don't answer that. I was going to write a post, but got to talking about football with a few people so my writing just kind of went out the window. I wish that I had had the opportunity to get into sports as a kid. I really like some sports. I love boxing. I love the aggressiveness of it. I guess that's one of the reasons I like football. The challenge. The roughness of it all. I will never forget the day I was knocked on my ass by mathboy. He was just playing, but we both went down. He is stronger than what he realizes. He apologized a jillion times but all I could think was, jeez, this might be fun. I love wrestling and playing around, so I have to admit I liked being tackled. Now, I don't want some ole 260lb bag of muscles running into me full force... but I could stand to get out and rough up Bren and P. every now and then. Ok, I've gotten off subject, if there ever was a subject. Who knows with me. One day I will write a novel on the hilariousness that is my life. I only hope that it will be funny to me then, because there are times now that I don't think it's too humorous.

One of these days I'm going to break these chains

2005-09-13T19:07:00.000-05:00

Brenden and I are sitting at the kitchen table. "Spell about" I tell him. "A-B-O-U-T" he chants and gives me a big grin. I praise him and we go on to the remainder of his spelling words. My boy has no idea how much I love him. How I want the best for him, how I want to give him all the good things in life. He only knows I make him wear a patch, write his spelling words, make him clean his room, and check his math. "Tommorrow is picture day mom." He says. "Are you going to buy pictures for us?" I told him I didn't know. I do know. I will not. Pictures are so expensive. I haven't been able to buy them for the past two school years. Little things like this make me so angry. I know, it's just school pictures. It's just the weekly reader. It's just a certain kind of bath shampoo. It's just soccer or karate lessons. Nothing big. Nothing they can't do without. I know this. I know they aren't going to die without these things. What pisses me off is that I can't GIVE them these things. I can't buy them the little things. I can't just say ok, pick out whatever smelly good shampoo you want, or girlie earrings. This pisses me off. I don't mind going without myself, I just hate it for my kids. This is what I use everyday that I don't want to get up. It is also what I use every night I have to work. It is what I use when I think I want to scream from the exhaustion of it all. This is my fuel. My desire. I desire to be able to give my kids the little things. I desire to be able to get up and put on a white uniform and go to work knowing that I earned it. Every day I spend in class and every night I read until my eyes are tired and spasming is one day closer to taking my final test. I will be able to give my kids the little things. I will be able to buy them a car when they are 16 and I will be able to send them to college. I will be able to help them when they need me. This is why I keep going everyday. I don't want to NEED anyone to help me. I fucking hate needing help from anyone else. I refuse to stay in a position where I have to ask anyone for help. I will get off my soapbox for now. I had planned on writing something much lighter, but this is what came out. I don't want to seem down, because I am not down, just determined. I have a goal to reach and I plan on reaching it.

Cinnamon and sugary and softly spoken lies

2005-09-07T20:50:00.000-05:00

Ok, I have a problem. I have a pair of jeans. Blue Levi Jeans. They are too big for me so I normally do not wear them. I needed jeans the other day so I went to look for them. I can not find them anywhere. I have no clue where these jeans have gone off to. I haven't worn them anywhere, so I know they are here somewhere. I just don't know where. I tooked all over my room, the kids room and the living room. my laundry is done, so I even looked behind the washer to make sure they weren't there. They have vanished into this air and it's driving me CRAZY!!!!

Funny thing. Today I had Bren take out all the scraps for Drags. Dragon ate until his belly was FULL. We went out a little bit later and let him off his rope so he could run around. We were throwing the football around and normally Dragon loves to chase the football or the person chasing the football. Today he was running after Bren but was so full he just stopped half way there and just laid down. He was so full that he couldn't run. It was pretty funny. My uncle came up and we tossed the football for a while. It was a pretty good day. I am going to go off an search for my jeans some more. I'm about to rearrange the entire house looking for these darn things.

Nothing in Particular

2005-09-05T21:39:00.000-05:00

There are times I want to pour my heart and soul onto these keys. I have to stop and remember that it's public. I have to stop and remember that it's not just strangers reading this. It's people I know. I do not want to tell everyone what I am feeling. I do want to share my life though- touch as many people as I can. I don't know, maybe someone out there can sit back in their chair and go "thank God I'm not as crazy as this woman!" Even if I just give a few minutes of boredom relief then my job is done. I love to write. I used to dream that one day I would be a writer. I don't know that I would have the patience to do that now, but I do know that I enjoy this blog far more than I would've ever thought possible. As a child I used to write in a diary, and even now I still write outside of here. It's odd the way people think. I am whimsy and a daydreamer, doodling in class while the instructor drones on and on. I dream about the future and what it will bring. My mathematician stated the other day that I wasn't indecisive. That I knew exactly what I wanted. Maybe I do to a point. The thing is, I've always known what I have wanted. It doesn't mean I ever get it. I know now that the things that I can control such as school and work I will get. I know this, and I know that I will be successful at what I do. I am determined to succeed. Other things, life things I am not so sure about. I don't know about love. I know that loving someone doesn't make them love you back. I know that having children doesn't make you a good parent. I know that I want to succeed at all of these things. I want to have a successful career. I want to be loved as well as love. I want to be a good parent. These are my goals. I think everything else will fall into place if I can achieve these. I am trying on all three. I am realistic enough to know that I may not be able meet them, but it won't stop me from trying. Ten years from now I would like to have my degree and several certifications to go with it. I would like to be working at a place that I really enjoy. I would like to be married to someone I really love and who loves me. I would like my kids to be happy and healthy and good people. In ten years I want Brenden to be preparing to go off to college and Mary preparing to get her license. I want to come home to a house full of kids tearing through my kitchen. See.. I told you I was a daydreamer.. Ok, I am done. One more thing and I will wrap this up. I found this the other night. I think it's fitting.

He drew a circle that shut me out-
Heretic, rebel, a thing to flout.
But Love and I had the wit to win:
We drew a circle that took him in!
Edwin Markham

My Little Family

2005-09-02T00:42:00.001-05:00

mom and bren

Tilly's bad haircut

Mary and mom

It's me

Spelling Bee Finalist

2005-09-01T00:33:00.000-05:00

For my mathematician. Did you notice the spelling? It's just for you. Happy now? ;)

See, not only is he hot.. He's smart... which only makes me feel obviously ignorant.

Ok, folks, going to bed now. Hope you all have sweet dreams.

Watch me unravel, I'll soon be naked

2005-08-31T19:20:00.000-05:00

Ok, I have a test tomorrow. I should be studying. I can't concentrate. I think about everything but what I should be. Asepsis and germs, strains of Staph, and what they look like. How nosocomial infections can be prevented; do you know? I do.

Here is some dribble that has been flowing from my brain- I guess it comes out so knowledge can go in??? Maybe that's the way I can explain it? Maybe I should become a theorist like Freud or Erickson and make up my own mind overflow theory. Ha, yeah, that will be great.

I try to study
You invade my brain
taking my thoughts
away from the task at hand

Hand
I picture your hand in mine
so strong, so kind
moving gently over my skin

Skin
smooth against my own
scratchy in places
brushing my cheek

Cheek
mine against your chest as I sleep in your arms
my lips brush your cheek
as you capture my heart

Heart
once broken now filled with hope
you hold it in your hands
it is yours to study

Study
I try to study
You invade my brain
taking my thoughts

Ok, back to the books. I have another freaking test tomorrow- so everyone pray.

I swore I'd love from the heart

2005-08-30T20:34:00.000-05:00

Do you ever hear a song that you just LOVE, only don't get to hear enough. this afternoon I heard "Midnight Train to Memphis" by Kid Rock. I think the best part of the song is

With a brand new start
I swore I'd love from the heart
I meant to change my ways
I've seen better days
than the one that here this morning

I really dig this song. I remember cruising around in my car listening to this with the moon roof open, speakers turned up.

School is going well. I have been busy busy busy. I am cramming so much into my brain it's going to explode.

I played 20 questions this afternoon with a "stranger" whom I've never met, yet feel like I've known forever. It's kind of odd that we don't know each other. Ada is a small town, I can't believe we've spent all of our lives here and haven't ran into each other. We even worked at some of the same places and knew the same people. How strange.

I am missing the mathematician. I don't feel really comfortable telling him I feel that way, he'd probably give me that look and tell me it's only been a few days. I know. I KNOW. I keep telling myself I won't allow myself to be hurt. I try to distance myself from him. It wouldn't matter if I were a million miles away, I think my heart would still be lurking around his place, waiting for him to notice.

I am going to study some more. What fun. A group of us are going to meet up for a study session this week. It should be a lot of fun- err... educational fun, that is.

HoT bOyS

2005-08-25T18:02:00.000-05:00

I jump out of my car, grabbing my bag, slinging it over my shoulder, trying to get to class on time.

"Stupid heavy thing" I think to myself, as I walked leaning to one side due to the weight of my bag.

Then, up ahead of me, getting out of a tall truck is "the body". I don't know his name, and honestly don't care to know. All I know is that he made my walk to school much more enjoyable. Tall, about eight inches taller than me at least. Brown hair, gray shirt, I could see the outline of his shoulder muscles moving under his shirt as he walked. Narrow waist and jeans that fit oh so nicely. I walked behind him all the way to the door. Then he held the door open for me. I couldn't tell you what his face looked like. I don't know. All I know is that I enjoyed what I saw. See, that's the thing. Guys are all around. Cute guys. Good looking guys come in many forms. Arrogant assholes (see most goodlooking guys) and sweethearts (see mathematician). Lots of guys don't think that girls check out the opposite sex, or that we only do it when we are at the club or mall or out with the girls. Let me tell you, we do it ALL the time. I'm not the only one. We had a whole discussion during lunch today about the hotness of classmates and surrounding men.

All you men please take note. Women look too. We all look. Hell I look at pretty girls too. Not like in an "ohh baby" way, but in a "she's pretty" way. I compare my ass with other girls, see how it stacks up. I compare my boobs.. I think we all do that to a degree. Ok, I will stop with my ranting now. I just thought that "the body" was a nice addition to my day and would share it with all of you.

One more thing- just because we look doesn't mean we want to jump every hard body we see. I'm fairly picky when it comes to who gets access to my no-no. If you know what I mean.

Weak in the knees

2005-08-25T05:46:00.000-05:00

You bite my arm, giving my body shivers. You ask it if hurt. I tell you no. It does, but in a good way.

I hide your trash bags. Not intentionally, just moved them to a better place. I've got to stop doing that.

My eyes and body are begging for sleep. I lie in bed, trying to get my brain to slow down. The thoughts race through my head. I wake myself up at night thinking. Only on rare occasions can I fall asleep with no problem. Those occasions are the ones where I want to stay awake.

I love to work until I sweat. Being outside working until the sweat drips down my nose and off of my back. It feels so refreshing when you get to come in and take a cold shower.

I get scared because classwork comes so easily. I am afraid I will bomb later on.

I check out the cart pushers at walmart. Some are young. I feel no remorse.

I check out your ass when you walk away from me. I can't help it.

A little girl broke up with my son. He is sad. I am sad that he is sad. I am secretly glad though. He doesn't need to be kissing on some little girl.

A boy asked Mary to kiss her. She politely refused (yeah, politely) and told him she loved someone else.

A man asked me on a date. I politely refused (yes politely) and told him I wanted someone else.

I miss kissing. Really passionate, hold me, kiss me until my toes curl kissing.

Time to study before school. Yeah, that's either insanity or dedication.

Sleepy Smurf

2005-08-24T00:11:00.000-05:00

Since school started I have become one of "those" at work. You know, the students that don't work full time. The part-timers. I hate being one of "those". I have convinced a few of my coworkers to go to school. I am hoping they will follow through. I like school so far. I am so tired and the work load is huge. I have read so much my eyes shake and I have highlighter stains on my fingers. I am doing well though. I do have to admitt I have a problem. I sit in the VERY FRONT FREAKING ROW. Which sucks ass. I didn't choose this seat, but got it simply because other twits had gotten the back row before I could snag it. My problem is I can't stay awake during films. I have seen most of the films already. I can not keep my eyes open. I will be sitting at my table, trying to concentrate on the tv and my eyes will cross and I'll do that little falling head jerk thing. So finally I just lay my head on my desk and sleep. I think I've slept almost everyday in class during a film. One of my instructors keeps waiting for my demise, quizzing us after films and such, but I just smile and turn my work in. So far I've made a hundred on every quiz save one, and I missed one. I think it kind of pisses her off. I think it's great. I don't want to fall asleep, but jeez I get so tired. A few of my classmates asked me how I was doing on tests. I told them. They acted like it was some major thing. I wanted to ask them if they REALLY thought this stuff was hard but didn't want to offend anyone. I am ready to move on to the harder stuff, which we finally started on this week.

I made some new friends in school. Yay for me. There is a man in my class from Pennsylvania. We talked about our personal stories. His wife divorced him after 18 years of marriage. He moved back home to live with his parents while going to school. He has an 8 year old son. His wife is seeing a bisexual man. HA! I shared my story with him. He's a nice guy, one of those giggly guys that are always laughing about something, so I can't be around him for very long or I get annoyed. It's nice to have someone to relate to.

I was thinking about this summer, and I'm sad it's over. I met wonderful people and went wonderful places.

Fumbling, Stumbling.... my tummy is rumbling

2005-08-17T00:09:00.000-05:00

School. I feel like I'm back in high school. Only this time I have to pay for it. Tests, tests are every other day. Anything below an 83 is an F. FAIL. Classes are all day long. I hate sitting for so LONG! I look foward to coming home and working out just so I can move.

I'm sick. Beginning of school illness. Lovely.

Oh, did any of you know that Einstein failed math?

I am tired. There's nothing really worth saying other than it's the beginning of the end. Finally.

Tales from the Darkside....

2005-08-13T06:55:00.000-05:00

Remember this show? (yes, I still say show, for the few of you who are snickering) I used to love to watch this program, all except the ending. The part where Vincent Price laughs. I couldn't watch that or when he did it on Thriller. It used to scare me. I remember being able to watch all the "scary" stuff right up until it was time for the laugh and then I'd have to turn the tv off really really fast. I also remember watching all of the Dead movies. Dawn, Retrun, Night of... you know... and then sitting in my living room looking into the kitchen just knowing I would see a dead corpse dragging itself around the corner coming for my brains. I have an active imagination. I have only met a few other people who's imagination rival mine. Yes, Jay, you are definitely one of them. I used to sit and daydream and wish to nightdream before going to sleep. I still do to a point, although my daydreams are significantly less and do not have the same giddy effect on me. I am sure with class starting that my daydream scale will rise significantly. Oh, and my tests went awesomely, by the way. I passed with flying colors. I have no doubt that if I were one of mathboy's students he would love having me in his class. A diligent, hard working, super quiet until I'm fairly sure I'm not the dumbest person in the class, and then I become the speak up, damn I'm smart girl who jokes around too much. Wait... I'd probably have him yelling at me asking if there was a problem. So scrap that idea. I will need his friendship and his mad math skills when I am suffering through statistics. Think self preservation.

I've had an awesome weekend so far. I have more plans tonight so I should probably get off my arse here and get outside and mow my lawn. It's nice out this morning so I want to get to it before it gets all hot and icky. I'll save that for something with a little less garments. :)

The kids started school. They love it so far. Brenden has already threatened to beat a boy up for teasing his sister. Mary just thought that was the coolest. Poor kid, he was only rhyming Mary with Cherry... I guess Bren just wanted to make sure it didn't progress to Hairy Mary, or Scary Mary. Mary already has several new "girlfriends" that she likes to play with. They are all nice to each other, and in her glasses they give each other golf claps. This reminds me of the movie men at work. Remember? Golf clap. I loved that movie. In fact, I think this afternoon I'll watch it. Brenden also has several friends and let me tell you, the ladies love him... It's cute. Brenden is a nice boy, and little girls just dig him. He's got mojo. Yeah baby yeah. All of you know this will be cool until he's like 15 and then I'll be freaking out if he has a girlfriend.

I hope you all have a great weekend. Peace out homies. Oh, I'm so white.

A Simple Kind of Girl

2005-08-12T02:32:00.000-05:00

I'm not going to bore you with details, but I had a GOOD night. The best I've had in a long time. I don't think I've laughed so hard in ages. It felt so good. I've missed this! I've been so worried the past few days that it was just awesome to forget about it all and just have a blast. I know that life throws curve balls, and in the back of my head I know it will all work out. I shouldn't be so hard on myself... I know this!!! I just had to get back to square one again. Life sometimes help me put things in perspective. Line up what really matters, ya know? I am glad for everything I've been though. It's making me strong. I am strong. I am strong, and smart, and pretty, and I am going to be great. LOL, because I'm smart enough, I'm good enough, and dog gone it, people like me. LOL. I know, I know, aol speak sucks, but bear with me. I'm on a roll here. A good roll, let me rant.

Ok, so the lump in my breast isn't good. It's going to be ok. Regardless. I have good friends, awesome family, and the most wonderful children in the world. Things are good. I have my own house, my own car, my bills are paid, and I'm doing it all myself. I have come so far in the past few years. I am not going to let a few little things set me back. They aren't worth it.

I know I tend to be negative a lot. I tend to let the past overshadow the possibility of the future, but this morning I woke up and it hit me. Things aren't so bad. I shouldn't let things get me down. It doesn't change things. All it does is make me more miserable. I am not a miserable girl. It doesn't suit me. I like having fun and totally plan on taking advantage of it.

The future will take care of itself. It's kind of funny because the minute I stop worrying about it something wonderful happens. ;)

Now, wish me luck on my tests! I haven't gotten much sleep, but I never do. I am looking foward to my weekend off!

I'm trying

2005-08-09T19:37:00.000-05:00

"You'll get over me soon."

HA! That's the thing. I never meant to HAVE to get over you. I never meant to let you in. I never meant for you to mean much of anything to me. So now when I am meaning to move on it's not going so well. I can hear you say, "it's only been a few hours, Brigette." Yeah, well, still, this isn't going so well. I talk to some guy and either all they want is sex, or we are talking and I'm like "yeah that's cool", but in my head I'm going "the mathmatician wouldn't do that, or would do that, or would like that..." I want to call you. I pick up the phone only to put it back down. I want to text you, but I'll break my fingers before I allow myself. I want to ask you, "Can this guy be real?" when I'm getting IM's from some guy who wants to come to my house. HA! Never! Who do you think I am? My exhusband? No stranger will ever be brought in my home.

I want to kick myself in the ass. In other news I had my exam today. I had an awful day at work, and I didn't even work today. I have a ton of stuff to do and no motivation to do any of it.

I have an appointment tommorrow for a nice big lump in my breast. I guess I will be going to the doctor by myself. This is probably for the best. I am stressing over this very very badly. I think it would probably be torture on anyone within 20 feet of me. For the record I hate August. I particularly hate the first two weeks in August. What was once a happy month has really turned out to be a shitfest the past few years.

If misery loves company, why am I alone?

2005-08-05T15:05:00.000-05:00

Shitty Day.

Shitty Week.

Shitty everything.

I had my certification tests today.

I had no sleep last night.

Fuck it all.

Depression, my old friend. I've missed you.

My poo hates me.

2005-08-04T22:51:00.000-05:00

I gave my dog a haircut today. I decided (being the tight ass that I am) that I could save the 20 bucks and just do it myself. I basically sheared my poor doggie to the skin. She is miserable and totally pissed off at me. It's kind of funny, but I feel so bad about it. The kids thought it was hilarious. Brenden said she looked like a lion when I had her all shaven except for her head. I love my son so much, he has this laugh that is just contagious. Mary does too. I am ready for school to start though. They are ready too. The bags are packed and ready by the door. The price of their after school program went up this year, I am kind of worried about making it. I want to provide for them the best I can. They are going to have to go without some things this year though. That's just life I guess.

My classes are going well. Tommorrow is the first of my three tests. I hope that I do well. It would probably be more beneficial to me to be studying than on the pc, but I've studied until I'm blue in the face. I think there is such a thing as "overkill" and I'm almost to that point.

I think that purpose of my blog evolved into a way of me being able to go back and look and see the obvious. Things I don't want to admitt to myself at the time. I do that a lot. I know what I am doing when I get myself all worked up, I rationalize it, and yet I still do it. Maybe it's a process that I'm going through and at least I am learning and moving foward? Maybe that is complete bullshit? Probably.

You know I was telling the mathmatician about Mary liking Jessica Simpson's song... I have to admitt it the more I hear it, the more I like it. I was actually dancing to it with Mary in the living room the other day. Oh, it's been a long day.

Waking up Terrified

2005-08-03T22:50:00.000-05:00

Last night I awoke to a horrible dream that my house was being broken into. I woke up and listened carefully for the intruders. I thought I heard voices. Terrified, I get out of bed to check on my children. The lights are off and the first few seconds finding the pull chain were awful. Light floods the room and I am the only one in it. I check the rest of my house only to find the children and I are the only occupants. It still made my adrenline flow and I couldn't sleep until after 3am.

I had lots of coffee for breakfast.

The Golden Years

2005-08-01T23:07:00.000-05:00

When people think about getting old some think about old men playing golf in pastel shirts and old women playing bridge. Some people see old men sitting on front porches and old women baking pastries while grandkids come in and out of the house. Some even see Grandpa in a speedo and Grandma wearing gaudy gold beads on some beach in Florida.

When I see old people I most usually see people who have had all of their possessions stripped away from them and homes full of memories reduced down to a box or two of belongings that they get to take with them to a tiny bedroom that they have to share with another person. I see people who have lain inactive for so long that their muscles have drawn and their fingers are twisted knots and their legs are intertwined so tightly that it seems nearly impossible to untangle them. I see women who used to have nice clothes that now have worn clothing that are stained and tattered from wear. I see men, who once were proud providers are now reduced to wheeling themselves in the hall searching out each other in companionship. Their war tattoos still blaze on their forearms, only the light in their eyes have dimmed. I see husbands and wives who no longer recognize each other when they pass in the hall. I see memory loss and sadness. I smell urine and feces. I don't see happy grandkids running about, or the smell of homemade pies. I hope and pray that I am never put in a nursing home to "live". I want to live to be an old lady with my husband (if I have one). I want our children to be a daily part of our lives. I want all of my children to know that we love them, and one night, I hope that we (the husband and myself) will go to bed and he will wrap his bony arms around my saggy body and we will both pass away in each others embrace. Our children will know we went happily and we will both be ready to go. Now, I know the chances of this happening are slim to none, but I do know that if I had to choose a death that would be it.

Vicious cycle

2005-08-01T18:43:00.000-05:00

Ok, can anyone guess that PMS and circumstancal events were the cause of the past couple of blogs? Since my last post I've gotten a couple of email demanding that I wake up and look around at the people who do care about me. I know there are people who care about me, I know that. What I was crying and whining about was something completely different. Something I probably know the answer to in my heart already. I just have to open my eyes and see it.

That's one of the worst things about me, the need for reassurance. I need it. I crave it, I want it. I don't necessarily get it.

You and Me

2005-07-30T03:27:00.000-05:00

Here we are again. It's 3 am. I feel like I'd have about a fifth of whiskey. My head is swimmy and I'm emotional for no fucking reason. I listen to sad songs and think about everyone who has passed through my life. All the friends I've had, laughed with and had good time with, now all are memories fading more and more every day. One day all those good times will be forgotten and people will be forgotten forever. I guess maybe it's the full moon that's making me nostalgic, or maybe the fact that when it's all over for the night and I go to get into bed I'm the only person in it. I guess I'm afraid of what I miss. I am afraid of admitting what I want outloud. I want someone to care when I get home. I want someone to care if I've had a shitty day, and care if I rent three sappy movies from Hastings. I want someone to care if I go out and dance with some random guy who ends up giving me his "business card" at the end of the night. I want someone to care, and tonight when I go to get into bed it will hit me once again that I don't have anyone that cares. I want to get what I give. Fuck, I want someone to actually take possession of my heart, not just let it come and go, wandering as it chooses. I want a confident man to say "I love you, you are mine, your heart belongs to me." I know this won't happen. I doubt at times that anyone would want to say that to me. I go through phases of wanting to be loved and wanting to push love away and out of my life. I think I want to push it away when I realize I was never really loved at all. I wonder sometimes if I will be one of those old ladies sitting on the porch alone, volunteering for interaction, and playing bingo. I wonder sometimes if I will even make it that far. It seems that life loves kicking me in the fucking teeth just when I get things going properly. What will happen is I will fall in love with a wonderful man, who actually loves me in return, I'll get married, have a big wonderful family and then, pow, I'll either get cancer and die, or something horrible will happen. I feel that I am a walking fucking curse. Don't touch, I'm deadly. I know, I'm being a little dramatic. I tend to suck all the anger back inside me and it seeps out as self loathing and passive aggression.

Shortened version of the entire blog: I'm lonely and I'm scared that I've fallen in love and now that I've admitted it to myself it's slipping away from me. Typical and predictable.

Bloggers Block

2005-07-28T21:27:00.000-05:00

I have a problem. I have a million words flowing inside my head, begging to be written down. I can't write a single word. I write and save the draft, and write some more, but I never publish any of it. I don't feel like I can. I know my readers vary from strangers to loved ones, and any of these people could probably talk to me for five minutes and I would tell them how I felt, but for some reason I can't seem to write the words down. I guess maybe I don't want to curse myself, or to make something seem less than what it really is to me. I don't know. I'm stuck. I can't imagine writing for a job. I would be eating Ramen Noodles for the rest of my life. I used to dream of going to NYC and becomming a writer, living in a tiny apartment with a cat overlooking central park. I love the city, but I don't think I could live there now. Nowdays I dream of walking across a stage, earning my own way, finding a job I love and a man who loves me and my children. I dream of love and babies and hardwork and sleepless nights. I dream of being a wife again, having dinner every night as a family, and going to bed with my husband, falling asleep on his arm as we watch tv.

Not too much to ask. Just too much to ask for right now. I hope that my future holds all of these things, but I'm one of those people who tend to expect the worst.

Going the Distance

2005-07-27T21:22:00.000-05:00

It's all kind of hit me today. I am exhausted. I'm not just a little tired, I'm dead dog tired. I think it's a mental as well as physical. The classes I'm doing are pretty much things I've already learned however, there is some new things that I have to learn that I'm really having to work on. My brain feels like my body does after a really hard work out. I am kind of glad that this class came when it did, it will help prepare me for the fall. Today was my breaking day though. I came home, sat on the couch and promptly fell asleep. In between the kids waking me up for one reason or another I got maybe an hour nap, something I haven't had in a while.

Say it Ain't So

2005-07-27T00:10:00.000-05:00

The other day the Mathmatican and I were discussing the fact that my children say "ain't". I distinctly remember saying, "I don't know where they got it from, I don't say it." I'll be damned if I haven't caught myself saying "ain't" like fifty times in the past four days! I know that I didn't used to say this word, but now it's like I have to include it in every sentence. I cursed myself.

I've been reading a book about ghosts. Now you all know that I love to scare myself. I love to be scared, but only when someone is here that I feel can protect me from my imagination. I have been terrifying myself at night for the past few nights and can't sleep without watching tv for a half hour before bed. I want to go to get a book of all the haunted places in Oklahoma and visit them. I know I probably won't sleep for a month after that, but still it would be a lot of fun.

I have so much to say, but everything that I want to write is wanting to come across as sappy and heartfelt, and I don't want to blog it for the world to read it.

maybe I'll try again tommorrow.

Patience

2005-07-15T02:08:00.000-05:00

The thoughts race behind my eyes
yearning for sleep to take you from me
longing for an end to my self made misery

Not again I say to myself
No more pain
please my heart pleads

Behind my lashes I take
your eyes, your smile, your hands
and I put them in an imaginary box

Behind my lashes I take
your voice, your smell, your taste
and I put them in my imaginary box

Savoring each one
as I put your memory away
to ease the pain

Then I hear your voice,
and out the box comes
I pull it out happily

just to drown
in it's contents
again

Ok, some sappy stuff I decided to write. I have my moments where all the goo has to just come out.

Chop Suey

2005-07-08T00:35:00.000-05:00

Tired would not be an appropiate word to describe how I feel. Beat down dog shit dead is more accurate. I've been working my ass off, trying to get ahead and it seems like I keep moving backwards. I guess I am just frusturated. There are days when I think everything is good, that I know what is going on with my life, and then there are days when I look around and go, "Why am I here, and how the hell did I get here?" I want things, I want basic things that aren't too out of the ordinary. Maybe I should make a list like kids do.

Bib's Wish List:

To get to sleep in until noon and wake up only to go back to sleep on the couch watching tv.

To take a bath that is so full of bubbles and stick my toes out of the water, with a candle or two around the tub.

To be able to go to the bathroom without someone either opening the door, standing at the door, putting their toes, hands, and other body parts under the door.

To watch a movie, without having to get up to do anything.

To lose 15 lbs off my fat ass.

To know deep in my heart that someone loves me. Not a selfish love, but a strong, caring, feel it in your soul type of love.

To be able to eat blackberries all summer long.

To be able to show the people I love how much I love them.

To be able to play with my kids more. It seems I am so busy all I have time for is the necessary stuff and the 20 minutes of playtime before it's bedtime.

To be the best parent I can be. I feel so often that I try so hard only to fail.

To be able to ride in a hot air balloon.

To be able to close my eyes and imagine myself anywhere in the world, and when I open them I'd be there.

I think maybe I'm just tired tonight. My list could be long, so I'll stop it here. I wish for so many things, I hope for so many things, but in the back of my mind I wonder if I'll ever have any of them. I am the type of person who likes to have things spelled out to them. I like knowing and hearing something. Seeing it in black and white as well as from the horses' mouth. When I don't get that I start to worry. I worry about everything. Right now I'm worried that Dragon, (who is on the porch) will fall off of the porch and hang himself on his leash. I know.. I know... I'm retarded.

In the end I just want to be happy. I just want to know that all that I've done and have gone through hasn't been for nothing.

It's 3am I must be lonely.

2005-07-01T03:58:00.000-05:00

Ok, I stole the title from a lyric. I woke up suddenly and just had to download a song. I'm in a funky mood. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I am tired, maybe it's because I can't sleep. I've heard that music promotes brain acivity. If this is true then my entire mind is full of billboards and representatives for critical thinking, only no brain cells are buying. I love the guitar riff of Staind's song, Right Here. It is awesome. The words of the song are touching. Staind is such a get drunk and wallow in self pity band. Where's the beer? Radiohead says that I'm a creep. I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? You are so very special. I wish I was special. Edwin McCain says tell me that we belong together. He'll be captivated, hang from my lips, and he'll be my crying shoulder. Babyface says he pretends that he's glad I went away. These four walls closing more everyday. He's dying inside and nobody knows it but me.

I think what is bothering me is the death of a good man. A good husband. A good father. The kind of guy you would give your car keys too and let him go to your car while you were inside. The kind of guy who if he forgot his wallet and promised to bring you that dollar he owed you, he could be counted on to bring that dollar back to you. The kind of guy who loved his children and wife, gave them what he didn't have as a child, yet tried to teach them humility and kindness. He was the kind of man who had smile lines, sparkling blue eyes and a handsome face. He adopted his nephew and great niece. He was raising both as his children, giving them all the love that he gave his natural born children. There was no difference made. A genuine gentleman. A rare find.

I have put off mourning his death, pushed it away in the back of my mind. I've said "wow, unbelievable" but haven't really dealt with it. I kept thinking, what if it were me, and my daddy? I put myself in his daughters place. He has three girls. How would I feel losing my dad in my early twenties. I don't' know how I would deal with not having my Dad there to see me marry, have my first child, see my family grow. I think of all the life that he will be missing, and I know that his girls will miss him so. It breaks my heart. His sons. How do they feel, not having him around. Not being able to go golfing with Dad, or have him to go to when there is a problem. I can't imagine not having my Dad to go to and ask for help or advise or just to talk. Lastly my heart aches for his wife. They were married 25 years. Can you imagine? They had just moved to Florida, and sold their house here. Can you imagine being all alone in a new state knowing that your husband is never coming home? The man who has been there every night for more than half your life is now lying cold in the ground? The father of your children, the man of your house, your protector and confidant gone forever. I can't imagine the pain and heartache the family is going through. The funeral was today, and I really wanted to go and pay my last respects, but I could not go. I could not face their family, see their sadness and leave and go back to my happy life knowing that theirs would never be the same. If I were to lose my Dad I don't know if I would want a bunch of people around. I don't know if I could be there to bury him, and I don't know if I would be worth a shit to anyone for a long time after that. I pray that he didn't suffer, and I hope that he went at a happy time in his life. As far as his family is concerned, I don't think there are going to be any happy times in the near future.

It just goes to show how quick our lives can be over. If you love someone, tell them, because you never know when this careless goodbye will be the last goodbye. I want to go and hug my Dad. I wish I could go back about 20 years, crawl up and sit in his lap, rubbing his whiskers with my hand and tell him how much I love him while he rocks me in that old brown chair. I don't ever want to forget the smell of his clothes when he came home from the oil field, or the honesty and dedication in his work. I don't ever want to forget his eyes or his laugh. I don't want to forget the way he talks to himself when he's busy or the way he will snap out a tune and dance a jig. I don't ever want to forget the way he's quick to help me, and eager to teach me. I don't want to forget his stories, all told before bedtime with me lying in the safest place in the world, the crook of my Daddies arm. I don't want to forget how he's taught me to be kind a patient and let the little things slide. I don't want to forget the way he's showed me how he loves my mom. How he's taught me that I deserve nothing less from a man. My Dad is a good man also. A dying breed. He has his flaws, as we all do, but at the end of the day he has always been one of the best people I've ever known.

This is the song that woke me out of bed. In my mind I could see Darrell walking away from his family, they were watching after him, wanting him to come back to them.

Take A Look At Me Now

How Can I just let you walk away?
Let you leave without a trace?
When I stand here taking every breath with you.
You're the only one who really knew me at all.

How can you just walk away from me,
When all I can do is watch you leave
Because we've shared the laughter and the pain and even shared the tears
You're the only one who really knew me at all.

So take a look at me now,
oh there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me,
just the memory of your face
Ooh take a look at me now,
well there's just an empty space
And you coming back to me is against all odds and that's what I've got to face

I wish I could just make you turn around,
turn around and see me cry
There's so much I need to say to you,
so many reasons why
You're the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now,
well there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me,
just the memory of your face
Now take a look at me now, cos there's just an empty space

But to wait for you,
is all I can do and that's what I've got to face
Take a good look at me now,
cos I'll still be standing here
And you coming back to me is against all odds
It's the chance I've gotta take

Take a look at me now

Hippy Bathday to Me!

2005-06-28T21:12:00.000-05:00

Today I am 27. I don't feel any older than I did at 24, 25, or 26. In fact it's hard for me to remember all of my birthdays. I remember some as a kid, the orange nail polish my aunt Sherri got me for my 13th. The cakes, the hot summer parties, with all the family milling around talking and visiting. The Rocker Barbie I got for one birthday, I also got a George Michael t-shirt (yes I'm admitting this) and a molly ringwald poster. I remember my 19th birthday pretty well. I was pregnant with Brenden. He was due July 2, 1997. I was huge and swollen. I had retained so much water I felt like a water bottle. I remember not doing a whole lot that day, just sitting around being miserable. My ex husband had to work that night so there was nothing planned but for me to go down to my mom's which I did every night that he worked and he would pick me up when he got off. That afternoon my Granny called, asked how I was doing and wished me happy birthday. I remember walking outside and watering my plants while I talked to her on the phone. I looked at the sky and we talked about rain. How we needed rain and how it looked like it could storm. After the phone call with Gran my ex and I stood in our drive looking at our yard for a few minutes. I remember he was wearing his bright turquiose shirt. We then got into the bright turquoise car and he took me the block to my mom's. When getting out of the car I felt this funky *pop* as I stood up. I didn't pay much attention other than to note it and go on into the house. I walked in, talked to mom a couple of minutes and then went to go use the bathroom. I felt like I had to pee and I even felt as though I had peed myself a little. This was nothing new, because everytime the baby moved it seemed I peed my pants. Dad was in the bathroom and when he's in there "roosting" he can be there a while. Who needs a library when there is a bathroom? Anyway, back to my story. Dad was on the throne so I went down to the shop bathroom. This is not the bathroom at the Hilton. This is a dirty nasty oil field bathroom. Now, I have to give my mom credit, she did keep it as clean as possible, but it was still dirty. I went down there and used it, but when I stood up I "peed" on myself even more. I thought to myself, did my water break? Surely not. I go up to the house and tell mom what's going on. She thinks we should go to the hospital so we tell Dad and thirty minutes later he comes out of the bathroom. Dad doesn't think we should go. He doesn't want it to be a false alarm. After a few minutes of leaking fluid we decide it's time. I call Theo at Taco Bell, and ask him to tell the ex where I am going. Away to Valley View we go. At the hospital the ex meets us shortly after we arrive. I am tested by the nurse there, and sure enough it's amniotic fluid. I then have an IV started and a lovely drug called pitocin induced into my blood stream. Pitocin is used to speed labor and harden contractions. It hurts like a mean bitch to put it nicely. Hours go by and the pitocin doses keep getting larger. My labor doesn't progress at all. I have only dilated to a mere 4 cm. The doc then does an epidural, the ex and I both hated the anesthialogist. He was such an asshole. I was then numb from the waist down. I still didn't progress. After 16 hours I was taken into the operating room where I gave birth via c-section to a beautiful baby boy. He was the most wonderful present I've ever gotten for my birthday.

Tommorrow is his birthday. I have to work. I hope to have him a party this weekend. It's hard to believe that my baby boy will be 8 years old. He is such a kind and caring person. Yes, he farts and pipes up "guilty" and he baits his sister and then tattles when she goes ballistic. He also asks if she wants him to carry her up to the house when she gets a thorn scratch on her knee. He also will come up to me and give me a big hug and tell me he loves me out of no where. He will let his sister sleep in the middle so that she won't be scared. He will hold my hand while we are driving and tell me about games he likes to play. He is the sweetest boy I know, and I'm so proud he is mine. Those big blue eyes smiling at me. I love the way he laughs and the way he is so mush like me when it comes to just letting hurtful things go. I watch him play with his dog, running around with his shirt off, insisting on wearing jeans in the summer and I know that he will be a good man. I will do my best in seeing that he will make a good husband, father, and friend.

TMI- what exactly is too much?

2005-06-23T10:39:00.000-05:00

I was told recently that "he" didn't understand how I could have a blog. So open, a direct link to my thoughts. What I put here is for anyone to read. An open road to what's going on in my life, what is happening in my heart. Honestly, I don't understand it either. There are times when I just want to close this damn thing and not bother with having a blog. The funny thing is, it's a release. An outlet for a few of the things that I can remember at the end of the day. I have so much going on, so honestly other activities aren't really possible at this time. I was reading other blogs this morning and I know that I'm not as open as some, not as political as others, not as hateful, or as loving. I'm kind of just here stuck in the middle. My blog isn't for any of you to keep track of me, it's mainly for me. I know I forget lots of things. The way a smile made me feel. The bat of an eyelash. Even the way the water felt when a single drop ran down my chest, into my bra and under my breast. I don't want to forget some things. I guess this is my way of preserving memories. I know that I'm not a very exciting person, but I am pretty happy with who I am. I don't think I need to be exciting. I just want to be good. A good person that my kids will be proud of.

I don't know if anyone else goes through this, but there are times when my brain yearns for knowledge. There are times when I feel like my brain gets foggy and slow. I long to learn more. I want to sharpen my mind and learn as many things as possible. I'm not just talking about book work, although lord knows I still need plenty of that, but skills as well. There are so many things that we can learn to do if we only take the time. I used to say that when I was an old lady I wanted to be able to look back on how full my life was. I still agree with that. Speaking of being an old lady, my and Bren's birthday's are coming up. I am trying to come up with a really cool birthday cake idea for him. I want it to be fun and special, just like he is.

Days Go By

2005-06-23T01:03:00.000-05:00

It seems like this summer is just flying by. The kids are having such a fun time. This afternoon I was sitting on the back porch resting a minute before going up to my house and Mary and Bren were out in the back yard. Mary was watering flowers and stopped to get a drink. She got her sundress completely wet in the front. I looked at her and she shrugs her shoulders and says, "it's ok, it's too hot." A couple of minutes later Bren was in control of the hose and the wather was flying. He mananged to spray Mary a few times inducing high pitched squeals from my daughter. Bren then laid the hose down to talk to PePa. Mary picks it up and douses Bren and anyone else who was in a three feet radius. Bren laughed and ran and then declared he had a water hose of his own, he was going to pee on his sister. I quickly advised him not to and told him that he could NOT under ANY circumstances ever pee on anyone.

Last night when I got home we worked at my house for a while and then had a weenie roast. It was a lot of fun. Shanna and Cody made the fire and fixed up everything so it was ready to go when we got finished. It was a lot of fun roasting the weenies and marshmallows over the fire. The moon was coming up and it was just a beautiful night. It made me want to go camping so much.

I am hoping that I will be in my house by next week. All the utilities are finished and I'm just waiting on the rest of my hardwood flooring to be completed. There is still a lot of work to do before it will be how I want it, but I will be grateful to be able to move in. I am excited.

Words aren't always easy to say. Actions often say more than words could ever dream. I believe that while words can be beautiful and poetic, actions are often foolproof and heartfelt. I don't know why I rely so much on words, when I am sure my actions say much more than words can.

I am not sure where I get these tiny bits of wisdom. I am sure they are probably just biproducts of insomnia. I need some good sleep. I am afraid it will be a little while before I am able to have any quality sleep though.

2005-06-19T22:19:00.000-05:00

This weekend was by far the best one I've had in a long time. I will try not to be a gushy girl, well, maybe I will be a gushy girl. It's my blog, I can be gushy if I see fit. I may even change my text to pink. I haven't talked much about my personal life on here lately, but I must say my guy made me a very happy girl this weekend. I could go on and on about how sweet and handsome he is, but that's really none of any of anyone's business. I had an early birthday. It was nice. I had a great meal with grilled lobster tail. It was wonderful. A very tasty treat.

I have to say though, that my heart is running away with itself and the more cautious side of me sneaks out. I keep telling myself to stop, listen and look, but when I do everything says "it's ok". I keep wondering when the black rain cloud that's followed me around for so long will show back up and begin to rain on me again. I feel like that maybe I have lost that dark sucker for good, but I'm too pessimestic to actually say that out loud.

I am waiting on my babes, they have been to their mema's and I'm dying to see them. I hope they hurry up! It is good for them to get away and see their other family members but I sure do miss them when they are gone. I just feel better having them with me, knowing that they are ok. Seeing those big blue eyes and pretty smiles. I can't wait until they come barging through the door with shouts of who did what over the weekend.

I feel like the song " Beautiful Mess" by Diamond Rio

Going out of my mind these days
Like I'm walkin' round in a haze
I can't think straight,
I can't concentrate
And I need a shave

I go to work and I look tired
The boss man says "Son, you're gonna get fired"
This ain't your style,
and from behind my coffee cup
I just smile

what a beautiful mess I'm in
spending all my time with you
there's nothing else I'd rather do
what a sweet addicition that I'm caught up in
I can't get enough
can't stop the hunger for your love.

Anyway, I feel like this song. I do the dorkiest shit nowdays. Wait... I have always done the dorkiest shit, it's just more obvious now. I'm going to go take a shower and hope that my kids are home by the time I get out.

Water, cool cool water

2005-06-14T23:01:00.000-05:00

Finally this evening I was blessed with running water. No leaks. Finally. Now, tommorrow I get to call and get a meter set so I can start gettng another bill. What fun. I am happy and frusturated though. I am so ready to have my own place. I am grateful to my parents for everything they have done, but I am so freaking tired of waiting. I want my own place so bad I can taste it. Now all that needs to be done is running the gas line and finishing the hardwood floors. My dad is talking about twenty other projects and I'm just begging him to PLEASE get it where I can move in. I can do the other projects when I'm moved in. I miss having my space. Having my things. Having my own kitchen. I MISS that. I miss having my mixer and bowls and pans, and knowing what's in my cupboard, and where it's going to be, and how much I have. I haven't had my own place in a long time and I'm just ready to be out of here. I could never be one of those grown adults who live with their parents. I would go crazy. I am going crazy. I am going to try and get some sleep. Good luck to me on that. I've got about ten different things going on in my head, the "what should I do blues" will be in full force tonight.

Here Without You

2005-06-13T20:12:00.000-05:00

The smell of my spaghetti sauce flows through the house, I'm writing this while waiting for my noodles to get tender. I love spaghetti. I remember being a child, eating the yummy stuff until I was so full I was miserable. I love the cheese, all melty on the top, with garlic toast. I'm making myself hungry. While I'm partial to homemade sauce, I'm not really picky. I can make some good spaghetti sauce though. The only thing that gets me are my kids. Brenden hates sauce, and only wants the noodles. Mary doesn't like spaghetti sauce at all, yet these two kids LOVE spaghettio's. How is that possible? How did this happen? I am making a decent meal and all these two want are a nasty canned pasta. Go figure.

Today we were teaching Dragon how to fetch. He is doing great. He is such a great puppy. I have procrastinated to the point where I have a ton of stuff to do.

I would love one day where I didn't have to do anything. Unfortunately, today isn't it.

Let the Good Times Roll

2005-06-04T23:14:00.000-05:00

Vacation had officially started. Here are a few of my pics so far. I played the lottery tonight, so the gambling has begun. I'll keep yall posted. I am happy to be on vacation, happy to be getting away, I only wish I had brought my human calculator with me. What will I do if I need to convert Celsius to Fahrenheit? Or better yet... calculate my odds of winning?

Mary, Jo and Cody ready to hit the road

The Coolest girls I know

Mom and Bib having a good time so far!

This was the ceiling of our restaurant. Pretty cool at the time.

My heart still beats even though I'm drowing.

2005-06-02T01:40:00.000-05:00

Tonight leaving work, the air was warm, but not too hot; the sky was still a brilliant blue, with a couple of brilliant white clouds in the sky. I fell in love with Oklahoma all over again. The green grass, the blue skies, and the warm nights. I am finally seeing it the way I saw PA. The beauty I couldn't see before, when I took it all for granted. On the drive home I rolled the windows down and cranked up Elton John's Tiny Dancer. Singing about pretty eyes and pirate smiles I was reminded of Mary. How she has this great big belly laugh, and those long pretty eyelashes.

Today I was talking with a coworker. He just graduated from ECU and is starting on his masters next week. I am very proud of him, and hope that he does well. Ultimately he wants to coach at a University. I hope he achieves his goal. Part of me gets so frusturated with myself when I think about it. I am a smart girl. I don't mean this in a stuck up I'm so great way, just in a way that I know I am a fast learner and crave knowledge. When I graduated I had scholarships waiting on me. I had every opportunity to go to school, and I wasted my time. I screwed around and didn't do the best I could. When I look back, I could be already finished if I had just buckled down and got my stuff together. I know, looking back on what could have been is a waste of time. I just wish I had done more. I had so much potential that I sank into crappy jobs. I know, I have my kids. I know I spent a lot of my time being a mother. I don't regret my children at all, and would gladly toss my scholarships to the side again for them. However there is a part of me that wishes I could have seen what might have been. I know that I will. I know that I'll get through school soon enough and I've got a ton of life experiences to keep me going when the going gets tough. I was just daydreaming about what could have been. I will be 27 next month. If I had stayed with my "plan" in highschool I would have been an English teacher for a few years now. I know things happen for a reason. I am happy with the way things are now. Maybe had I finished school at 23 I would have no life experiences and be a sad miserable person. I don't know. It doesn't matter. I will make it. I have total faith in myself. I know it will be hard and tiring at times, but I know that I can do whatever I set my mind to do.

I am going to rub my legs down and go to bed. Putting my hardwood floor down has really done a number on my knees. Sure I got a lot of jokes today at work when I complained about my knees hurting. I just laughed and told them how hard and slick my floor was, and how I liked to slide on it..... in my socks of course. My coworkers and I get along really well, for that I am thankful.

I can't think straight, can I borrow your brain?

2005-06-01T01:27:00.000-05:00

I have tried twice to write a new post, but I just can't think clearly. I start to write about something new, and I get half way through a post and stop. There is so much that I want to put out there, so much that I can write about, but I can't get my brain and fingers to cooperate with me. I feel like my brain has turned to green jello.

I have finally gotten started on putting my hardwood floor down. Hopefully sometime in the next century I will be able to move into my house. My cabinets look pretty good also. I am proud of all of the hard work that we have done. Part of me wants to plant a flower garden now, but I know realistically that I need to wait. I can't wait to set up my swimming pool and lie on my floatee in the middle of the night, with the stars bright above me. I want to grill out on the back porch light a couple of misquito repelling candles and have a drink as the sun sets. I will have these things. I know I will, it just takes time. It is worth it. It's been a lot of hard work, but I know it will be worth it.

I am going to try and get some sleep. I've got work tommorrow.

I've thought about closing my blog. Not writing anymore. It seems that I've not been writing much anymore. I'm afraid I'm not very entertaining to anyone. Well, not that I ever was entertaining.

Blue eyes crying

2005-05-30T00:45:00.000-05:00

It's been a good day. I've been reading Brooke Shields book about her experience with post partum depression. It affects so many women, and people don't even realize it. I had PPD after I had Brenden. I am not exactly sure what triggered it. Maybe having a baby so suddenly, or being thrust into marriage and then motherhood. It was horrible though. Thoughts that I would have never had the courage to voice went through my mind. I am glad that it is all over and done with. I was a lot better with Mary, and I hope that when I have another child it will be even easier than the last two.

To be honest with all of you, I don't have anything that I wish to voice outloud right now. I could go on and on about certain things, but sometimes it's better to keep the good things quiet.

I can't find any concrete shoes, and my heart has floated away

2005-05-26T20:10:00.000-05:00

I got my acceptance letter today. It's official. I'm accepted and expected in the fall class. I am just ecstatic about this news. I had been hoping and although confident I didn't want to get my hopes up to high.

Brenden made me so proud today. I took them out for lunch and he actually ran in front of me to open the door for me. He filled our drink and told our server thank you several times. He was such a little gentleman and so grown up that I was just filled with pride for my little man. He is such a good boy. He really tries hard and makes me so proud. We were talking today and it's hard to believe that my boy is getting so big. While we were sitting at our table discussing the assination of President Lincoln it hit me. My son is growing up. Although this immediately brought back a conversation that I had yesterday over dinner, I pushed THAT out of my mind and focused more on my boys bright smile, and easy going attitude.

How many of you remember the smell of summer? The smell that kids have? The mixture of sweat, dirt, candy, Koolaid, and hours and hours of sun. My daughter is sitting next to me and she smells like summer. She needs a bath.

I have also found that the best art I've ever seen is in the Smithsonian. I went to the Art Museum at OU yesterday and we discovered that neither of us really liked all the abstract, artsy fartsy stuff. I am more into art with detail involved. Detail and skill. Don't throw dots onto a canvas and call it art. That's not art. Painting a countryside scenery down to the very last detail is art. Although I think the jury is still out of what exactly that small oblong piece of wood actually was in that painting. ;)

I've been told many many MANY times that just as I start getting close to someone I put up a wall and block them out. Just when someone is starting to know me well, starting to know how I feel, I tend to shut them out. I know I do this to a point. I know it's a defense mechanicism. I don't want rejection, and to be hurt, so I just put up a wall to protect myself. I caught myself doing that this morning. At the time I couldn't say what was on my mind. I just put it off and said nothing. While I am still terrified of what repercussions my words and thoughts might have I have decided that I will not put up my wall. I will just say what I have to say, and if I'm hurt, then, well, it won't be the first time. I just hope I don't lose my nerve. Hopefully I'm finished with masonry. Hopefully I'm finished with the wall business for good.

I bought some steaks and I think I'm going to go fire up the grill. Steaks, salad, and potatoes. Sound good?

I need a pair of concrete shoes for my helium heart

2005-05-21T19:35:00.000-05:00

Har Hors was good. I won't go into details for the sake of any of you who have not seen the movie. I don't know if I want to take Bren to see it or not. I haven't decided yet. I had a really good time seeing it though. Speaking of Bren and Mary I took a couple of pictures of us today, I'll probably post them here, but what's so funny is Mary was furious I was going to iron her dress before letting her wear it. How dare I not want her to walk around in wrinkles! So she was standing in the doorway with this awful mean/sad look on her face and I took a picture of her. She was SO mad. She ran and threw herself on the bed. I had to explain to her that it wasn't going to be the end of the world. I had her get up and got her dress ready and then took a picture of us together.

My mother can succeed in embarrassing the everloving daylights out of me. What mother can't, right? My mom is like a fierce little stick of dynomite. She loves with all her heart and has a quick temper to go with it. She defends her family and is also the very first one to say something when she dissagrees with you. I love her very much, and appreciate the fact that she does love her family the way she does. However, when she's chewing your ass on the phone I just want to drag out a big school bus picture that says, Brigette- Kindergarten and paste it to my shirt. I wonder if Brenden feels the same way? I have to admit, I love with all my heart, but don't really get into the ass chewing. What does it do other than cause tension and grief? It rarely changes anything.

2005-05-21T17:44:00.000-05:00

Brenden and Mom

2005-05-21T17:43:00.000-05:00

Mary and Mom.

Seeing Things Differently

2005-05-20T09:30:00.000-05:00

It's been a while since I last posted. Things have been fairly busy around here, but honestly, when am I not busy? This past week I got my new soft contacts. I have worn hard and gas permeable contacts for the past 20 years. I am used to the hard contacts and have been having an awful time getting used to these soft ones. Not only to they cover up a lot more of my eye than I'm used to, the idea of pinching my eyeball to get a contact out is not something I've comepletely gotten used to. The hard contacts also offer a sharper vision than the soft ones do. The lack of sharpness makes me feel like these soft contacts need a good cleaning all the time. I am doing better though, and maybe I can wear these soft little discs all day long today without going insane.

I had my nursing interview last week. It went well. I believe that I'm more than likely going to be in the next class. I'm knocking on wood right now after saying that. Fate has a weird way of knocking me on my ass if I get too confident. Nothing like being knocked flat on your face to bring you down a notch or two. Anyway, I think it went well.

I have some weird Sex Search virus on my computer. No, I haven't been searching for sex, but at the most inopportune moments I will have this web page featuring seminaked women pop up out of the blue. This is not good when you are say... looking at cartoonnetwork.com with your kids.

I am going to go see Har Hors today. That is Star Wars for yall. When Brenden was a little kid he loved Star Wars and used to call it Har Hors. I am excited about seeing it. I'm not going to go all geeky on you and give a full out movie review, but I can't wait to see it.

This is about everything that's been going on. Mary is asleep beside me. I can't seem to get more than four hours of sleep lately, no matter if I have to be up or not, I can't seem to move past the four hour mark. The birds are fighting outside my window and it looks like it's going to be beautiful out there today.

dreaming of sleep, sleeping to dream

2005-05-13T01:20:00.000-05:00

I love this song.. I want this song to be a reality to me. I want a man who tells me these things and I want to belive what he says without doubt in my mind. It's such a beautiful song and right now I've listened to it about fifty times. It has put me in such a sweet romantic mood I had better go to bed before I have butterflies and roses flowing out of my fingers and onto my blog. My blog isn't for butterflies and roses, I'll save those for my dreams. Night Yall.

Making Memories of Us: By Keith Urban

I'm going to be here for you baby
I'll be a man of my word
Speak the language in a voice that you have never heard.

I want to sleep with you forever
And I want to die in your arms
In a cabin in a meadow where the wild bees swarm

I'm going to love you
Like nobody loves you
I'll earn your trust making memories of us

I want to honor your mother
I want to learn from your pa
I want to steal your attention like a bad outlaw

I want to stand out in a crowd for you
A man among men
I want to make your world better than it's ever been.

I going to love you
Like nobody loves you
I'll earn your trust making memories of us

We'll follow the rainbow
Wherever the four winds blow
There will be a new day come your way

I'm going to be here for you from now on
This you know somehow
You've been stretched to the limits but it's all right now
I'm going to make you a promise
If there's life after this,
I'm going to be there to meet you with a warm wet kiss.

I'm going to love you
Like nobody loves you.
I'll win your trust making memories of us.

Chronicles of Riddickulous

2005-05-10T20:50:00.000-05:00

My momma and me!

I'm grateful work is over for a couple of days. I am tired. Tonight after work Dad had me help him stack wood against the barn. The kids helped us too. We got that done and cleaned out my mom's dog pens. She raises poodles for anyone wondering. Then, we come into the house to make dinner. My daughter immediatly starts asking about her "goop". I have no idea what this goop is. I ask her and she is blubbering something about a pink plastic baggie from Mrs. Scott. I look, she looks, Brenden looks, but we cannot find the pink baggie. Finally my Dad comes in and Mary corners him talking a mile a minute when each word getting higher and higher pitched. Dad said he doesn't remember where he saw it last, that it may have gotten thrown away. Sooo, to make a long story short I end up going out to the garbage cans and digging through the trash searching for this mysterious pink baggie. I am praying the entire time that I don't put my hands on something gross, and that I'll find this bag in the first trashbag I pilfer through. Luckily, I find it. Mary shouts with happiness, and wants it right then. I take it in the house and wash the bag off wondering what in the world this stuff is. Mary instructs me to put it in a bowl, so I open the baggie and caustiously start trying to pour the pink goop into a bowl. I quickly realize that it's cornstarch, a little bit of water, and pink food coloring. If I had only known I wouldn't have dug in the trash! Mary played with her goop maybe 10 minutes before it was old news. It's now sitting safely in it's plastic baggie awaiting it's next play time. I can't say a word though, because I remember being just about Mary's age and my granny mixing cornstarch and water for me and Brandy to play with. We were facinated on how it was hard, yet when you stirred it, it became liquid. I just smile and watch my girl as she mushes her fingers in the pink goo, remembering when I did the same thing standing at my grannies kitchen cabinet.

Ok, this has gotten me thinking about old stuff. I may repeat somethings that have already been said on this blog, but I'm getting old, so I can do that. I forget easily. When I was a little girl my Gran would take an raw egg and decorate it by putting a face on it. Kind of like Humpty Dumpty. Then, she would make a tiny hole in the shell at the top and the bottom of the egg. She did this for each of us kids. Then we would lean over the sink and blow the contents of the egg out, leaving only the empty shell. We would then glue paper arms and legs on our egg people and would have a fun time playing with our delicate treasures.

Another time Brandy and I were playing house in the back yard. Granny had this long bench out in her backyard under two giant old oak trees. We were equipped with all of our kitchen supplies, measuring cups, we had gotten some eggs from the hen house, snagged some oats from granny's kitchen, and had our fair share of sticks, mud, grass, persimmions, you know, all your basic kitchen essentials. :) We had been baking mud pies for a long time when it got around to our "boyfriends" coming to dinner. We then started to argue about who got Michael for their boyfriend. Michael Jackson. We loved him, had a huge crush on him, and were both going to be his girlfriends one day. Big laugh now, huh? The fight ensued until we decided that the only way to compromise was that one of us would pretend to be Michael, but who? How, we weren't black... he was black back then.. but wait, ahhh HA! The idea hit our brains like lightening. Our mud pies became our skin. We ran around butt naked covered in egg and mud, being Michael Jackson.

I think that's all I'll post for tonight. I've been reading some old posts, kind of following my journey from the wreck that came to Francis, to the who I am now. I think I've come far. I'm sorry for the hurt I've caused along the way, as it was never my intention, only my ignorance.

2005-05-09T22:40:00.000-05:00

Mary, Mary, why ya buggin'?

The cutest boy ever!

You say Delta, I say triangle, it's all Greek to me.

2005-05-08T10:02:00.000-05:00

I never belonged to anything in college except for the "new freshmans club" which consisted of me, walking around with my head up my ass. J belonged to Kappa Kappa Psi, a band fraternity. I have never really wanted to belong to a sorority, I often felt that the young girls in a sorority were often plastic. Meaning that if you ripped them out of their designer jeans, cutesy shoes and scrubbed off all that makeup you wouldn't recognize who was underneath. I've never been into being one of "those girls". My sister belongs to "the smart nerds club" Honors Student Association I believe it's called. It's for everyone who has kept an average above 3.6. If the B letter is mentioned around my sister she freaks. I won't say anything because I know I will be exactly the same way. Only I'll be the mom with cheerios stuck to her paper and running into class late because I accidently switched backpacks with Mary and didn't realize until I had gotten halfway to class. I am proud of my sister. Proud of her drive and dedication to stay true to her goals. The other day I went in to pick up the kids at extended day and I just watched my sister with those children. She was doing so well, so in her element. I was so proud of her, then I was roped into the room where I ended up playing mad chaos, fruit basket turnover, and my ship goes sailing with all of them. I think a lot of the kids thought that Brenden and Mary had the coolest family. Not only was their aunt super cool, but their mom too! That makes me want to laugh, because I tend to be a big kid myself. It keeps me young. I love to bounce out on the trampoline, or race bubba on the bike, or take them to the park and play. I worry a lot about being the best mom I can be for my kids. I know that they are fragile and that they are the biggest blessing I have ever received. Trying to find that balance between being the "bad guy" and being the mom is difficult at times. My children make me proud, I hope that I can make them proud too. Today is Mother's Day. I hope my mother realizes how grateful I am to have her. She has done a lot for me in the years and I think we have finally found a neutral ground that we can both stand on and respect each other. She is the friend to me that will always be there. She is the lady who nagged my ass until I wanted to scream, and the woman I assured myself I would NEVER be like, yet I am in so many ways. I am thankful she is in my life. So everyone, give your moms a hug.

There is a beautiful morning in my window. I think I will go put on some coffee for my parents, and hopefully if I'm lucky there will still be some Irish Cream in there to toss in mine. That's pretty much the only way I can drink coffee, is if it's really cold outside or it's got sugar and cream. Oh, and hot chocolate in coffee is excellent. This is a little trick I showed Jay. Take a packet of hot chocolate mix and stir it in with coffee. Yum. This makes me think of the mad TV skit with Lorraine at Starbucks. Hilarious.

Lord, help me endure my blessings.

2005-05-06T21:59:00.000-05:00

My daughter is possessed. All week long my pretty, sweet, docile little girl has been traded in for a wild, rowdy, bossy, demanding, whining little houseape. We are talking jumping off of the couch, back talking, whining with every word she says, and fighting with her brother. I am at my wits end. She says she doesn't want to eat anymore because she's "fat". She said her father told her she was fat so she wanted me to tell the school that she wouldn't have to eat anymore. Needless to say it's been a chore all week just getting her to eat. Just now she came in here with one of those little ice breaker balls. "mama what's this?" she asks. "It's a breath mint, Mary." "Can I eat it?" She then proceeds to hold the little ball up to her eye and bust it. Red hot liquid squirts into her eye and the screaming ensues. Half an hour later she's resting beside me, patting my back, talking away. Can I just have Mary back? Who is this nervous, uptight, hyper child that came home to me?

Other than that, it's been a pretty uneventful week.

Holla Back Girl

2005-04-28T08:36:00.000-05:00

I don't know if any of you have heard this new Gwen Stefani song, but it immediately takes me back to highschool and I want to start chanting BHS is the BEST!! It's a cute song. I think it will get old quickly though. It'll be like that Montel Jordan song.. "This is how we do it". That was big my senior year, that and Hotstepper, I think was the name. It's kind of funny thinking back now. I am kind of digging Karma by Alicia Keys. Go figure, right? Anyway, to my point, if there is one. I was rereading some of my posts the other day and I realized just how down I sound. I don't want my blog to read as a pity party for myself... I'm not the type of person who will sit around wanting someone to cry for me. This is just my place to free throw my thoughts into the air and get it all out. I don't intend to quit doing that. My point is, I am going to try to be a little more positive. All things happen in this life for a reason. Everything I have been through and have put people through has made me stronger. I honestly feel that life holds a lot more for me, and that I will be happy. Heck, I am ten thousand times happier now than I was three years ago. SO in order to try and set things on a more positive note I am going to list some of the things I like, or that I remember fondly.

Learning to line dance in my dad's shop with my sister.
The Cello, I love the hauntingly sad sounds it makes.
The sunflower Jay sent me when I had surgery.
The smell of a man's cologne, when the man is next to me.. Not when it's in the bottle.
Remembering the time Jay was attacked by the squirrel.
Mary putting her head on my shoulder while we are reading a book.
The way Brenden will grab my hand when we walk.
Remembering the time Justin stuck a paperclip in the electric socket.. Still makes me laugh even now...
Remembering putting the cast on Ron's lock at work.
The smell of my lilac bush.
The smell of mimosa blossoms... poison but beautiful and fragrant, like me..
The feeling of the sun beating down on my shoulders on a spring day.
Working out until I finally start to sweat, I love that feeling, the rush.
Remembering the time J went into the women's restroom in Washington DC.
Remembering J at the turn pike... Still makes me laugh.
Putting Kel in his place, God I so stood up for myself and it felt so good..
freshly painted toes
Josh taking me to the ice cream parlor.
Me laughing at Josh for freaking out about sports.. I mean.. It's just a game... Right?
playing AOE with J, James, and Eddie.
Sitting on my porch with my Dad.
Calling my Dad screaming when there was a LIZARD in my house.... I had yet to find out about the freaking millipedes that were to stalk me in PA.
Riding on the back of a motorcycle.
Riding on the back of the four wheeler with J, with the road dark in front of us, my arms around his back, and my heart in his hands..
Mary singing in the car.
Playing Silent Hill with Josh.
Laying on my bed reading a good book.
The look Jay gives me when he thinks I am crazy... Also the same look he gives me when he wonders what the crap I am talking about.
Brenden and I playing hide and seek in our old house when he was a little boy.
Making the sidewalks at our old house... They lasted longer than we did.
Running down the road as a kid, with the wind in my hair.
My sister and the "peg leg" incident.
My sister and the "sunny bitch" incident.
My sister and the "lipstick" incident.
Laughing until I cry and my stomach hurts.

Well, there are a lot of good things here in my list. Some of them make me think of the bad things, but that's life. I don't hate J. We had good times and bad. I think a lot of my bitterness comes in because I feel like I was cheated. That had he been up front with me from the beginning about his sexuality that I could have been "spared". What sort of person would I be then? I don't think he did not tell me because he was being malicious. I think he did not tell me because he himself had not come to terms with who he was. I don't' know if he has even now. I feel that he thinks he has, but until he can be honest to the world about who he is and who he loves, then it's all a facade. I don't want to live my life not being able to hold the one I love in public, have my family know them as my partner, or include them in my work circle. However, these are my opinions, not his. I can't make J happy, and nor do I care to try anymore. It proved futile for me. I only wish that he could find his own happiness and be honest to himself and the rest of us who cared for him. Part of me thinks he owes me that. Part of me demands to hear him say to someone other than me, and his gay circle up north that Yes, I am a bisexual male. I had a wife, she found me in bed with another man. She left me. I can't get the life I had back, nor do I want it back because I have found that the life I lead now fufills me more than life with her did. I doubt I will ever get this. It is part of my closure that I will not receive., and that I will ok with in time.

Ok, enough of sappy crap. Today is my last day off. I plan to make the best of it.